No Stupid Questions

Not to get on my socialist soapbox, but we’re so tired and exhausted from work that we don’t have the time or energy to make friends and other connections. The only relationships we really have are romantic ones and even then it’s basically only allowed because it makes more babies to eventually exploit.

So my advice to you is this: don’t worry so much about romance. Try and cultivate relationships online and in person. If you have friendships that will increase your happiness. Plus you will then have a pool of people who share most of your values, and one or two might emerge as romantic partners.

how do you feel happy when you aren't?

Personally, when I was younger I caught myself using relationships to define my self worth and distract me from dealing with my own negative thoughts. So I started working on myself. I would sit in silence, with little to no distractions, for prolonged periods of time at least once a week (e.g. taking a long bath, or a road trip with no radio). This forced me to spend time with my own thoughts and, before long, something would bubbled to the surface (a past argument, memories of a past breakup, feelings of inadequacy, etc). Then I would take a look at that subject and / or allow myself to just feel any negative emotions. The objective was not to "solve" the issue, just to be mindful of it and understand why I was holding on to those thoughts. Eventually, I came to terms with most of my inner turmoil in one form or another. That got me to a place where I could be alone without being lonely and that, in turn, allowed me to be happy whether I was in a relationship or not.

Not sure if that is any help to you, but it worked for me.

It's not easy, and it takes time to get comfortable and happy being alone. Work on hobbies, go hiking with your dog, exercise, knock out projects around the house, play videogames. It's amazing how much time there is for things when you aren't tied up with the obligations of a relationship. Eventually it feels pretty normal.

I'd suggest a combination of the following in whatever amounts you feel comfortable with:

• if you don't already have one, get a pet you feel you could successfully care for. The unconditional love of a puppy or kitten gives you 99% of the "feeling wanted" yearning. Also, taking your dog to a dog park might open you up to meeting new people and making more friends.
• someone else suggested video games, and I'd add online/co-op games at that. It will give a lot of the "socializing" as well as the feeling of being needed. Also consider local D&D and other RPG groups if you have any.
• in that vein, make use of Meetup or Craigslist to find local affinity groups. You mentioned wanting to find someone who shares your values, and that's much more likely while participating in a group activity with people who share your values! There's gaming groups like I said, but if there's anything you can think of that you'd like to try, from painting like Bob Ross to knitting/crocheting to rock climbing to book clubs to yoga to meditation groups to programmed gym activities etc etc etc.

And every one of those options opens up a tiny possibility of meeting someone who could be THAT someone (though I wouldn't advise moving forward with that as the goal).

The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer talks about loneliness.

Loneliness happens when you've:

1. Blocked an experience of loneliness inside of you and;
2. That experience is being triggered through similar events.

Instead of changing the world to accommodate your thorn, to avoid feeling the thorn, you want to accept that you're going to eventually have to face the thorn in order to get rid of it. Go through life, allow the thorn to be triggered, be aware of the sensations that arise, and then work on relaxing and releasing it as it comes up.

Once the thorn is gone, as long as you stay open and don't allow another thorn to wedge itself in there, you will be free.

You mention you're particularly extroverted; I wonder how much of that behaviour is based on resolving an inner loneliness. I'm also one for social situations, though I do it for a completely different reason: I love people. I just really like them. That doesn't go away.

Idk I think the only things making me feel not good about being a kiss virgin is my brain trying to make me feel sad about it and seeing other people showing love and affection to another.

I didn't start to settle down until 34. Got married at 38. I have a dog, so I never experienced the loneliness others did when single. I am genuinely happier with someone, but it was always about putting myself out there. Dating was almost as bad as job hunting on the apps. I sympathize with anyone doing it that way. Otherwise, keep putting yourself out there via your hobbies and it's more likely to happen.

That said, you could do everything right and still fail. This is why you should own a shelter dog and you will always know true love :D.

There's no easy answer to loneliness.

Most human beings want someone to talk to, to hang out with, to laugh at jokes with, to eat meals with, to have sex with, to share our problems with, and so on. But with that said, I think one of the great lies of society is that there is a "single special someone" out there for every person that fills all of these roles all of the time. A lot of things (monogamy, marriage, home ownership, etc.) are mere social constructs, and tied to each of them are certain expectations and pressures that society puts on us, and that we put on ourselves.

That's not inherently wrong, of course, but what I'm trying to get at is that a lot of the things we worry about--things like "settling down" at a certain age, the fear of living or dying alone, etc., are all just imaginary concepts, which in many cases don't even reflect reality. You could finally "settle down" with the "right person", and still wind up divorced and single in your 40s or 50s. Similarly, you could meet the love of your life and build a great life together, but still end up "dying alone" because they go first or you end up separated for some reason. That's a bit of a morbid way of saying that the fears you have of being alone are not something that will be solved if you "settle down", and that being in a committed relationship or legal contract like marriage is no guarantee of happiness or fulfillment. (I'd argue that you're much better off being single than you are being married to the wrong person for years and years.)

To make matters worse, regular human "courtship" and dating practices have been tainted by tech companies and dating apps which are inherently flawed and a superficial, one-size-fits-all solution that can't possibly work for every type of person in every context and culture. Dating apps are toxic and letting us down as a human race, and our society mostly sucks these days, but I digress.

Ultimately I think what we all really need is to (a) be happy and comfortable alone, doing meaningful hobbies that we enjoy, seeing places and doing the things that we want to do when we have the time, etc., and (b) to find people in our lives to spend our lives with, be it friends, family, lovers, online communities, offline circles, talking to the people at your local places, and so on.

It's a mistake to put all of your eggs in one basket or to hope for 1 person out of >7 billion to solve all of our problems with loneliness and social interaction. Be good to people, talk to people, go find people to have sex with, meet up with your sibling or old friend for lunch every once in a while, build up every relationship, big and small, and you can chip away at your own loneliness and the loneliness of others at the same time. Like the song says "we get by with a little help from our friends", so be a good friend and build good friendships, because there is more to life than lovers and partners. (And, of course, appreciate your alone time too, the time when you can do exactly what you want and experience true freedom.)

That's what makes sense to me and makes me feel better when I'm lonely, at least.

It happened to me a few months after finally blocking a guy who led me on for years (I met his family, twice - and still no commitment either for or against a relationship.

I was in my car enjoying music and just thinking out loud to myself - and felt this moment of longing where I wanted to share this joy with someone. I had that feeling before but this time there was another thought inside of me that realized that no one really knows me as well as I know myself. And that these moments where I’m enjoying my own company aren’t missing anything. No expectations to live up to, no one needing things from me, I didn’t have to worry about how others were doing - and it felt liberating.

Shortly after I met my current partner and were happy together but definitely enjoy and appreciate our alone time. And the reason our relationship has been going for as long as it has is because I know on a personal level that either one of us could leave at any time and we’re fine. If I didn’t have that, I wouldn’t be happy in any relationship.

But that’s my approach, and I think it’s different for everyone, so… ymmv

I think, by that age, the pressure to settle down in a relationship and eventually a family is very much due to social expectation. Peer pressure by proxy, because many people around you, including your friends of similar ages, have probably settled down and/or become parents and it makes you feel like you have to follow suit. I've experienced similar pressure never really acknowledged it as something I wanted, but rather something I felt was expected of someone my age.

Consider that there are people significantly older than you who are still going through the same weird and wonderful phases and feelings of their lives, between relationships and perhaps balancing a desire to be social with a love/family life or vice versa. I don't think there's a set time or age to settle down and be happy. It sounds cliché, but it can and perhaps will happen when you least expect it.

Also as others have pointed out on here, work life gets in the way and leaves you too exhausted to be social. Just remember there's also people of all ages out there still looking for a reason to leave their lives of late nights out with mates behind. Sometimes having too much time on your hands can be a curse, it's all about striking a balance somewhere between work life and social life and it's not particularly easy. Either way, your social life is eventually prone to some kind of decline and a desire for something different, and that's the point where it should become clear what you truly want to do.

Simply put: Don't rush yourself, there's loads more time left on the clock to have your fun and figure out what you think is best for you. I'm not suggesting to NOT settle down since that's what you seem to want, but don't feel disappointed in yourself if you find it difficult to balance the want for settling down with the want for a social life. Go with what the heart wants while the option is still there, because one day that option may not be an option at all.

Grieve your past relationships, then let them go.

Grieve the hopelessness of meeting someone that has your values, then let it go

You’ll be happier and when someone lands near you you’ll be better suited for the relationship with more to give to that person than before.

Happiness does come from within. You can be content with most aspects of your life and still want to find a life partner or other have other goals. Part of managing things is just having reasonable expectations. If you can identify something else that bothers you it'll still bother you when you're with someone else. A relationship won't fix that other thing and how much you want a relationship can be magnified with fomo.

I think it starts hitting harder after 30 or other milestone ages because it's just a notable mark. Thoughts like, "well, I'm X and still single again." just pops-up. Also around 30 most people are settling down or already have. Either because they're wanting to have kids before their 40s or because they're tired of casual dating. Probably also spent enough time dating to figure out what they want and locked that shit down when they found it.

Personally I've always disliked the process of casual dating. Going out as a couple is good but throwing money and time at trying to get to know someone only for it to not work out gets old. I don't like getting to know someone for however many days or months then never hearing from them again. I want stability not just a distraction. And after 30 dating can have additional challenges to wade through. Modern dating in general can be a mess for everyone involved regardless of age.

Protip, don't read into any kind of pill nonsense or pick-up-artist crap. Also take breaks from dating when morale is low. Do date with intention and state yours if you have actual goals for a relationship. Like don't bother pursuing anything with people who aren't looking for something serious or you aren't compatible with. It's not a waste of time to figure out compatibility but it is a waste of time if you know there isn't long-term potential.