this post was submitted on 05 Jan 2024
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I am a parent, and... that's not how this works.
Your kid doesn't hear "I need a few minutes to deal with my human feelings," they hear "daddy is mad and doesn't want to play with me." They don't have the emotional intelligence yet to understand that you're a person, not just the mythic figure of parent that they see.
This is why the trope of daddy taking a minute alone on the toilet is A Thing.
On the upside, you'd be surprised how often you can destress precisely by being a kid with your kid, playing Legos and cuddling. Being a dad is hard, but it's awesome.
I would have to disagree with you there.
Just this morning my oldest daughter who is almost 4 asked me to go to the basement before school and I said I would turn on the light and get it ready for her, but Daddy wanted to say for a few minutes on the couch.
She said "Ok dad, here's bun bun (her comfort animal) so you can snuggle and feel better". It was so selfless I went with her anyway and she said "Did you know I love you, dad?" On the way down the stairs and it was great.
But she was totally emotionally intelligent enough to say "daddy isn't feeling good, I'd like to help him" and I think that starts MUCH earlier than people think.
Every situation is different with these kids, for sure. I think the OP is a good one, because sometimes stewing in your own juices isn't what you need, and all you need is a kid to say hey let's build Legos. I'm tired all the time these days, we are worked to death, our kids demand constant attention, and while we absolutely all need time to ourselves, it's also good to just buck up sometimes and build some Lego, at least for me it is, it brings me out of the funk. Sometimes I end up sitting there building nonsense after my kids have gotten bored.
I'm all about mental health and needing to figure your shit out yourself sometimes, but I also think sometimes you need a push to get the gears moving.
But yeah, if they come and say I'm bored, and I need a minute, you're gonna have to figure your shit out. But if you have a project and some focus, maybe I need a little focus as well, just a distraction with purpose.
Emotional intelligence varies, though. My two-year-old is remarkably observant and has stopped to ask Mommy or Daddy "You okay?" more than once when one of us was letting our distress show through.
Me, as an autistic pre-schooler? Fuck no, in retrospective I was my parents' worst nightmare until I started being able to piece together social cues and link them to cause and effect. I don't think I started figuring that shit out well into elementary school.