Anxiety

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Community for individuals with anxiety for exchange and helping each other.

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I was worried about getting matches on dating apps; now I have them yet can't get myself to message back (self.anxiety)

submitted 11 months ago by _number8_ to c/anxiety

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it's just you hear so many horror stories about it all. both about the apps themselves and just from people's bad relationships in general. it's a huge life change to go from single to actively going on dates [or whatever the term is], i feel like, because you're being emotionally vulnerable, which is important / challenging, and committing to a lasting thing ostensibly as well. and i'd have to make sure my apartment is cleaner in all the specific neat little ways.

i mean i want to message back but every time it's like i stress myself out and overanalzye what they said and what i should say and i can't even enjoy it -- does anyone enjoy that part?

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[–] coyootje 8 points 11 months ago (1 children)

As someone who also struggled with this I'd say that just a simple "hi" will most likely already do. The one person I matched with on a dating platform (my current partner) said I was the only one that just simply said hi instead of trying some cheesy pickup line (or immediately talking about sex).

As mentioned above, I struggled with joining an online dating platform for a long time and when I did it took me a month of active swiping before I finally got a match. I was really nervous but I acted a bit more confident than I was (at first at least, before opening up later during our first date) and we've now been together for over 5 years.

[–] glimse 4 points 11 months ago

You got lucky. Opening with "hi" may be slightly better than a cheesy pickup line but most people won't reply to someone putting 0 work into the conversation. You're giving them nothing to reply with besides another "hi"

Just open something relevant to their profile that's not alluding to sex and keep it short/casual

[–] saywhatisabigw 1 points 11 months ago

They matched with you. So they like you already. Just be yourself and write a message.

Hi TheirName. I matched with you because I saw blank in your profile. Ask them a question.

[–] snek -1 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

I would just not be on those apps. Yes, it works for some, but overall it's a shitty way to meet new people. Much easier to meet someone while learning a new hobby and organically asking them out rather than staring at a screen in horror and anxiety, unable to type a simple reply.

Dating shouldn't be a "market"... it's just something that happens in one's life. Making it marketable and gamified cheapens in my view.

But I don't want to be that person giving you that kind of answer, so I would say get a friend to text back the first reply just to give you a push. You may dread going on that date, but you'll find out it wasn't that bad after all... or you'll find out you met another shitty person on a dating app, and that it wasn't worth it, and that the lesson learned is to never try.

[–] thezeesystem 8 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Sadly for some people, for instance people with anxiety, depression or some kinda disabilities, also people who are rural, that's not really a option. :(

[–] snek 1 points 11 months ago

Yeah, that's a very good point, but I think the issue is not with accessibility, but with how these apps are built. Living in rural areas, having a disability, etc, this still means you could get a discord account, or take a class online, or find people on lemmy in your area, etc. Online dating is fine, but what irks me is viewing a bunch of people in scrollable format, rating them quickly based on superficial details, like in a market place.