Lost_Soul

Love the advice! Thank you!

That will probably only make me more paranoid or drive me into psychosis. I had very traumatic experiences with synthetically laced weed.

99% of the time my realistic mind knows it basically doesn't matter at all but my subconscious/overthinking OCD mind always thinks it will extremely matter and affect my whole life. And that latter one is what's keeping me to obsessively make myself crazy about it.

I can relate to that!

If I could I would help them😞

It's blocking me. It's like I'm not worthy enough when I still live here. And living here makes me feel so uncomfortable I wouldn't be able to talk to someone. I'm even afraid to leave my room because I could encounter my dad.

I don't wanna talk to anyone while I'm living with my parents and am in this miserable situation.

But even if I would ever get out of here I don't have anyone to talk to. I went to like 5 different high schools since they put me into facilities at different locations in my teens.

Before I got taken away from home I had so many friends as a kid and literally met friends every single day. But over the years I lost contact to every single one of them and haven't talked to them in many years.

I'm generally not a guy who keeps friends for their lifetime. It was never that deep. When I went to a new school I had these friends for a few months and then never talked to them again.

Thanks for the encouragement. I tried drugs before such as those SSRI's but all they did is make me feel even more uncomfortable and mess with my brain chemistry.

For some people this might help to numb their feelings or something but it definitely didn't help for my major depression. I don't think depression is caused by a lack of specific neurotransmitters. It's a core part of my identity and you had to change my personality to get rid of the depression and unfortunately we don't have meds for that..

I told them literally every little detail about my situation. I also tried medication but it didn't help.

I think a core problem is that all they do is talk and further make you identify with these unhealthy thoughts instead of confidently and actively guiding you towards a healthy life and giving you the understanding that you need.

The second part of your comment literally hits the nail on its head and is so true! It feels impossible to escape this.

Damn you're so lucky to have something to go to and especially lucky for having friends and people who care about you. I wish I had that right now. I literally don't see anyone and spent 24 hours inside one single room for 2 years. The fact that I have no one who cares about me just deeply discourages me.

And the fact that I'm living with my parents again deeply discourages me further to do anything but I can't get out here because of the strong burden that makes me incapable of living independently.

I lost the hope that eventually something will improve since I had that for years and nothing changed. I already know that I will still be stuck in this room for the next 5 years unless I'm going insane or die til before that. What a waste of valuable life time😮‍💨