Thank you for doing this.
this post was submitted on 15 Sep 2023
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Men's Liberation
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- The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity, And Love by bell hooks
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Honestly I'm doing positively shitty. A few years ago we had a major home remodel (the initial estimate was 6 figures). The builder was a crook and the invoice was literally double the estimate. Further, he sent the invoice to my wife, and I wasn't cc'd. And without a word to me or any discussion my wife of 22 years just paid it. A few months later when I opened a mortgage bill I was shocked and horrified to find that our mortgage was doubled (some of the work was paid on a HELOC). When I asked her about it she said that I seemed so checked out and disinterested in the process that she just did it. While that is partially true, I did feel we could have gotten the floorplan we wanted with a smaller scope of work, I had also just started working for one of the Internet Giants and they were very intentionally burning me out and playing psychological games.
At some point later she lost her job, she was really upset about it and I just lost my shit. The thought that went through my head was that first she doubled our debt, then she halved our income. Not that she got herself fired, but the signs were pretty obvious that the company was mismanaged, and I urged her to start looking for a new job. If I posted to AITAH the answer would be an unqualified yes, and I freely admit it.
Now she's hiding her phone screen from me (not that I made a point of reading it, but it wasn't a thing before) and having conversations in the garage (once again I never intentionally eavesdropped) - it's like we're more roommates than a married couple now.
And in truth, I really feel like my trust had been violated (there's a term "financial infidelity") but I was trying to re-establish trust, and the fact that she's pulling back is making that a lot harder.
So I find myself so desperate for any kind of support that I'm sitting here shaking and spilling my guts to a random group of people on the internet, even though I know the level of genuine danger that could expose me to. I do have a therapist who I'm seeing today, but right now I don't even know that that's enough.
Hey, man. Your comment is a week old and I've got no solid advice for you, but I want you to know that someone read your post. You're in a shitty situation and I feel for you. Stay strong, stay level headed, and don't forget you're not alone.
I’ve been starting to read Bell Hooks - The will to change and am really liking it.
It really encapsulates a lot of my positions concerning men liberation through feminist means and perspectives.
In other news I’m trying to keep socialising with friends and discussing ideas/feelings and dreams and it sometimes feels a bit over the top but it mostly feels very nice.