Use "they" for everyone. Even those who prefer traditional he/she.
I have better things to do than think about anyones gender.
this post was submitted on 08 Jul 2023
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If it’s offensive to refer to people who prefer “they/then” as “she”, then it’s offensive to refer to someone who prefers “she/her” as “they”.
And this isn’t just on principle either. I know a cis heterosexual woman who has short, but still feminine hair and tattoos and people repeatedly call her “they” sometimes and it bothers her. And it’s weird because the solid odds are that she prefers “she/her” but people call her “they” which points out that she doesn’t look conventional.
Edit: the best thing you can do is to ask literally everyone you meet, or just use he or her the traditional way and quickly and briefly apologize if corrected.
Honestly they can just deal with it. I respect their choice, but I'm not gonna frustrate myself trying to figure them out, especially if it's just a quick conversation that will both forget about in a s few minutes.
Because when it gets to that level of complexity, like WTF is anyone supposed to seriously do?
You say you respect their choice, but your self-described actions don’t.
My response is to use "they" if I'm not sure.
Haha true
Pretty sure that’s offensive as well. I just use the name speaking about the person with someone else. “Ed asked me to speak with you. Ed mentioned that Ed was not going to join our meeting.”, etc.
George likes his chicken spicy, George is getting upset
Yup. Unless I am clear on what I should be addressing a person as, I simply use the name.
Everyone has "custom" pronouns. Some just match possible preconceived notions about them.
It depends on the person, but usually a good trend to follow if you're unsure is to main the pronoun that comes first. Nowadays when people put several pronouns they tend to also prefer if you switched it up with one of the other pronouns once in a while. Doesn't have to be all pronouns in one sentence but just switching up which one you're maining right now.
For example, I use they/it/any. You can't go wrong with they, but I would like if people used it and any other pronouns too. My friend uses they/she but prefers they so I call them they but pop in an occasional she.
And I understand the defaulting to they/them, but be aware that if it's a trans person that has struggled to get their identity respected, not using the he or she that they prefer will make them uncomfortable and come across as misgendering. "Allies" that don't respect your identity tend to use the they/them trick to avoid actively misgendering, but not actually call them by their real pronouns either.
Edit since I saw your other reply, if people say they don't care they usually really don't, or if they do care they're being unfair. You could ask if they really don't have any preference at all, but otherwise they/them tends to be a safe bet, maybe some switching it up.
Specifically on she/they:
I use this on the internet sometimes because, when I give someone help on something technical, 90% of the time they thank an imaginary bloke. And if I correct them I'll get trolls harassing me and patronising pricks giving me tips for beginners (including, often, the person whose question I answered).
When you don't know, keep it neutral. Reinforcing stereotypes is harmful even if you mean no harm.
Interested I hearing about this. I try to be thoughtful and tactful about this choice when referring to folk but I wish I knew more about it to be improve about how to properly address folk.
In my experience, this tends to be one of those "it's not what you say, it's how you say it" sort of situations.
Obviously if someone is wearing a button or something that says "they/them" or whatever, then go with that. In most other cases just kind of go with your gut, be respectful, accept that you might be wrong and if they correct you, apologize and make an effort to abide by their preference. They live in the world, they get it, it's new to a lot of people, it's not always intuitive, and it's almost definitely not a new experience for them. If you're respectful and make an effort, for a lot of people that's like 90% of what they want from you, and they'll roll with your mistakes.
And if you want to be safe, generally speaking, they/them works for pretty much everyone, and although there's some weird ambiguity in some cases of if it's singular/plural, it's grammatically correct. I personally make an effort to use it as much as possible whether I'm talking about a trans/nonbinary person or a cis person, and honestly it hasn't gotten anyone's feathers ruffled, most people don't even tend to notice. I may need to think my sentences through a little more than I would have otherwise, but thinking before you speak is probably a habit a lot of people could stand to develop anyway.
I asked one person, they just said that she didn't care. It's annoying because I don't know how to address him.
I'd default to they, and if they tell you to use something else, use it.
Just use "they" by default (or the persons name) until you know what they prefer
If someone asks me, I say any/all. Whatever's clever.
This would be better answered by the person in question, as everyone has a unique relationship with the language used to refer to them.
That
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