this post was submitted on 31 Jul 2023
44 points (97.8% liked)

Off My Chest

699 readers
3 users here now

RULES:


I am looking for mods!


1. The "good" part of our community means we are pro-empathy and anti-harassment. However, we don't intend to make this a "safe space" where everyone has to be a saint. Sh*t happens, and life is messy. That's why we get things off our chests.

2. Bigotry is not allowed. That includes racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and religiophobia. (If you want to vent about religion, that's fine; but religion is not inherently evil.)

3. Frustrated, venting, or angry posts are still welcome.

4. Posts and comments that bait, threaten, or incite harassment are not allowed.

5. If anyone offers mental, medical, or professional advice here, please remember to take it with a grain of salt. Seek out real professionals if needed.

6. Please put NSFW behind NSFW tags.


founded 11 months ago
MODERATORS
44
I hate my mother (self.goodoffmychest)
submitted 11 months ago by Korraa to c/goodoffmychest
 

I hate her. I've always been understanding of her. I've always understood the reasons behind her behaviour. I've always been patient with her..... But honestly, why should I? She gaslights me and my sister. She tries to manipulate us. She guilt trips us. She screams at us, she used to beat us.... She has a shitty married life. I understand that. I understand the pain that she went through as her husband cheated on her. I've always tried my best to support her. I've listened to her rants. I've consoled her, what have I not done as a son? I've done my duties as a son. I couldn't top the classes. I couldn't do well in sports, she never allowed me to do what I wanted to do. I couldn't excel in the fields she wanted. Isn't that the only pain i gave her? That she couldn't brag in front of her colleagues and friends about how her son is playing basketball on national level?

I wasted two only my most crucial academic years when I opted for biology instead of math. I said I wanted to become an architect, but coincidentally, her niece is also an architect. She was for some reason afraid that her niece would ruin my career so she refused to let me pursue that field. I fought again three years later to become an architect. This is the first time I've done something that goes against her.

I ruined my mental health in order to help her. I would listen to her shouting for hours and then calm her and console her. I'm so ruined that a squeak at night makes me think she's shouting again. I can't sleep properly. Even then, I've tried to get her medical help. I tried to convince her to go to a psychiatrist. But she won't. She starts shouting that everyone thinks she's crazy... Like yeah, you are crazy.

She doesn't acknowledge my sexuality. When i tried to tell her, she so surely called it a mental illness and whoever does that is "sick and disgusting". She doesn't allow me to get out of her image of what a man should be. I can't wear a necklace cause "it is girlish". I can't get my haircut in a certain way cause it's girlish. I have to walk like a man, talk like a man. I just can't do anything! And if I try to do it, she might find out I'm gay! And if she finds out, she'll tell everyone and check my phone and think that I'm in contact of bloody terrorists.

I've tried understanding her, I've tried helping her, I've tried sympathising with her. Has she done that for me? I've upheld my responsibility. I've never made her feel bad for what I've done. Why does she make me feel bad for what is supposed to be her responsibility? Giving money for my education, was her responsibility. Giving me clothes, food, etc was her responsibility. When i tried coming out to her, her responsibility was to make me feel comfortable. She was supposed to support me. She has always made me feel bad about thing I've never had a control on. My large foot (yes she doesn't like that my feet are large), my height which stopped at 5'11, even my darker skin colour. She used to beat me and scrub me so hard that my skin would peel. In her mind, i was dark cause I didn't bathe properly.

Oh, and she's sexist to her own daughter..... She's a female, my sister is a female, yet she discriminates against her. And she thinks she's making me feel good by putting myself before my sister. She has also ruined my sister's relationship with me. Even though, again and again, I've told her to not put me before my sister, to not compare her with me, to not make her feel like that..... She continues it. I've tried many times to tell my sister that I don't agree with our mother but our mother..... She always ruins stuff. She berates her when I'm not around and by the time I find out, the damage is already done. She's fucked up as hell. Her family also blames us for her dysfunctional marriage. They also guilt trip us. They used to blame us when we were like 10 and 6. Her entire family is fucked up.

Yeah..... I hate her. I hate her. I'll always hate her. Anyways, thanks for reading my rant.

top 11 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] KindredAffiliate 20 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

Oof. My mother has borderline personality disorder (BPD), and I have definitely felt similar to this throughout my life.

Have you checked out r/raisedbynarcissists or r/raisedbyborderlines?

Fyi, if you haven't learned it yet, you will learn soon in your life that attempting to help/fix her is an absolutely pointless endeavor. Point blank, full stop. It only hurts you. Cluster B personality disorders (which your mom shows sooo many signs of) are notoriously terrible at being helped, even by trained therapists. You must keep her at arms length, and focus on healing yourself.

[–] Korraa 6 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I've already given up on helping her. I've long since realised she only uses me as an outlet for her frustrations. Idk what disorder she has but I'm certain she has given me bipolar disorder (I haven't been diagnosed but I'm very certain).

What I hate about myself is that i still wish to trust her. I still wish she accepts me.... Not anymore though. After her last episode of drama, I've given up. I will work on forming better relationships outside. My blood relatives have all been assholes.

[–] orphiebaby 5 points 11 months ago

Don't know why someone downvoted you.

[–] Tolstoshev 11 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Find a therapist that specializes in cptsd and is ideally a survivor themselves. Many therapists don’t understand the depth of damage from the first person in your life being a narcissist and emotional abuser, or how to treat it. EMDR is also a good treatment modality.

[–] Korraa 6 points 11 months ago

Getting therapy is very far rn. I'll have to move out, get a job, and then therapy. At the moment, the best I can do is work on myself to the best of my ability

[–] Anid_vid 8 points 11 months ago (2 children)

I can give no advices but say one thing, stay strong pal, There will always be people like us to listen and support you so don't ever feel like there is no one you can turn to. I hope things get better for you ❤️

[–] Korraa 4 points 11 months ago

Thanks a lot! I deleted reddit and sort of decided to vent in my journals but she could read it and if she does....... I'm glad that people here are supportive. I don't have anyone IRL to vent so I'm really grateful ❤️

[–] orphiebaby 4 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

Same, there's not much advice I can give. I had three abusive families; but they were all impersonal, while I was a socially-oblivious autistic kid. So when people talk about relationship nuances, I had no nuanced relationships. "These families were my guardians, this first one neglected me, this second one sexually abused me, this third family expected me to behave and hurt me when I didn't, that's it." But I digress.

I'm here to listen and offer my condolences though! ♥

I will say I have some good friends with narcissistic mothers, and jesus the stories they tell me and the distress they often vent about. I wish I could rescue them. Blegh.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Im really sorry to read that. It sounds like a giant mess that is affecting everyone. It must feel bad to do all those efforts and still feel like it's pointless.

Have you considered getting therapy for yourself? I think it's would be the best thing to do in your situation.

[–] Korraa 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I can't get therapy. If my mom finds out, she's gonna start a new drama and i don't really want to go through it rn

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago

I see... That suck...

Is there anyone in your life that you can trust to talk about this?

May I ask how old are you? Have you considered leaving her and live somewhere else far away from her? Basically cutting her from your life?

I don't know your situation. Sorry if those advices are misinformed.