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it helped for the first weeks, then I was back to baseline (suicidal)
Same. The novelty of "doing something for yourself" or "keeping yourself busy" or whatever bullshit friends, family and therapist wanna call it wears off quickly. I still go for jogs, but not as a daily routine anymore because it doesn't do much. I will just feel awful while jogging, so what's the point.
Last New Year's, when watching the fireworks from my balcony, I have sworn to myself that this will be the last time I see fireworks.
I cannot fix my problem. I tried many times, got told I was in the wrong for trying, now I have given up and that's apparently wrong as well.
Sorry for the rant.
I think I understand you well, sorry you feel that way