Still looking for a good word describing that strange mental state you'll find yourself in when you know how to mask almost perfectly, but just learned that you can't keep that up any longer, because that was the thing that almost crushed you.
First off, I love the term neurospicy!
Have you checked out a book called Unmasking Autism? If not, it may help you a lot. https://www.amazon.com/Unmasking-Autism-Discovering-Faces-Neurodiversity/dp/B09BBM2WQJ/
I haven't finished it yet but it's been immensely informative.
One thing I learned from this book is that autism, among other things, until recently was not viewed from point of "how is this person feeling or experiencing this?" it gets viewed as how the Autist is different or bothering neurotypicals by not following social norms. And I saw a hint of that idea in the picture.
Masking is exhausting and energy intensive. You're having to consciously recognize you're doing something different, and figure out what is expected and fake it and pay attention to whether you think they know you're faking or not.