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How do I cope with my father hating me? (lemm.ee)

submitted 11 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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My father, who convinced me (16 m) at the time to move in with him instead of my mother when they moved. All 3 of the other siblings stayed with my mother. He then kicked me out the week I turned 18, a week into my senior year. Since then he stays in touch only to speak with his grandchildren (now going on 4 kids). I have never been anything but opportunistic and positive in our interactions. Regardless he still acts like I am a burden to talk too. Am now 37, and finally getting to the point I should accept it. I'm the complete opposite with my own children and can't comprehend how someone could treat their child like this. How do I cope? It eats at me. I will answer any questions in depth if it will help in understanding the situation.

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[–] [email protected] 28 points 11 months ago (1 children)

My mom kicked me out when I was 18 and I was homeless for 2 weeks. She took me back in when uni started.

This is one of the reasons I don't speak to hear anymore. At all.

This year, she sent me texts demanding to see me on my birthday. I did not speak to her. At all.

I am now waiting for her to die and for one of my siblings to inform me. Apparently, my sister (who lives in another country, we don't talk much) is also done with her and doesn't talk to her at all. I guess our brother will let us know.

What I'm getting at is that you are under no obligation to cater to people who don't want to tolerate you in the first place. If a guy you lived with for a while was an asshat and demanded to see your children, you'd think he was demented. But suddenly he nutted in your mother once and now it's fine? Family means nothing on its own. Family means you have a default group of people you interact with, but it's up to each individual to actually be friends and allies with their family members, and if someone isn't being a good friend or a good ally, and even is actively antagonizing you, then why do you still feel like you owe them anything? What do you mean "finally getting to the point you should accept it"? Accept him into your life? Why?! What good will that ever do to you? Oh sure maybe you'll get to think "well I made amends before he died" once he's dead. Guess what, if you've never held a grudge against him like you seem to imply, then it's actually not up to you to make amends. Don't tolerate bullshit from people just because they happen to be related to you.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Yeah Ghost those mofos, best thing i ever did.

[–] meekah 5 points 11 months ago (2 children)

I'm starting to second guess myself. I'm 25 and haven't talked to my mom in about 7 years. I feel like I at least owe her to talk to her about why I felt the need to shut our relationship down. I am also afraid of regretting not talking to her before her eventual death. But I also don't know how to approach her after all this time.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Does that feeling come up more when you're sober and healthy, or when you're high, sleep deprived, or under systemic inflammation?

If the feeling is coming up when you're at your clearest, it's probably worth following. If it's coming up when you're at your most muddled, that's probably a sign it's worth ignoring.

[–] meekah 2 points 11 months ago

Thanks for your input. I'll try to take note of that when it comes up again.

[–] RBWells 2 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

Probably TMI but I wasn't close with my mom, like the poster above she kicked me out when I finished high school at 17, I do understand, my dad had died and she had a lot to deal with, more younger kids at home.

I did not feel regret for not being closer when she died. It's fine, we had what we could and she was close to my youngest sister, and I've been quite lucky in Mother-in-laws, mom of my ex and mom of my husband I am closer with. My mom I just would text on her birthday and mother's day.

Don't give what you can't. Focus on your life and stay polite with her, and distant is fine. It's not wrong to take care of your own life and it won't keep you from being close with other people.

[–] meekah 1 points 11 months ago

The thing is I'm not just distant, I'm full on no contact with her. And sometimes I think that maybe my reaction is a bit too harsh. But I think you're right, I need to get myself in good position/mental state before I should try to reestablish contact. I can't handle her problems if I don't have my own in check.

Thanks for sharing.