this post was submitted on 30 Sep 2023
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Polyamory

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Nonmonogamy for Men: The Big Picture (freaksexual.com)
submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/polyamory
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geteilt von: https://slrpnk.net/post/2665683

A while ago I noticed a problem in my polyamorous social circles, namely that some of the guys just are not doing that well, in terms of finding partners, dating, and generally succeeding at nonmonogamy. In particular, the guys who are new to nonmonogamy seem to make a lot of blunders. Sometimes these are spectacular and result in those guys giving up and going back to monogamy, but other times they seem to take the form of a steady failure to date, or a quickly cycling through relationships. Of course, there are plenty of men who take well to nonmonogamy (myself included), espcially those who have been doing it for a long time. That said, longevity is no guarantee of success – some of the frustrated guys at my recent class on this subject had been polyamorous for over a decade but could still not get their groove on. My hope with the discussions below is that they will help other guys hopscotch past a lot of the conceptual traps that hold us back.

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

One of the key barriers I think is communications skills

  • just being able to properly communicate things without fucking up can be hard (can't say I'm immune to communication blunders, hopefully I've improved over time)

another I can think of is empathy in caring about supporting each other's needs

  • supporting 1 person in a monogamous relationship takes genuine care in making sure that the partner feels that the relationship is meaningful
    • so imagining 1 more and I'm not surprised that some are unable to sustain poly

as someone that grew up in a conservative family I gotta say that most of the things I mentioned will be unfamiliar to anyone in the same position as I learned all these things externally from my mentors and friends

after reflection maybe providing support for people who want to become their best selves is a general good place to start

  • it doesn't really make sense to help people who aren't asking for help(except for some exceptions)
[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

This paper is aimed at men who are attracted to women, which covers both straight men and bisexual men’s interactions with women. It is somewhat useful for men who are attracted to men, and for women, though many of the things I say will not apply.

I'm bi leaning gay, but I came out recently and turns out I enjoy sex with men more than women. In a strange twist of irony, I find I get more women when I look for men. I don't date that much since I've got other family responsibilities, but the last two new women I slept with I "got" by talking about my interest in men.

Weird and cool I guess, but I would rather date men. I just live in a homophobic area, so life is hard.

[–] vestigialthorn 3 points 8 months ago

TLDR; the non-monogomous community has a generally lower tolerance for the toxic social norms common among cis-het men. A man that finds himself impatient with his success in dating might consider that it makes sense for non-men to be cautious of all men, and he might need to do the work to recognize he might be the one that needs to learn what others expect of him to be found attractive.