(My app doesn't allow marking posts as NSFW. I don't know whether this should be considered NSFW or not, but I can't mark it anyway. I'll sign in on desktop later, if need be. An admin can also do the courtesy of marking it for me. Thank you, regardless.)

Sorry if this is all a little disorganised.

2025 has been a good year for me, despite everything. I've made my first attempts to meet new people, thanks to guidance from people on this very platform, and things are finally looking up. I feel productive and somewhat healthy. I feel like I'm in a position to help others, even though things look bleak for all of us.

Except for one problem.

I use drugs more than any of my friends. I'm the only one who's done DXM, for instance, and I constantly read about new things to try. I'd do opium, even, given the chance. So, that's the problem, then. I do drugs.

No. No, it isn't, actually.

The actual problem is that I put so much effort into research, so much effort into considering what's actually safe to use, so much effort into making sure I don't overuse them, so much effort into considering doses, so much effort to make sure it doesn't impact others negatively, so much effort. That's despite their history of being upset towards me, and nobody cares. My friends constantly pester me for taking a "dark path", and every argument I make to try to object to that results in me being called some form of disabled, or immature, or stupid. One outlier online even called me multiple slurs, claiming my actual mental disorders are also completely fake.

Here's a good question that should be pretty easy to answer. Which one's hurting me more? The drugs, or the people? Because the problem certainly isn't the one that actually keeps me in a good, level-headed, sane headspace, that I use with care--and absolutely the one causing me all this mental turmoil in the first place.

Drugs are a human right. I have a right to determine what goes in my body, and I've been exceptionally careful, thanks to the help I was never given. I helped myself. I was suicidal, I pursued DIY psychedelic therapy, and now I find myself on a journey that I couldn't be happier with.

Yet none of that is enough.

Perhaps more science than I've provided already will be enough. Maybe the two week break I'm on will satisfy them. Maybe I should spell it out--their drugphobia, and unwillingness to accept different viewpoints, or consider my history, strongly mirrors homophobia and transphobia.

Let me make a point. They all drink alcohol. Alcohol is more addictive, and harmful to the user and others (in the form of drunk driving), and is considerably more dangerous than heroin. Yet, they'll criticise me for using poppers, despite the fact that poppers are considered safer, according to Drug Science, than any other drug they looked in to. That's safer than magic mushrooms, possibly the safest drug in existence, arguably. It's the most widely accepted risk index in the world. Mind you, some of these friends have also used nicotine, too. Also far more dangerous than what I do. I have as well, of course, but I'm considering not using nicotine or alcoholic products ever, not even on occasion. That's in contrast to them. Alcohol hurts the body, and drinking less simply slows the process. None of the drugs I use have such a long-term negative effect.

I'm also the only one that estimates my BAC with a calculator every time, but whatever. Thanks for that suggestion, S.

They have no right to criticise me for the very same thing they do on a regular basis. We even smoke weed, and nobody has a problem with it. Probably because it's not taboo enough.. anymore.

It's hypocrisy, because I've actually been safer than them, despite using a wider variety of substances.

I have a small handful of people who've been actually supportive, including someone I had just met. They applaud me for the effort I've put in to stay safe, and I'm glad to have those kind of people in my life. Some of them have been through incredibly rough patches (it seems like these types are the few with empathy, anymore). Some of them are just open minded. Regardless of their background, though, it's clear that they're far more empathetic than some of the people in my primary friend group.

I'm angry, and it's caused by the very people claiming to "help" me. They aren't helping. They're outright berating and slandering me, and at this point, I'm considering simply dropping them. However, I'm a productive person, and simply walking away from my problems is unacceptable by my standards. There's a peaceful resolution to this, and I intend to find it.

I'm not wrong, am I? As much as I've been gaslit over the years, I still think I can see through it all--through all the self doubt, all the people who claimed I'd never be enough. Despite all of that, I'm not suicidal, or even depressed.

So please tell me I'm right. Thanks for reading all this, if you did.

Having just experienced my first comment removals without any sort of notification or explanation, I was suddenly reminded of how things went down on Reddit during the API thing and people's attitude towards it.

Do you know why the API thing failed to cause a mass exodus? Because the moderators were spearheading it. The same people that have been doing things like setting up automod with buzzwords because they're too busy collecting subs to control to actually do their jobs, and silently removing non rule breaking comments without notification or explanation, and being cold unfriendly dickheads whenever you questioned them; suddenly these assholes were asking us to all join them in solidarity and feel sorry for them over their lost modding tools in 3rd party apps. In fact they did a fantastic job of making it all about themselves without giving many good reasons for the end user. And honestly people cheered when Reddit forcibly removed them.

And it made me realise that a good majority of these moderators that spent years on Reddit campaigning for less transparency and helping to turn it into the shit hole it is now, are probably here on Lemmy.

I don't know where exactly I'm going with this other than to say that I'm seeing things here with new eyes now. Just wanted to get these fun facts off my chest and remind everyone about who we're actually dealing with here.

I spent my whole life experimented on, neglected, bullied; physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, and used to inspire all the actual real people into donating to an institution I was locked away in over a stupid puzzle piece misdiagnosis. My parents did not raise me and my siblings were my first bullies. I was the scapegoat for everything that went wrong. I wasn't allowed to do anything for myself, which made me a burden, but I also wasn't allowed to learn or try them as that made me spoiled and ungrateful.

My mother only wanted money or fame from me. I didn't qualify for free money from the government and I wasn't talented enough to be famous, yet she forced me in so many stupid patronizing performances and crap despite me literally begging her not to. I spent my childhood trying to hide myself and be invisible.

I was in a class of 12 people where only 5 of the kids could actually hold a conversation. One was a bully I was forced to "be friends with". Another loved starting fights over the tiniest things, and was deliberately annoying to incite drama. The others were my friends but they were friends with the bully who isolated me from them whenever I didn't forgive him for bullying me. He bullied my friends as well but they never stood up to him as he had so much power over everyone and made an example out of me. I wanted him gone and made myself unattractive and gross to push him away, but ended up pushing everyone away.

I was treated like a celebrity by everyone in that institution for non-existent "talent" and "intelligence". I knew it was all fake. I was the only black girl who had hobbies, so I was shoved front and center of everything, including performances of other groups. I hated it, I felt like I was wearing a wedding gown at someone else's wedding. I knew it was unfair to the other kids in my group who never got to be the main character, narrator, or soloist; and to the other groups who were afterthoughts in their own performances. I wanted that to stop, before I hated it for the extra attention I got, I hated it for how unfair it was to everyone. But all the staff called my spoiled and ungrateful for having this "privilege" no one else got, while also making me feel (more) guilty for taking the spotlight away from everyone for 10 years.

Life was sitting on a short bus for 2 hours, sitting in the same desk for 7 hours, then sitting for 2.5 hours on the short bus to go home and lie in bed staring at the ceiling. Weekends were spent lying in bed daydreaming if I wasn't on a laptop or game console, if I'm at home, otherwise I'm trapped in grocery stores for fifteen hours for my mother to buy herself thousands of dollars worth of food she eats less than 1% of and wastes the rest of. Gym class was rarer then winning the lottery five consecutive times, and most of the time gym became "yoga" where we sat at the same assigned desk and stretched our arms for five minutes.

This drove me insane but everyone assumed it was the stupid puzzle piece that progressed like cancer. I originally wanted kill myself when I was 7, but I made the mistake of drawing it out on the chalkboard: stabbing myself in front of an oncoming train, getting hit by it, cops arriving and shooting my body to make sure I'm dead, then the entire world celebrating "Finally, It's Gone!!!" I was hospitalized and then grounded for months for wasting my mother's time and money spent on transit.

I should have actually died, instead of continuing to live as scum less human than a rat, where all the love and friendship I experienced was fake, every compliment was backhanded, and all criticism was vague so I can't improve. I should have died instead of being used to show actual humans that scum can accomplish things almost as well as actual people. I should have died instead of being a burden I did not need to be as I could have had a real childhood if I were given a chance at life, if I were seen as a human being instead of that stupid puzzle piece. It does not matter what I accomplish today, I will always be better off dead, and I will always suffer until I finally die. My family wanted me gone for being a dependent burden and being crazy from experiencing "school". My high school and college, after the institution, wanted me gone for almost being raped so many times, and because they're scared of that stupid puzzle piece. I really should have just been a stillborn baby, euthanized upon the misdiagnosis, or dead at 7. I should have just not drawn the plan, and went for it back when I believed in god and thought I'd see my late dog in heaven.

I'm one of the lucky people for actually getting out of that shit, going to a real high school, and working. So many other children stayed in that shithole until they aged out, or were moved into the group home attached to it, where disgruntled underpaid former high school bullies take out their anger on what they view as a "lucky" person who can't work. Their lives were destroyed before they could even start, and their corpses are kept alive until they die of suicide or a drug overdose as a result of the staff trying to make them convenient. Society will never love the mentally disabled. The few who actually live their children are the smallest minorities. When will you realize we still have eugenics, just cruelly slower and infinitely more painful than a lethal injection?

Oh right, no one cares. If these things happened to a dog it would be animal cruelty, but these people are less than animals so they need to get over it. You can't be cruel or bigoted towards the most unloved demographic, and nothing will ever change. What is the point of living unloved and unwanted by everyone in your life, after it peaked when you were three?

I've been looking into daddy issues recently and I'm honestly starting to believe I have some of the symptoms.

. Fear of abandonment . Unhealthy attachment patterns . Low self-esteem . Trust issues . Jealousy . Constantly needing reassurance

I think I have 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6. I've been in a handful of relationships in my life and there always super stressful because there's always so much competition and I just want to be there number 1 girl and I don't know why but I get really obsessed with people. I've spoken about this before on this sub but if I like someone then it's like they become my main interest above all else. It's also hard for me to trust other people even I know them really well. Obviously, I get jealous really easily. I hate the thought of someone else being better then me at something and taking my lime light. I put so much effort into the way I look and getting others to like me and I feel like I deserve it.

My relationship with my parents isn't that good. I never had a 'daddys little princess' relationship with my dad growing up. I was always overshadowed by my siblings and I was never good enough for my mom or dad plus he was so violent. He got angry really easily especially when he had been drinking. He would slap us, beat us with belts and throttle us. It wasn't just that either he was always insulting us. He had no problems with using swear words around us and describing us as such and not in a fun or playful way. He singled me out of because I could never meet his standards, he call me stupid, ret@rded, lazy ect, ect,

I never had a normal father/daughter relationship growing but I think deep down I always wanted one. My number one fantasy is being pampered and taken care of by a rich man. I love the thought of being so loved by someone they go out of there way just to keep me around unconditionally like a father would do to his children. I want the father I never had.

I'm sick of hearing the whining of "gifted" children. Like, why are they even "gifted" to begin with? What... they remember the names of shapes and count well and we're supposed to believe they're the second coming of Albert Einstein?

Can imagine the type of person this could rest? Imagine growing up and being told your special and better then the other kids when all they can do is learn faster than everyone else. There just lucky, that's what gets me. It's like being praised for being born rich. It's like if we lived in a world where anyone was in a wheelchair and they could walk.

As someone with interactual disabilities I hate hearing them complain. Like really? you you were praised growing up and did well academically? Aww, I cry for you😥

This is not a personal issue.

Real wages have gone down 50% since the 1970s. One person used to provide enough for a family, now typically both partners go to work and it's still "just enough".

In the conservative 1960s, the woman's rights movement would have never succeeded if it wasn't backed by the media (big news), and we all know they're owned by the rich. So what does the rich gain by making women go to work?

The labor market is a free market. It is regulated by supply and demand. If there's higher supply in workers, wages go down. I'm worried that the women's rights movement was allowed by the rich to increase supply of workers and bring down the wages.

I'm gonna meander a bit, I'm neutro spicy and I feel like the context here is important.

My dad was smart. Not in the grade school, my dad is stronger then yours kinda smart, but genuinely usually one of the smartest people in the room. His friends and co-workers thought so, my mother thought so. He was unique in his ability to both think through complicated problems and put his ideas in to action in a way that I haven't seen from anyone else.

Between my sister and I, I feel like she got most of his talent. That is to say, my sister is also quite smart, and driven. She's made herself a 1%er. But when she was still working hard she was at one time a criminologist, and later an actual, bone fide scientist. People would fight and clamour for positions that came to her naturally. She later moved on to sales and is making a killing, and yet somehow not enough.

She at one time considered herself a feminist. But now, she's a lockstep 1%er. She supports money, and those that make the number go up. She works from home, could live anywhere in the world, and chooses an expensive mcmansion on the East Coast. She railed against Biden and Harris, claims to have voted for libertarians in both elections. Not that it mattered, the state she lives in is so reliably blue it's hard to be mad about her little protest vote. Regardless, it feels like she's been standing at the deep end for a while, and now, I think she's finally taken the plunge. No lifeguard on duty.

She's started seeing a psychic. That, in and of itself is harmless. I've done these things. It can be a fun little game where you walk away and go "that was weird." But my sister, the former scientist, the one blessed with the capacity for reason and action our father had, absolutely the smarter of the two between us, has bought in.

This 'psychic' did what all these people do. Made some pretty general statements that would happen to anybody and gave them some context to make them feel personal. I imagine this psychic has given the exact same spiel about disasters and uncertainty to dozens of clients.

But to my sister, it's real, she's shook. A woman who has received more than one round of applause for testimony before a grand jury because she was just that sharp when answering questions on criminology, a woman who left that field because it wasn't scientific, it wasn't rigorous enough, thinks some random woman she met can suck information from the future.

It's cold reading. Anyone who knows what cold reading is and reads this knows that. It's a stupid Carney trick that anyone can learn to do. It's a single step more advanced than writing horoscopes. Suggesting that confirmation bias might be at play here was met with fervent defiance. My sister is saying she won't dismiss what she doesn't understand.

Bitch. Then SEEK TO UNDERSTAND. By what mechanism is a psychic reading your future? How is that information traveling? The two of you in that room were both genetically human, so surely if she can interpret magic signals from the great unknowable void, anyone can right?

She refuses to ask these questions. She's just taking it on blind faith that this person is being honest, that she can actually see the future, but only kinda, you know in a real vague way, and that guessing correctly about a few everyday things is evidence enough of that.

I've seen her when she gets inquisitive. A question she can't answer drives her to a level of focus and determination you don't often see in people. But it's like that spark is just, gone. The pilot light went out at some point in the last 12 years.

I don't know when we lost her, but that woman is just, gone.

Like two years ago I met this guy which I'll just call Ray. I was immediately interested in him. He's a nice guy and he's well educated too plus he's got a great ass. He's every you could want in a man. I didn't get his number the first time around so I didn't speak to him for a while after that.

We mat a few times and to cut a long story we went on a date back in September. He hasn't really spoken to me since then and it really grates on me. I don't want to lose him now that I've almost got him. He's all I can think about, not only is he a lovely guy but he's hot AF as well. Seriously, why can't I just sex with that attractive for once? I try to think of other things but all I can think about is sex with him.

It drives me insane. Why is it so hard to find men like Ray? I work so hard for him if only he knew.

I need to get this off my chest. School bus came early, and I was not there to get my child as the bus is usually late. There were vehicles which stopped for the bus, which waited for under 1 minute, then just passed the school bus all one after the other while bus was flashing and stop sign was out.

When I got my child, the bus driver was smiling and didn't say a thing about vehicles passing it. I'm sure they are used to it.

Nothing can be done. I'm just venting. I found out because a witness told me, so I checked the camera to see what happened.

So annoyed people are so impatient that they can't stop for a school bus beyond 10 seconds.

I completely support corporations or public agencies going their own way on web updates rather than using a microblogging platform like Twitter, but for fucks sake it's completely pointless to post an update without the time and date (and ideally and expiration). For example I was looking for trail conditions in a state park near me and I have no idea when the conditions posted are for. Now, I can go onto the web archive and figure it out, if I want to, but that's not what most people will know how to do.

Date everything.

I hope that this works because apparently even though I'm signed up on lemmy.world and visiting a sub native to lemmy.world, all that this subreddit loads for me is one single post from 2024 (and yet I can see all posts from my myserv.one instance).

I don't mind if no one reads this, I just need to get my experience of my chest, especially my Bluesky experience over these last couple of months.

I've tried Twitter on and off, well before Musk, and it never really clicked for me. I could sort of see the appeal but largely it came across as a sea of jocks and trendy assholes. So it was never much of a big deal for me to just walk away from it.

Enter Bluesky. I was attracted by its left wing reputation and all the cool queer people there. But I'm afraid that over all, it didn't do much to change my opinion that this sort of social media is for the 'cool' kids, cliques and people who prize their image above all else.

In the beginning it was pretty fun. I used the same profile pic and account name as here and didn't list my age in my profile. And I was having enough fun to stick around. But after the 3rd DM from someone that I'm pretty sure was a teenager, I decided to do the right thing and mention my age on my profile. I also decided to use my real name and add an actual photo of me, making it clear that I'm AMAB despite my tastes and the company I want to keep. And I can tell you, from that moment, the little bit of fun that I was having there completely dried up. From that point on, the only people following me were porn bots and these weird accounts with no posts that look like they lifted the profile pic from the 'management' section of a website somewhere.

Now, to be fair, there were a few cool people in my age group (38) that I followed but most are married with 2.5 kids and are these bluewave people where every second post is a picture of Trump's face or Kamala Harris. And as far as men go, my faith and trust is also at an all time low at this point. But that still doesn't make me feel any less like a reject piece of shit.

I also did something there that I will forever regret. While I had my real name and photo up, I decided to take the major step of telling the world that I realised I'm non-binary a couple of years ago. My heart was in my fucking throat because I was now putting myself at risk of people in the real world finding out what's been going on with me. And the reception that I got to that was crickets chirping. Not even the few clearly NB / trans / non-conforming people that had deemed me worthy enough for a follow back chipped in with anything. I ended up deleting the post in shame 24 hours later and reverting back to anonymity.

So yeah, Bluesky was largely heart breaking for me and made me feel a dog desperately scratching at the door to get in somewhere. I don't know how people do it. Every attempt at socializing that fails, and the endless tweaking of my profile to try and attract some friends feels pretty degrading to me. I WAY prefer a platform like this where I can join a conversation about She-ra and the Princesses of Power and gush about how rad Adora is if I want. And actually get feedback and someone to let me know that I'm alive without taking a look at my profile picture or age and judging me before the conversation has even started. I just wish this place worked better. Thanks for listening.

i don't want to fgeel anything. i'm in so much physical discomfort right now becaouse i'm feeling so anxious and nervous abouto the fact that i should be studing but all this feelings are just making it impossible. i want to be so high right now just so i could stop feeling anything. i'm scratching the back of my head so much that i'm hurting myself and i'd want to punch myself in the face or bite my hands I hate that i can't stop this feeling. i only i could start studing than i'd be okay but no, because it's just a studid fucking circle that i am unable to break and it makes everything awful

Thought that I would start off my first post in this place by getting this off my chest. In case anyone is wondering why more people haven't flocked to Lemmy yet, this has been my experience so far.

Last night I decided to give this place a shot and sign up, just to be met with a join page that was mostly unresponsive and didn't want to load anything. I ended up giving up and going to bed but thankfully by the morning, the web page had listed the possible servers for me to join.

So, especially after my experience the night before, I thought that the server that has in its description "recommended for users to join this server to reduce load" was a good start.

Then it came to looking for apps. I thought that the app with the description "made by Lemmy devs" would pair well with the server recommended to new users. Only to find that the server that I joined isn't even listed in the app when I try to sign in. And that manually typing it does nothing but give "server error" responses as well.

So now here I am, typing this from my laptop, wondering how many other people try to join this platform and give up after the first couple of hoops that need jumping through first. I'm hoping that eventually I will find the right server and app combo to give me an actual complete, working experience but so far my experience here has been a little bit ridiculous.

Anyway, glad I got that off my chest. Hi Lemmy, just a Reddit refugee hoping to make a home here, once I've got this absolute circus of trying to get going here in the first place behind me.

If a white person was So Astonished and Shocked that a black person accomplished something almost as good as a white person would, they'd be called racist. But black people can literally treat themselves and their children that way and it's empowerment.

A white person could graduate high school with 90s and 100s in every class and no one cares. They get a high five and a $20 TGI Fridays gift card. A black person can graduate high school with 60s in every class and they're the second coming of God.

Everyone outside the school and the goddamn country needs to know about this excellent black person who managed to actually get 60s and pass! Despite being black! So inspirational! It's so smart for a black person! If a black person could do it, what's your excuse?

But I'm the problem for absolutely hating that. I'm an asshole for being conveniently missing during graduation. I'm racist for wanting equality. Why can't I get a high five and a gift card? Why can't I just graduate and have nobody care like the normal people?

It's not just graduating, but literally everything. Having a hobby. Using a phone. Literally just existing as a black person is sooooo inspirational. A white person can draw hyper realistic portraits, but a black person's crude scribbling is broadcast to the world as talent. A black person being interested in a hobby is so inspirational they need to be interviewed and broadcast to everyone, but a white person actually doing the hobby doesn't matter. They're normal. But if I call this out, I'm the problem. I have internalized racism. I'm the asshole for quitting all my hobbies.

Then there's that stupid puzzle piece rainbow infinity sign disorder. Everything anyone with that shit does is solely because of that shit and nothing else. Even using fediverse websites is solely the decision of some stupid disorder. No one could possibly want to get away from the subtle ads and toxicity. It must be a stupid disorder.

Knowing ANYTHING is the result of that stupid disorder making you So Smart, but not knowing something is the result of that stupid disorder making you stupid. A child being tech savvy is not the result of computers being easy enough for a child, it's the result of a stupid disorder making the child smart. That stupid disorder made someone have a hobby that anyone else would do for fun.

That stupid disorder causes every last thing a human being experiences, according to literally everyone in the world except me. It's like you all want to be seen as corpses animated by that stupid disorder.

I hate being the only human who actually wants to be a human being. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of changing my name and phone number and still being found by people who only see me as the stupid disorder I never fucking had and a stupid skin color. I wish I was just born white or dead, I'm sick of this society.

I have been spending the holidays with my fiance's family. All of them are die hard trump supporters. This town they live in, are all die hard trump supporters.

We went out to a restaurant with my fiance's parents and their friends. When it came time to pay their friends whipped out their cards and showed the table. Each card had a sticker delicately placed, the content of the stickers were of donald trump in many different contexts. Djt as a dollar bill, djt wearing a fake mustache at his mugshot, djt assasination attempt, etc. I was absolutely appalled. Then the waiter came over and I was expecting to see him perturbed as well. Nope. He wanted one and asked if they had anymore. They then gave him one and helped him put it on. In the middle of his shift.

Obviously trump is fucking disgusting in more ways than one. What baffles me is how you can flagrantly carry around a proven rapist in your wallet when you are a woman, not just a woman but a woman of color. Which the friend waving this dipshit around and making the stickers is.

I mean this man has literally talked about immigrants "poisoning the blood of this nation". These are actual fucking people he talks about and demonizes. People with families, lives, and friends. All that care just gets thrown out the window with these people.

I hate living in trump country, because I feel like I am losing my mind when everyone around me is flaunting him like their own son who graduated as validictorian. As if these people are part of his club. When he is one of the most disgusting individuals I have had the displeasure of hearing about for over 8 years going on 12 now. How can you be so ignorant? Every passing day in this state I understand more and more how Hitler gripped the minds of the masses and came into power so easily. People are so fucking stupid.

Please for my sanity, I need to talk to people who know this monster for who he truly is. How do you cope being in a similar situation? How do you speak up?

So short background. I'm a self taught web developer who lucked into working at a friend's startup with practically no skills and only a couple basic CRUD to do style apps under my belt. I learned a lot, but never touched DSA. Did this for a couple years. Startup failed to get its last round of funding, and yep, I'm outta work.

My cousin works as a data engineer in a city a couple hundred miles north of me and wants me to get a software job so I can move up there and out of my parents place.

Most of the devs I've met from there are supportive of my journey, but emphasize I need to grind Leetcode. Only been doing that a couple weeks now.

My cousin called me and set up a call with a startup founder. I talked with him this morning and was very honest about my skills. He was also honest and said he needed somebody pretty comfortable with DSA as the application they work on is heavy utilizing ML.

He asked if I'd still like to do a Technical Interview and of course I said yes, making sure to emphasize I was probably going to perform poorly but was very thankful for the opportunity, and that I'd be treating this more as a practice mock interview. The founder was like "Well, at least you know your standing. And perhaps I can give you some pointers about how to proceed."

Super good stuff actually. I mean, obviously it'd be better if I actually was prepared, but I'll take what I can get in terms of feedback.

I'm nervous, I've never coded live and I can barely keep twosum in my head. Fuck. I'm about to waste this guy's time and will probably just look at his problem for two minutes, ask a few constraint or details questions and then just say, "Sorry...I don't even know which data structure to implement."

Anyways, I hate to be so defeatist about it, but I just know I haven't prepared enough. Oh well. Thanks for any sympathetic responses in advance.

While working today I was listening to this video about the A3000 - https://youtu.be/wELAhgbqNzc

Where amongst different architectures they cover Conqueror - A third person tank shooter.

The big thing about this old tank game is anything outside your field of view is just black. It's very clear how far you can see.

A modern game will just lie to you with pretty backgrounds, but when you get closer suddenly trees, buildings, boxes will POP IN. (including tanks!)

I much prefer the engine only render what it can verify as accurate and complete, I like the circle of vision and blackness outside of that. This isn't a big problem for single player games, but for multiplayer games I think its a huge tradeoff of visual prettiness vs accurate knowledge.

Please tell me if I'm the asshole here. But holy crap. I know mod's get a bad ~~wrap~~ rap but wow do the mods seem WAY more petty and petulant here.

I really don't feel like existing anymore. I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts for years now. I used to be 50%50 on killing myself. One hand it's such a liberating thought. If I died then it will all be over and all my problems or go away but on the other hand I what if something good happens to me in the future? or what about all the other things I already enjoy?.

Sometimes I think things can get better but other times I think, how? I feel like I wasn't designed for life. Life is a game that I'm losing no matter what. A game didn't even choose to play btw. I feel beat down all I want to get myself a big box of pizza, a bunch of booze and overdose on cocaine.

I'm 34, and i feel hopeless, ive been in relationships that don't work out and i end up hurting myself, and i find it really hard to find someone who likes the same things as me, and i blame it on my socioeconomic status and my looks. I try to find somewhere to put the blame, but it's obvious that it's me.

My stutter is driving me insane. Having normal conversations with people that made 100000 times harder and more awkward. It's embarrassing as hell and I'm sick of it.

Conversations with most people I have daily are difficult because it's hard to keep people listening for that long and it's very awkward to talk to someone the first time as they expect me to have a stutter. It's so isolating. Ever since I was a kid everyone just to make fun of me for it. I wish I could talk like everyone else.

I've lost so many opportunities to my stutter just think about it. I'll never a telemarketer, (not really a lost) I'll never be a voice actor, and how many other jobs require you to speak to others?

The election, the CEO murder, etc.

And when I tried to say something about it, I get downvoted, and get replies that I am a bootlicker or something etc.

Oh yeah, also, Lemmy discussion is very one-sided and lacks nuance.

I have more things to say, but I prefer sleeping. That's all

Or, all too typical overthinking socializing, maybe? Unlike some other posts' OPs feeling sort of burnt out or kind of numb, which I have those days too, I'm more sort of ambivalent.

Much of the time I'm content to myself, buuut I recognize I have to put myself out there and work with others to do anything more meaningful. However, working with others is...Working with others, with all those ups and downs, and I'm torn in how to navigate all that.

Fortunately and unfortunately, almost everyone's in this situation and there's pretty much the whole of history to make it clear everyone's been making it up as they go and doing what works for them. That's not exactly the most helpful though, so I'm still left going, "what the fuck?"

I dunno what I'm expecting from this, just adding to the pile of internet posts of, "uhhhhhhhh???"

Topics of generational abuse, or intergenerational abuse, have suddenly become relevant in my life. I have a parent I barely know and was criticizing one day, and I was getting all kinds of excuses which mainly boiled down to either "appeal to authority", "appeal to psychology", or "not my problem". At one point, I ragequit the conversation after making sure I had made a statement. I contacted my sister who knew all my relatives better than I had and dropped a brief comment along the lines of "I wonder why they are like this" and she responded with a "you're not being tolerant enough, they have generational abuse, cut everyone some slack". So maybe I've been influenced the wrong way when I say intergenerational abuse as a phenomenon or a concept sounds like the biggest load of BS I've ever heard.

I'm also into learning about a lot of culty topics, and recently I watched a video about one of those televangelists you see on TV that claim you can pray your stigmatized relationship orientations away, and the video was chronicling his life and how he grew up in an environment that would always put him down for his lamentations towards many of those practices, and it mentioned he became the monster he feared growing up. Genuine question here, how DOES someone become the monster they fear? What kind of free will does someone have to lack to inherit someone's monstrosity? Even when someone says it simply, such as when they say "that's just how I was raised", that raises a huge red flag, because if you don't like how you were treated/raised, why the heck are you (even consciously) imitating it?

In general, in a world where we expect free will to be valued and where that "bad times make good people" meme still floats around, how are people so unquestioning enough of their bad experiences that they consciously use the lack of their questioning of something they never liked as an excuse to do that very thing onto others?

My dad was awesome. But he also wasn’t. It’s painful to hear words from coworkers who received things from him that he never gave me. But still, he gave me a lot. He wasn’t perfect. But neither am I. I mourn him leaving me so early. I mourn the things he never gave me and never would have given me. I needed to get this off my chest.