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I have been running a cron script to automatically restart the lemmy backend, which in turn resets the postgres memory use ever since this problem started to happen months ago. For me 0.19.x actually made it less bad, but it is still an annoying issue.
Try limiting the database connection pool size too in
lemmy.hjson
. It helped a lot in my instance. I set mine to 30 in a small server with 8gb ram. You can set it to even lower value for lower postgres memory consumption.