this post was submitted on 19 Aug 2023
202 points (91.1% liked)

Asklemmy

43989 readers
1423 users here now

A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions

Search asklemmy 🔍

If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!

  1. Open-ended question
  2. Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
  3. Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
  4. Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
  5. An actual topic of discussion

Looking for support?

Looking for a community?

~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~

founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] [email protected] 39 points 1 year ago (3 children)

I agree with this. I have found that most women do not however. It has been a great trouble for me, to talk about, when trying to find a new partner.

[–] [email protected] 39 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (3 children)

This is pretty surprising to me. In my experience (as a woman myself) women are much more likely than men to be vocally supportive of treating sex work like any other service and of breaking the taboo of offering or receiving those services.

I actually can’t think of any woman in my life who would judge someone negatively for seeing a sex worker (assuming full consent from all involved parties including partners). Most men I know would similarly have no issue with it, but a handful would read it as not being able to get laid and see that as something negative.

My social circle isn’t representative of the general population, but I’m still surprised to hear your experience is dramatically different. I wonder if the way the conversations are going make the issue more about consent, cheating, or other non-sex-work-specific ethical questions.

[–] [email protected] 47 points 1 year ago

I have sometimes seen a phenomenon where people are very supportive of things until they are affected directly, and then they are supportive of those things in other people’s lives.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago (2 children)

At least from my personal experience talking to people, I find that a lot of women support "sex work" as some sort of nebulous concept, but when it comes to the real world, and actually interacting with it beyond just theoretical discussions about empowerment, there's often a lot less acceptance.

Basically, there exists a mental gap between "I support sex workers as a general idea of empowering people in bad situations" and "I support the direct exchange of money for sex as a service people want"

[–] captainlezbian 6 points 1 year ago

Ok but also, I’ve dated sex workers and that’s why I’m a bit yeeshy around people who hire them until I know they’re cool. I’ve heard stories.

Like there’s absolutely nothing wrong with hiring a sex worker. There are plenty of good reasons to do so. There are things where it’s better to hire a sex worker than to ask for from a hookup. And despite all of that, it’s not a trait that leaves one in the best company. Honestly, the best comparison I can think of is being a lawyer.

[–] antim0ny 1 points 1 year ago

People supporting sex work being legal and the non-acceptance of people using sex workers in illegal/non consensual situations are congruous positions.

[–] Today 9 points 1 year ago

I think more women would be understanding to men paying for sex than men would be to women paying for it.

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart 14 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Do you make use of the sex workers while in the relationship with the new partner?

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart 21 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Then why speak of it?

I don’t talk about previous sexual partners with new ones.

[–] [email protected] 34 points 1 year ago (4 children)

For the purpose of disclosure. I just cant live with myself if I do not tell prospective partners when they ask. I know there is a difference between avoidance and lying, however, I value honesty. Not implying that you are not or should thinknas I do

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart 56 points 1 year ago (4 children)

Last year I shit myself while trying to open my door and get to the bathroom.

I dropped my keys while I was trying to unlock the door and ended up with shit in my shoes that I had to throw away.

I never bring that up on dates.

[–] Bluehood380 32 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This story made my panties wet.

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart 23 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

That's a surprising stance coming from SatansMaggotyCumFart

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart 1 points 1 year ago

Okay, Gunt Rigger.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

What an amecdote. Thank you for lightening my mind lol

[–] 3ntranced 7 points 1 year ago

That's a third date story

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You have an over-sharing problem.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I can't agree. I think people should have a friendship as strong as their romance.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

Some things are not made to be shared. You are two different people. Leave a little mystery.

I’ve been with my partner for 27 years, so have a bit of experience to draw from.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Is it typical to give a whole run-down of your sexual history when dating? Like, I've mentioned previous encounters or exes when it comes up, but rarely near the beginning of the dating process. In my experience people tend to not have those discussions. Not because it's bad but because it doesn't matter. When I meet a new woman and start seeing them, I don't need to hear about or care about their past relationships unless it's something they feel they want to share for whatever reason.

It sounds like you don't think sex work is immoral, so I wouldn't bring it up unless it's something that would actually affect your current relationship. If sex is casual enough to commodify then it's not something that would be brought up when getting to know someone. Do you also give them a run-down of every meal you've ever bought at restaurants?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

The fact that you need to "disclose" this makes it sound like you yourself see an issue with it

[–] givesomefucks 15 points 1 year ago (1 children)

OP's out there on first dates asking if they have a problem with him doing it...

I can't imagine women are bringing it up

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Not necessarily first dates. I just answer truthfully when the topic comes up. I don't want to have it be a problem further down the line

[–] givesomefucks 14 points 1 year ago (3 children)

I just answer truthfully when the topic comes up

It's just really hard to believe a women asks if you've had sex with a sex worker...

Most people don't ask for numbers, let alone details.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago (1 children)

It has unfortunately come up before, hence my aprehension in approaching the topic.

[–] melisdrawing 11 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Seems like you got the intended consequence. If you want to be honest and your partner can't handle that honesty, maybe it is better to keep looking. I have a very hard time maintaining lies to continue relationships, and as a result I have very few, but incredibly high-quality friends.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

It’s just really hard to believe a women asks if you’ve had sex with a sex worker…

I've been asked that question, and not just one time, so I believe OP that it can sometimes come up.

[–] givesomefucks 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Maybe because I've never lived somewhere it's legal?

Like if there were brothels in the area, maybe it would be asked more?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Perhaps. It's a legal grey area here, not strictly legal but tolerated in certain areas (red light districts), but it's certainly not a socially acceptable thing.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I ask my partners because I do not want to be with someone who pays for sex. Simply because our views on sex would be very different which leads to problems in the relationship, from my experience. Also, it would be quite dumb to lie on this because than we are both just wasting our time.

[–] NorthWestWind 3 points 1 year ago

Then they are not worth your time