Jokes

As he approached lights out in his first night in prison, the man was getting more and more nervous. Finally the lights turned off and the officers left the tier, leaving him alone with his cellie.

The cellie went to the bars and a few seconds later someone a few cells down yelled "36!". There were a few chuckles. The cellie yelled "14!" and there were a few laughs.

Finally the new guy said "OK, what's going on?". The cellie said "we've all been here so long, we know each other's jokes. We gave them all numbers to save time".

After a few more numbers, some funnier than others, the new guy asked, "can I try?". "Sure" the cellie responded.

The new guy yells "97!'. All of a sudden, everyone is laughing, banging on the bars, his cellie is crying, he's laughing so hard.

New guy says "what happened?!". The cellie, wiping tears from his eyes, says "oh man, we'd never heard that one before!".

Bill's girlfriend is a gorgeous lady in her mid 20s. His friends are surprised and ask how on Earth he ended up with such a lovely lady despite the age difference. To which Bill tells them "well, I lied about my age."

"Bill, you're turning 60 soon, there's no way she thinks you're even in your 30s!"

"Oh no no no, I said I was 90."

He had to break the window to get the drummer out.

A pizza can feed a family of 4

He kneels down in the booth and the priest says, "ayy, my son, what is it that's troubling ya?"

The old man replies, "forgive me, father, for I have sinned. Last night I had sex with a gorgeous 24 year old blonde woman and her very attractive mother."

The priest looks solemnly at the man for a moment, bows his head, and then says, "I see, I see... Well if that's the case then say 5 our father's and 4 hail mary's"

The old man then says to the priest, "I'm sorry father but I just can't do that. You see, I'm Jewish"

The priest looking perplexed asks the man, "I see, I see, well then what are you telling me for?"

And the old says to the priest, "father I'm 86 years old! I'm telling everybody!"

It doesn't fix the sunburn, but it'll keep the bedsheets off your legs during the night.

... She got excited when it said it was designed for 2-4 years.

The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.

In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather' -- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

Because I cannot speak French!

He holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please".

When the engines are turned off the whining continues.

It’s like a French kiss but down under.

Pollution/climate change has started to kill off many of Europe's birds. Each country responds trying to save some of their bird population and as such, England dispatches a team of top ornithologists to save the iconic rook combining mass incubation, special hatcheries and unnatural selection to find the hardiest possible. However progress is slow. Frustrated, Parliament demands answers. As such, the team receives an email from the Prime Minister asking "Bred any good rooks lately?"

(Also shamelessly stolen and poorly adapted from a Stephen King short story titled "For the Birds."

phone rings

Me: Hello?

Stranger: Hello there, may I have a minute of your time?

Me: Okay.

Stranger: Thank you.

Click.

(Shamelessly and unartfully adapted from a very short Stephen King story.)

An able-bodied airline passenger.

Red paint

Grass.

Okay, I added the bit about the wheels to make it sound cooler.

A stick.

Dad: I'm being surveilled!

Me: Why?

Dad: Some dude named General Failure is reading my hard drive!

A man goes to a stable and asks to buy the fastest horse they have available. The stable manager nods his head and brings him a fine and impressive stallion.

When the man asks how much the horse costs, he is staggered by the answer. "That's... That's half the price of almost any other horse here! Why is it so cheap?"

"Well, you see, the horse is blind" responds the stable manager. "But he's the fastest horse I've ever witnessed, no doubt about that. You just need to give him good directions. And don't bother hitting him, either. Just say Jesus if you want him to go, and Satan if you want him to stop. Go for Jesus, stop for Satan." In retrospect, there was a lot of Christian iconography around the stable the man hadn't noticed.

The man then asks for a test ride, and the stable manager agrees, as he has the man's credit card on hand. The man then says "Jesus", and the horse immediately bolts at speeds the man is genuinely amazed by. The world roars past him and the wind billows in his ears, all as this horse keeps running at full speed. The horse doesn't turn, only moving in a straight line dead ahead.

Suddenly, the man notices a cliff not too far away, but dead in the path of the horse. He reaches for the reins, but they billow in the wind and beat at his hands. He grabs them and tries to pull back, but the horse resists. The cliff keeps coming closer and closer, until the man finally remembers his instructions and yells "SATAN" at the top of his lungs. The horse stops alarmingly fast, knocking the man forward at the very edge of the cliff. The man then looks down, seeing just how high the cliff is, leading straight into a rocky valley.

He leans back in relief, having just avoided this terrible fate. With a hand on his heart, he can only murmur a tired "oh sweet jesus..."

Well, he's only got those tiny legs...

The ball smashes into a poorly placed home's window. Being decent people, they walk over to pay for the damages. Walking past the broken window, they see a broken lamp and a fellow with a turban on his head and gold bands on his arms. Seeing the couple, the man yells out "did you smash this window and more importantly, disturb this lamp?" The husband takes full responsibility. To which the gold bedecked man replies "Well, as luck would have it, I am a genie. But, as you broke the window and knocked over my lamp rather than rubbed it, I will give you two wishes but the third wish is mine."

The couple consider this but 2 wishes is better than 0 wishes. As the wife starts to think about what their family really needs, the husband, in the depths of a mid-life crisis, blurts out "I wish my garage had 5 Bugattis!" The genie claps his hands "It is done." The wife gently smiles to herself and then starts to pipe up when the husband blurts out "I wish my hair would grow back" The genie claps his hands and says "When you wake up this morning, your hair will be luscious and thick." The husband is dancing around and almost in tears.

The wife is now pretty annoyed that their wishes have been used so selfishly but also remembered the genie's wish. "Well, what are you going to wish for?"

The genie looks a little awkward now and says "Sadly, I cannot use my powers on myself and thus cannot be freed unless someone wishes it. But, after a millenia of service I have never known a woman's loving touch, just her imperious demands."

The wife, can't help but notice that the genie has a great body, kind eyes and a long thick flowing hair. "Well, you've done so much for us I mean, the least I could I do. Honey, would you mind if I...?" "What? Yeah, whatever, babe, I'm rich and I'll have hair again! Do whatever, I'm going home to take one of my Bugatti for a spin!"

A couple hours later, the genie and the wife are sharing a post coital cigarette and the wife asks "so, how long have you been a genie?" In turn, he asks "how long have you two idiots believed in genies?"

It is now theorized that the dinosaurs were not killed off by an asteroid. Instead the were all taken as part of a religious experience known as the velocirapture.

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and one to hold the ~~penis~~ ~~mother~~ ladder.