this post was submitted on 05 Jul 2023
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It’s true, but my best friend hasn’t called for years because he got tired of me not calling him back. Anxiety is a bitch.
"Beat a path to thy neighbor's door" still applies to us. I've explained it to people that I go in and out of feeling social, I expand and contract basically in cycles. When I'm not responsive to "you" I'm not being responsive to anyone else either, my world has shrunk and I go introverted again for a time. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you, I just get like that and I always have.
This has worked really well for me, with the people who are willing to get it. Often they tell me it's the same for them.
I can't stress this part enough: People are making up reasons for why you aren't responsive in the absence of you telling them why. The imagined situation, due to all of our little self esteem and confidence issues, is that it's about how you feel about them in particular. I'd tried to explain this to my mom so many times over the years and what eventually did it was me explaining that I go "invisible" on Steam and Battle.net for instance when I'm like that. I even hide from the people I just play video games with. She recalled her sister being a bit of a recluse and got it finally. Your examples might be different, but you do owe your friends that explanation of what it's like to be you, so that they don't think this is what it's like to be them.
Thanks for this. Reading the OP comment I was like “Yea, that’s how real friendships should be!”
But you’ve grounded me here. Thanks.
Hey, no prob. It's been a genuine struggle and I've lost friends over it that I wish I'd kept.
I refer to it as “I’m feeling quiet right now” which means the effort involved in seeing others and being seen is just exhausting. I’m not mad at you, I’m just out of social juice.
It’s like being tired at the gym: I like exercising, but not when I’m tired, because then it starts to hurt. That sometimes gets people to rethink things.
That's a great way to put it, love the analogy too.
Can you send a text or email and tell them that? Just say, hey my anxiety is preventing me from calling you and guilt for all the time past is feeding it.
You can.
The problem is them at that point. They still blamed me despite my best efforts.
“I want to call, but I feel guilty about not calling for so long. Do you want me to call?”
Some people will tell you to fuck off, some will grit their teeth and say yes, and some will just be happy you’re talking again. It can hurt to lose a friend, but it’s better to lay it on the table and let them choose you or not instead of wallowing in the guilt.
Social anxiety is terrible, I'm sorry.