I've been slowly, but steadily collecting more and more people to miss, Watching my finances get worse and worse. My body is starting to fall apart. My life is boring, lonely and grueling. Every time I take a step forward in one area I take a step back in all the others. Therapy has been worse than useless, loved ones stop caring eventually, casual friends just disappear into the ether without a trace.

I wish I hadn't gotten "lucky" during my previous suicide attempts, because I definitely can't try that anymore. I wish someone could just do it for me, without me ever expecting it.

But your 30s are supposed to be easier. More stable. It's hard to believe that'll be the case for me, going into them with no connection to my past, no money, no marketable skills.

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[–] Kyrgizion 8 points 1 year ago

I'm 40 and my life has been steadily going downhill since my early teens. I had a fairly normal childhood with some drama (parents divorced at 6 etc) but nothing extreme.

In my teens I began getting heavily bullied with caused me to retract socially. My grades were okay but nothing special. I got into a college and got a journalism degree. Did a month stint in a psych ward for suicidal tendencies during that time.

I spent most of my 20's and 30's keeping my head down and working menial service jobs since, despite having a degree, I couldn't find a job in the field.

Today I'm still working menial service jobs. My health and finances are in tatters. I have no friends or social life outside of work, and at work I am "popular" only because I'm the idiot everyone can throw under the bus or be sure to switch shifts with because the spineless bastard never says no.

I am so tired. I just want to sleep. For as long as possible. In fact this is how I spend most of my actual free time after chores & work are done. I just get into bed & sleep. Either I dream something bad or good, which is interesting or entertaining either way, or I don't dream and am caught in sweet oblivion, a glimpse of nonexistence.