I've been slowly, but steadily collecting more and more people to miss, Watching my finances get worse and worse. My body is starting to fall apart. My life is boring, lonely and grueling. Every time I take a step forward in one area I take a step back in all the others. Therapy has been worse than useless, loved ones stop caring eventually, casual friends just disappear into the ether without a trace.

I wish I hadn't gotten "lucky" during my previous suicide attempts, because I definitely can't try that anymore. I wish someone could just do it for me, without me ever expecting it.

But your 30s are supposed to be easier. More stable. It's hard to believe that'll be the case for me, going into them with no connection to my past, no money, no marketable skills.

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[–] cashews_best_nut 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You give me hope. Though I'm unsure how the fuck to make friends at 40 in a new city. :/

Well, I guess I KNOW (Meetup, groups, etc) but I'm just...scared to death? I have a similar attitude to you wrt not giving two fucks what people think of me right up until the possibility friendship could develop. Then I turn into a shambles of fear and self-loathing.

I visited an old college friend at the beginning of the month and my depression lifted so fucking fast it made me realise it's all rooted in loneliness. If I could go out occasionally and visit friends I'd be a completely different person. Instead I just stew at home and feel miserable.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Well, in my case, I sobered up, joined a church, went to nursing school, and bought a house in a new neighborhood. Between those things, the friends found me. So you never know. Join a group, do some things, see what shakes out.