UnendingQuest

Also when it’s completely ignored.

I’m on it, but have to wait a year for the assessment. I have a counsellor, but they don’t specialize in autism or assessments. When I told them I suspect I have it, they basically just acknowledged that I was seeking an assessment and changed the subject. It’s hard to navigate processing this kind of new self knowledge alone, but I’m finding lots of helpful info online.

Also, what you said about assuming other people wouldn’t be interested is definitely a part of it for me due to a lifetime of having niche interests. Or sometimes I’ll also just assume that everyone knows the things I know, so it’s not worth bringing up. Many times I’ve heard people say things in conversation that other people around them are wowed / fascinated by and in my head I’m like “I knew that thing and also could have said that, but just assumed it was common knowledge and not worth discussing”. It’s like I just don’t have a good sense of which of the things I know would of interest or use to other people, so I just don’t say anything. Or that I lack enough self-esteem to think that my thoughts would be of value to other people if they don’t seem particularly novel or impressive or useful to me.

… I have a modded K2V2 with Boba U4T’s and PBT caps. Mechanical keyboards are a sensory delight!

Female masker here, introvert, with social / performance / “being perceived” anxiety, etc. Undiagnosed, waiting for assessment appointment (1 year + wait in my area).

So, I feel absolutely no need (and often like I don’t have the ability) to share my special interests. I don’t know if it’s because of my naturally withdrawn tendencies or due to socialization. I’ve been told I never stopped talking as a kid, but I have very little memory of what that felt like (even though I have some vivid memories of the things that happened around me at that time). I do feel an intense need to engage in my special interests - usually sneaking in 30 minutes over breakfast and lunch because I’m too drained by the end of a work day to engage in anything but dragging myself through essential adult life maintenance until I go to sleep. I get depressed and bored when I can’t fit it in. I get deep satisfaction and enjoyment from learning and engaging in my interests, but it’s entirely an internal experience. It has come up many times in my life that people feel I’m “not passionate” about anything. I struggle with communicating in any kind of coherent / knowledgeable / excited way even about things that fascinate me and that I have this whole internal scaffolding of understanding around.

I also have a terrible memory for specifics, which is why I called knowing about something “having internal scaffolding of understanding around”. It’s like … when people talk about my special interests, I very often understand and “know” the things they’re saying already, but the specific details, facts, etc. needed to verbally discuss the subjects on the spot just aren’t there in my mind when I reach for them. I’m much, much, MUCH more comfortable in the slow, controlled world of writing.

This is one of the big things that makes me doubt my self-diagnosis. It seems so universal among the autistic people I’ve encountered in real life and on social media that they’re like bursting to share their information and they struggle with not steamrolling over other people in conversations about their interests.

As I’m writing this, I’m having an a-ha moment about the fact that I have seen and heard and encountered these people specifically because they are the types of people who are expressive and socially out-going, who are bursting to share what they’re learning. I only see them because they’re the only ones who make themselves seem.

I want to say I want to connect more with other introverted autistic people, but I also struggle with socializing with people who are quiet like me. I feel an anxious need to fill the silence and like one of us is suppose to be the “fun” one. I usually socially exist by hiding among hilarious, creative extroverts who like an audience.

Probably something like the snail learned to find food in a certain place, then they were able to make it forget such that it would search randomly instead of going to the place it had learned.

The values of managers and business / capitalism. A manager should ideally be primarily focused on creating the conditions that allow their team to do their best work, but many people who get into management and I’m guessing most people at the executive level are people interested in power, influence, and control. Not being able to surveil their underlings takes away from that control. Managers also tend to be the types of types of people naturally suited to modern work culture - extroverts, workaholics, people who’s lives revolve around the careers. The kind of people who like being in the office. Then there is the capitalistic notion of infinite growth, improvement, and never ending increases in productivity, such that managers are pushed to squeeze their employees for every drop of their time, energy, and attention. Productivity gets defined by easy quantitative metrics like hours spent sitting still at a desk focused directly on work tasks, rather than ever being linked to things like a sustainable pace of work or work life balance or employees not living their lives with a constant feeling of dread and anxiety in their guts. Don’t expect managers to push for employee autonomy in forms like remote work when managers have been playing the game by a specific set of rules and motivations that have nothing to do with human quality of life.

Okay, but how are you gonna rip this deep buried moment of TV sadness out for a casual meme?

I did a purge every few years and started a new account to prevent too much personal information in one place, but it was well over 10 years across all of the accounts.

Not allowed to vote because I use a VPN, but am self-diagnosed and waiting for an assessment (scheduled for next Feb.)

Browser, wefwef. Former Apollo user very happy with this interface.

I’ve seen this referred to as “skill regression” and can definitely be part of the process of unmasking. It’s like your whole life you’ve been told that you shouldn’t be bothered by the things that bother you and shouldn’t struggle with the things you struggle with. This makes you learn to not trust your own experience or express your needs. You start to assume that what you’re experiencing is what everyone experiences and you just shove all of your discomfort and meltdowns and shutdowns and exhaustion down as best you can, sometimes to the point where you stop being able to notice things like discomfort in your body. When you finally realize what’s going on and start exploring your own experience, it can be overwhelming. You notice all of the small things that affect you and drain you and that are hard for you. It’s really hard to navigate this process, especially if you don’t have access to a therapist to work through these things with. I think this is much, much more common than people just artificially making up autistic traits they have once they get diagnosed or otherwise realize they have ASD.

For me, it’s been best to find other people who are looking to make friends rather than jumping into other people’s friendships. It’s tempting to see people who already have friends or friend groups or who look like they’re having fun or doing interesting things and want to just slide into their group. For me, this always results in me feeling like I have to impress people socially, like no one has time for me (because they all already have full social lives) and like I’m forever an outsider (if the group have known one another for a long time). It’s also tempting to avoid people who seem alone or like they’re looking to make friends - like you’re suddenly transported back to grade school and don’t want to get lumped in with the social rejects (even though now you know the ‘nerds and weirdos’ who found one another in those times were having probably having a better time together than the dramatic popular crowd). I’ve noticed the quality of relationships I form with other people who are actually looking to meet new people is much better than when I try to fit into an established social group. I think it’s a really good option for ND people to meet at meet ups, book clubs, drop-in game nights, or other organized events where you could encounter strangers who might be looking for friends, have a reason to talk to them, and feel them out for whatever ND vibes would match or compliment your own.