this post was submitted on 19 Aug 2023
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Privacy
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It's a bigger sacrifice for her to come to my side on these issues, or even just meet me in the middle, then it is for me to do the opposite. Also, at the beginning of our relationship I was nowhere near as privacy-conscious as I am now, so I feel it is very unfair for me to turn around years into a relationship and start making demands of the other person. At the same time, she is respectful of my individual choices and doesn't mock them even though she doesn't see the value in them herself (which is the same for many aspects of our lives). We come from significantly different backgrounds and have very different perspectives on a whole range of things (politics, religion, lifestyle, etc), but we both see beyond those superficial differences to the person at the core. That's what we fell in love with, not all the other stuff which we are repeatedly told is so very important in our increasingly polarised society.
Please detail the arcane wizardry which allowed you to achieve the respectful of your choices part you described, because it is the only way your story differs from my own situation.
It's hard to say why we are like that with each other. Sometimes I think the fact that we faced so many unusual and difficult challenges early on in our relationship has made us less susceptible to these relatively normal problems that every couple experiences. Even the first few months (which are carefree for most couples) were filled with big commitments and sacrifices for us, so compared to that stuff everything else is so minor that it barely registers as an issue. Also, I think she is an unusually kind person and I am an unusually laid-back person and that is a combination that rarely leads to conflict.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but it's not really something we actively worked at. Are you saying that you and your partner are also from opposite worlds but haven't found a way to reconcile some of your differences?
Yes, I think that's fairly accurate.
It's really that, while I've respected her choice to not participate in any of the practices/protocols I've recommended, she doesn't see my own involvement in them as anything more than a waste of time. Even more so, she's said she worries about the way it might change me into a paranoid person (conspiracy theorist).
Which feels a little disrespectful of the beliefs I've chosen. Like being told you're worshipping the wrong god, by your partner.
@starlord Why does she think you could become a conspiracy theorist? I have had random non-tech people tell me that they felt like their devices are watching them or listening in.
I really can't say, we simply don't agree. I say "I'd just rather my data belongs to me and curate who I share it with" and she hears "GIANT SPACE LIZARDS ARE TRYING TO MELT THE AMAZON" and just pictures me wearing a tin-foil hat.
I once asked her "If someone was standing outside our window, watching and taking notes, would you draw the curtains?" and she spent more time arguing that the metaphor was ridiculous and irrelevant than actually rationalizing the point I was trying to make. Literally no argument I've seen works on her. She just doesn't agree.
Is it a problem that she disagrees? I said my partner respects my individual privacy choices insofar as she doesn't mock or inhibit them, but I'm certain she doesn't actually agree. She probably thinks I'm crazy too. I guess for me the important bit is that she doesn't outwardly project any of that. And in turn, I don't try to argue the merits of my beliefs with her because I think the arguing itself is often the problematic aspect as opposed to the belief.
When you persist with attempts to convince someone of something that you know they disagree with you completely on, you risk coming off as a lunatic. My partner believes in an afterlife and a God, but since she never attempts to convince me of these beliefs I am happy to just accept them. However, when other people who are religious subtly (or blatantly) try to convert me I feel annoyed and see them as nutjobs.
For most people in my life, I don't actually know if they share my beliefs. But I also don't care if they do, because many of those issues aren't relevant to our relationship. The other day I was in a thread about climate change where Poster A mentioned they had a friend who was a sceptic, and Poster B replied "why are you friends with a fuckwit?". But the way I see it, climate change is a) something I don't discuss in detail with many people I know and b) isn't relevant to what I enjoy about those relationships. So even if I were to discover that a friend from work is a climate sceptic, I wouldn't actually care. I think that's one of the keys to maintaining healthy relationships with people. Work out what is actually relevant, so even when other disagreements arise or people inevitably change, you can still appreciate the key aspects of the relationship that are still there and the real reason why you have a connection with this person.
I suppose we've reached a "agree to disagree and don't talk about it as a result" status, which I'm willing to accept, sorta choosing which hill I wanna die on, ya know?
It's just that I wish there was more support, whereas I feel instead that there's ridicule or disrespect because her standpoint comes across more as "I'm right and you are wrong so I think less of you for it."
But, focusing on the privacy topic rather than relationship advice, I really just wish there were a way for me to present her with a case that allowed her to validate my arguments and respect them, even if she doesn't agree. I think that's just asking too much because there isn't a single justification I've ever put forth with which she could understand my opinion.
No privacy supporting suggestion works with her because she simply doesn't value it. I guess I could be projecting expectations, but I think I'm valid in wanting my views respected, even if they aren't conceded.
I think protection from data breaches is the most real world, relatable case you make for digital privacy. There are tons of victims you can point to that have suffered in a way that is easily understood by even a normie. It's a much better tactic than trying to compare it to people looking though a window or some other vague/unrelated idea.