Polyamory

Made it onto hackernews, what do people think?

I recently read Fledgling, by Octavia E. Butler. It's a book kind of about vampires, but not really about vampires.

The minute I started reading it it engrossed me in a way that hasn't happened in a while. It's very compelling writing. It begins with the main character, a young woman, waking up with amnesia, which is amnesia for us, the reader, as well. We find things out slowly and at the same pace as she does. Something bad has happened and she has to figure out what it is and what to do about it.

This isn't a book about polyamory, but there is a strong polyamory storyline in it. The woman takes on partners and the group of them have to learn to become a family. It's very beautiful and sensitive. The woman is the matriarch of the family, and is responsible for her partners' well-being.

Because she is not human -- and her partners are -- it's natural, I think, for the reader to identify more closely with her partners. I did. And that led to some interesting feelings. I am a cis man and in real life I am always the... well... dominant one in the relationship? I guess that'd be the way to put it, though my partners might have something to say about that wording. = ) I dunno.

But reading this book I got the chance to identify with a more dependent person, her human partners. I got to feel in some way what it's like to have someone else set the agenda, someone else find a home, someone else be the protector, etc, etc... it's a feeling I don't get very often.

Butler does a really good job in this book exploring the relationship between those with power and those who are more vulnerable, the strong and the less strong. Along with that, she necessarily shows what consent looks like in that dynamic. When someone has power over another, it's often not as simple as checking the "yes" box.

Like I said, this isn't a book about polyamory. If you pick this up and the back cover doesn't interest you then I wouldn't bother reading it. But if you like sci-fi and think you might enjoy this story, definitely read it. It's a fresh take on the genre and the writing is outstanding. And, for me, being able to put myself in someone else's shoes for a while is what makes for great reading.

Anybody else catch Tyler The Creator is polyamorous based off his new album? Or am I just an old white cracker and just found this out? Album is fire I'm probably gonna listen to it a bunch tomorrow.

I saw the movie Bros last night. Hilarious! I've been in meetings just like the ones the museum board has.

And apropos this community, the poly moments were so spot on. (In a laughing-with-you-not-at-you kind of way.)

For privacy sake, I'm changing names into cheeses.

So I've been with my nesting partner (Cheddar) for about 2ish years, living together for most of it. She's wonderful, she's thoughtful, and she means the world to me.

About 6 months ago I met someone really cool (Swiss). We hit it off immediately and things have been great, except for one thing. Unfortunately I happened to meet her during a time when my relationship with Cheddar had a fair bit of turmoil, so unsurprisingly Cheddar reacted with a lot of insecurity and jealousy. The first night I hung out with Swiss we ended up getting in a huge fight. From there on, anytime I even mentioned Swiss all the energy was sucked out of the room.

I did my best to make sure I was moving forward with Swiss slowly, and did my best to try and bear Cheddar's feelings in mind. She still felt like I was putting more effort into this new relationship than I to my relationship with her. To her credit, I was absolutely far from perfect. I definitely didn't communicate how things were going between me and Swiss very well, to the point that Cheddar felt like I had stepped over a big boundary.

Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago: I've been head over heels in love with Swiss since July, but had been putting off prompting the partner conversation for the sake of Cheddar's feelings. It was my last chance to see Swiss for over a month, because she was about to do a bunch of traveling, and I decided I had put things off for long enough.

I tell Cheddar I'm going to ask Swiss to be my partner that night, and Cheddar reacts super negatively. She says something to the effect of "We're moving soon, your work schedule just changed dramatically and now I have to get used to having a metamore on top of that? It feels like too much is changing all at once."

To her credit, Cheddar later texted me to encourage me to have the conversation anyway, but by then I had already decided not to. "After all, even if Cheddar gives her blessing it's still going to hurt" I thought "Better just wait till Swiss is done traveling. Cheddar is right, and in her position I probably wouldn't like all of those changes all at once either."

Fast forward once again, but to last week. We're in the new apartment and slowly unpacking. Swiss has been out of town for awhile, and still has a week or two before I'll get to see her in person. Cheddar has been seeing someone (Gouda) for a couple of months. One night Gouda tells Cheddar "we need to talk". They hang out next chance they get, and Cheddar comes home to tell me "So, you have a new metamore."

It fucking sucks, and the timing could not be worse. I feel like I've just been consumed with jealousy. Watching her do all the things I've been holding myself back from for months: Coming home with hoodies, or hickeys. Spending entire days with the new partner. Nothing unreasonable in and of itself, but all stuff I've denied myself with Swiss for the sake of Cheddar's feelings. In the meantime I won't even get to see Swiss in person for another week. It certainly doesn't help, that because of my new work schedule I've had a lot less time to spend with Cheddar, and a lot of what I do have has coincided with her only opportunities to hang out with Gouda.

Last night we talked about it and Cheddar asked me "Do you want me to put things on hold, atleast till Swiss gets back?"

It feels like I'm being so unfair, but I said yes. Like, why should Cheddar have to put her relationship on hold, just because my other romantic interest is out of town? A lot of the things I've been holding myself back from weren't even explicitly requested by Cheddar, just the sort of thing that usually sets off her jealousy.

This morning Cheddar told Gouda "I need to take a step back for a little while for my partner's sake" and apparently Gouda didn't take it very well. She isn't talking to Cheddar at all at the moment. I feel like a fucking monster.

I don't know. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being unfair?

In this dream, I quickly poly-saturated myself, then added everyone to the same group chat, and chaos ensued.

The problem was not that I hadn't cleared the whole poly thing with everyone beforehand. Dream me is apparently at least that much of a stand-up dude...

And no, the big problem wasn't that I had done this before I had introduced everyone in person (apparently, this isn't a part of dream me's dynamic, who knew)...

No, the biggest problem was that I did so via some sort of WORK SYSTEM, AND NOW IT'S AN HR PROBLEM OHMYGOD

So, my fiance and I have for quite awhile come to terms with us being poly, primarily myself but she is cool with it.

Thing is, we've been together for 13 years now, are getting married soon, and while we have agreed that if we ever met someone we clicked with, we also have come to terms with the fact it feels like that won't actually ever happen.

We're both very introverted and keep to ourselves. We aren't actually party goers, and the wildest nights we have are the extremely rare night where we host a board game night with like, maybe 4 friends. And that's a "rager" for us, comparatively.

We've looked into some dating apps but the results are... abysmal. Non starter really.

And since we are both so far along in our life together, it feels more and more like it would be impossible to "Fairly" include another person anyways. They'd forever be "second" in that me and my fiance have thirteen (and counting) years of history, whereas the new person would be starting completely fresh. That doesn't seem like it could ever work anyways, no matter how hard we tried right?

We've talked at length about this and agreed that it just doesn't seem like it could even work, despite us wanting it to, and that we're sorta just gonna have to be cool with being monogamous poly, which is weird but I dunno how else to describe it.

The only situation I've considered that would work is if it was another couple that both of us click with both of them, and everyone vibes with each other in every direction, which then means at least everyone has someone else they have history with, and someone else that is new, which feels more like now everyone is on "equal" footing if you will, removing that feeling of imbalance.

But then of course we have to confront the fact that the odds of two people finding two other people and everyone vibing with everyone else is... well incredibly low. And when I say vibing I'm talking "we want to have a close committed intimate and romantic relationship" level.

So, I guess I wanted to send out some feelers on if any other folks are in this sort of state, how are you navigating it, how do you feel about it, lets talk about this sort of state.

Something to noodle on:

Is it morally wrong to try and initiate a poly relationship with a third person, when the other 2 people have a "fallback" of each other, such that the third person forever will be subjected to the 2v1 power imbalance, that if things broke down the 2 would quick the third out, forever putting them at a disadvantage?

Cuz, personally, I feel like I can't morally subject someone to that myself, I'd forever feel "off" about putting another person (no matter how willing) into that position, it feels... wrong.

In polyamorous communities, it's common to engage in relationships that involve multiple partners. While dating within such networks is well-established, I propose an innovative concept that adds a new dimension to these relationships. Initially termed "Tames" for convenience, this concept is now rebranded as "Partnerships" to better reflect its nature.

Partnerships Explained

Partnerships are individuals who enter into a formal arrangement with members of a polyamorous group, offering either romantic or sexual companionship. They commit to serving and supporting all members of the polycule for the duration of their lives. This arrangement provides a structured way for people within the polyamorous network to engage with external partners who play a significant role in their lives.

The Concept of Marriage Within the Polycule

A unique feature of this model is that if a member of the polyamorous group develops deep feelings or falls in love with a Partnership, they have the option to marry that Partnership. This possibility allows for formal recognition of a significant romantic bond, even as the Partnership continues to fulfill their role within the broader polyamorous network.

Benefits and Considerations

This approach offers several benefits:

1. Enhanced Relationship Dynamics: It provides an opportunity for meaningful romantic or sexual connections outside the primary polyamorous relationships while maintaining the integrity of the network.

2. Flexibility in Commitment: Members can formally commit to their Partnerships through marriage, acknowledging and celebrating their special connection.

3. Clear Boundaries: It allows Partnerships to maintain their role within the polycule while fostering additional intimate relationships.

This model introduces a structured yet flexible way to manage relationships within polyamorous groups, enriching the experience for all involved.

Mainly for like closed polys yk

To be completely transparent, there are two individuals within my partnership network whom I was certain I wanted to marry. However, given my deep capacity for love and connection, it would not surprise me if I ultimately find myself wanting to marry many of my partnerships. My affection for people is profound and encompassing.

I have authored an article that I would like to share with you all. Should any of you wish to disseminate it further to foster a world of improved comprehension.

My partner's partner,

Drives me crazy,

Whirlwind of need,

Driving in and driving out,

Driving me in, driving me out.

I don't know what to do about,

About this partner,

Breath in, breathe out,

Stick it out.

So anyone here if you ever get a new partner make sure to go through their hobbies and more. This could possibly lead to some really badass or cute name. For example I recently just got a new wife last night. That is a Blacksmith and my mind instantly went back to a Reddit story I saw. It would take 2.2k(around the exact num) full grown men to extract enough metal to make a blade. So then I named her, Forfalsker av blod or Forger of Blood. IMO this is like the most badass name ever though yeah this is what I meant. Just make sure there’s no opportunities to give a name that is badass or something.

PS it’s funny the name makes her sound so different. As she is actually probably one of the sweetest and most gentle out of our poly.

So I’m real confused at why people hate big polyamorous relationships? Like it confuses me because isn’t the basis of being poly. Loving others and loving multiple people. Giving dedication to multiple people? Which it never specified on what type of group or how big of a group. So where does the hate of big polys come from?

If anyone can explain this please. Since this is not the first time I’ve got hate for my poly. Which actually normally I ether instantly get banned from places for asking questions or I get like 100s of downvotes. Though everyone just keeps their mouths shut and I’ve never really asked before but it just doesn’t make sense. Why is adding people to a poly to protect and love them. To give them the best life possible. With no abuse and no manipulation. To give others the happiness it’s hard for me to feel. A bad thing like why does the size of the poly or how we’re together make any difference. It’s just love isn’t it? Also it’s completely legal? So where is the issue.

Now I’ve heard some people jokingly call it a sex cult but I don’t believe it’d logically be that. Also for me it has nothing to do with the number of people, their sexualities, gender. All that matters to me is their personality and how I can help them grow into who they want to become. Which this probably gonna sound cheesy but it’s like watching a caterpillar transform into a butterfly. The beauty that comes from their happiness when they succeed or become who they want to be is my favourite part. Below is the definition of Polyamory and it never specifies anything about size or how it works unless it’s consensual and morally correct. So if this is a stereotype why don’t we burn that shit and just love!

Which I thought to add people can have different size polys or work differently yk and if you take my approach you’ll know when you get enough people or some can just give infinite love out.

So for anyone who calls their partners honourifics and or pet names, what are some you’d suggest? I have 49 partners and I’m starting to run out of actual pet names. Now I just normally figure out their hobbies in another language and piece together something. Though I’ll add a list of names already taken below! Also thank you for any help.

Master (Lady) Daddy (Male) Alpha/senpai (Lady) Mommy (Lady) Teddy bear (Lady) King (Male) Puppy (Male) Pebble (Lady) Sire (Male) Angel (Male) Goddess (Lady) Flower (Lady aka my slave wife one of my three queens) Toy (Male) Bug (Lady) Rose (Male) Queen (Lady) Boss (Male) Ocki (Male) Whore (Male) Slave (Lady) Star (Lady) Doll (Lady) Cub (Lady) Kit (Lady) Molly (Lady) Void (Male) Shadow (Lady) Raven (Lady) Fire (Male) Nixie (Male) Pup (Male) Pyre (Lady) Mor (Lady) Isä (Male) Lom (Male) Bear (Male) Lord (Male) Villman (Male) Sjøengel (Lady) Fae (Queen 😫) Farget Kunstner (thinking of changing) (Lady) Grønn Lek (Male) Høst (Male) Vinge (Male) Sjefens Valp (Male) Sjef (Male) Mord (Lady)

Then two I don’t have a name picked for yet.

So I’ve talked to so many people. Most people see a polyamorous relationship as a separate dating scene or small group 3-4. Though I just call em polys and specify later. For me we have came up a with a system called “Closed Poly”. Meaning everyone in the group is with everyone and if we wish to add a new member, Everyone has to agree.

Then we had to add another tier to the poly because I started adding siblings and parents of the other partners. So we had where everyone was with each. Then the blood relations was not together of course separated by polys. Though the blood relations are with everyone else but their relation. Currently 48 people.

My extended polycule is vast(as they tend to be), but the core "family unit" of us consists of around 5-7 people. In that group, we're fairly kitchen table, and are planning to move in together this year. (Yippee!!)

Recently we started sharing services here and there. Google play games family accounts, and AI Chat subscriptions.

What other services are out there that you've shared with family and/or polycule members to save on money?

I dont like the text. Self control and love dont mix that well (for me). Also telling people they should not be polyamorous as if thats a choice for everybody is just not how that works for everybody.

Let me tell you, if you can’t exercise self-control, then there’s no way you should be polyamorous. All that lies down that path is pain, bad behavior, heartache, and disappointment.

Atchived Version

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/4734923

Like many contemporary anarchists, many anarchists of the 19th and 20th centuries maintained relationships with multiple romantic partners, or were involved with partners who did. Just as it does today, this often precipitated gossip, heartache, jealousy, and interminable emotional processing. A complete history of anarchist polyamory drama would be nearly as ambitious as a comprehensive history of the anarchist movement itself. Here, we’ve limited ourselves to a few poignant anecdotes from the lives of a handful of classical anarchists.

Archived Version

Me, my partner, and their partner, are putting together a band. Me on guitar, my partner on bass, and my meta on drums and keys.

I've had a lot of original music for quite a while and it's such a pleasure to be able to share it with these two people that are so important to me and watch my songs evolve.

Last night I slept over at their place and woke up early unable to get back to sleep because I'm so excited to play more.

Heck ye :)

Apologies in advance for the wall of text. This is a bit of an involved story, but I suck at editing. Thanks in advance for reading the whole thing.

54M here. My long-standing marriage split up in 2019, for several reasons; one of the main reasons was the fact that the majority of our marriage was largely sexless. I decided at that time that I was not interested in another long-term monogamous relationship, nor one that did not include a sexual component. I’ve managed to have a few relationships since then, of varying lengths and levels of commitment.

Back in July I matched with a woman on Tinder. She identified as ENM and was kink-curious, like me. We hit it off right away. Had our first date a few days later, which culminated in some great sex. We spent a lot of the summer together, doing various things (simple hangouts, traditional dates, straight-up hookups, sleepovers). Along the way I sort of caught feelings a little bit, but I never pushed for anything beyond what we had in the moment. We both decided to just let things develop and see where they led.

A couple of weeks ago we had a discussion about where we were. She told me that she was really interested in looking for someone who could be more of a primary partner, but that we were not currently a good fit for that role. (I’m involved in some activities that limit my availability for weeks at a time, and I have adult children who live at home with me.) We haven’t seen much of each other since that talk, but we’ve chatted nearly every day. She’s currently dating someone who is also looking for a primary partner, and I’ve been supportive of her in this.

This past weekend she had a friend down for the weekend. He was supposed to come visit back in August but had to reschedule. After he left she and I talked. She had been hoping for some good sex but when the time came they ended up just snuggling and chatting. She told me she thought that they were probably just going to end up platonic snuggle buddies. She then surprised me by telling me that she also envisioned us as platonic snuggle buddies, and she wanted to deescalate the relationship. She said she likes thinking that sex could be on the table, but she’s not really feeling the desire for it.

It’s already been difficult adjusting to seeing her less; the thought that when I did see her the option of sex is foreclosed is really jarring. She’s a little surprised, and perhaps hurt, that I could view the loss of sex as a dealbreaker in our relationship. I’ve noted that even if she’s searching for a primary partner, she need not foreclose intimate relations with other partners; that’s sort of what ENM is about, no? She points out that intimate relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and not all of them include sex. Which is true, but ours most certainly did, and I’m surprised that she’s surprised I would be wary of continuing a relationship that’s effectively been cut in half.

I really like this woman, and I don’t like the idea of losing her from my life, but I honestly don’t know how to handle this change in my relationship, or even if I should. How do I spend time with her, wanting to touch her, kiss her, fuck her, knowing that I can’t?

I’m relatively new to the idea of ENM, so I put it out to those who have more experience for advice and perspective. Thanks again.

TLDR: Partner wishes to maintain a relationship with me, but without sex. I view sex as integral to our relationship. Should I make this adjustment? If so, how?

geteilt von: https://slrpnk.net/post/2665683

A while ago I noticed a problem in my polyamorous social circles, namely that some of the guys just are not doing that well, in terms of finding partners, dating, and generally succeeding at nonmonogamy. In particular, the guys who are new to nonmonogamy seem to make a lot of blunders. Sometimes these are spectacular and result in those guys giving up and going back to monogamy, but other times they seem to take the form of a steady failure to date, or a quickly cycling through relationships. Of course, there are plenty of men who take well to nonmonogamy (myself included), espcially those who have been doing it for a long time. That said, longevity is no guarantee of success – some of the frustrated guys at my recent class on this subject had been polyamorous for over a decade but could still not get their groove on. My hope with the discussions below is that they will help other guys hopscotch past a lot of the conceptual traps that hold us back.

Archived Version

I'm in the market for books that normalize poly parenting. I have the Red Stroller for normalizing different family types (eg. single parent, gay, interracial).

My child's other parent (separated) is very conservative and my family is too. I'm not trying to "push" poly, but prepare my kid mentally/emotionally if people say shit about me. I still have several years before I would need to come out.

I called some people I'm seeing partners, but got scolded by a friend because I guess partner means a relationship that's more "serious". My friend suggested calling them lovers.

I'm emotionally involved with all my people and I care about them. I just get an ick from labels and relationship ladders (abusive family).

I'm looking for a word that's unassuming, but clearly says "I'm not single" so I can easily be honest with monogamous people.

Any suggestions? Lover sounds a little too much like cheating.

non youtube link

I posted this because I liked the open nature of the video, that it includes opinions from different perspectives and because I enjoy Mainely Mandys content.

My personal take: I see no reason to police someones queer identity, so if someone says they are queer then they are queer to me.