I've been slowly, but steadily collecting more and more people to miss, Watching my finances get worse and worse. My body is starting to fall apart. My life is boring, lonely and grueling. Every time I take a step forward in one area I take a step back in all the others. Therapy has been worse than useless, loved ones stop caring eventually, casual friends just disappear into the ether without a trace.

I wish I hadn't gotten "lucky" during my previous suicide attempts, because I definitely can't try that anymore. I wish someone could just do it for me, without me ever expecting it.

But your 30s are supposed to be easier. More stable. It's hard to believe that'll be the case for me, going into them with no connection to my past, no money, no marketable skills.

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[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Things have generally gotten better for me over time. My childhood and adolescence were pretty rough and I’ve felt better since I’ve had more control and autonomy. I’ve also gotten treatment for depression which made a huge difference in my life. There are still low points. Right now I’m feeling down because work is overwhelming, but I’ll get through it.

It sounds like you’re at a point where you could use some help getting past the suicidal ideation. That’s a very dangerous mental and emotional state. You mentioned therapy. Do you still have a therapist? Can you have a very open and frank discussion about what you posted here? If not, are there other resources available where you live? Things can get better and you deserve to have an enjoyable and fulfilling life. I sincerely hope you get support to help you through these rough times so you can build the kind of life that you want and have hope for the future.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm generally honest with my therapist, but I keep anything related to suicidal ideation pretty close to my chest. If they decide to put me in a psych ward for a week or two (they can do that where I live, if they deem you a suicide risk.) I'll probably lose my job, and subsequently get evicted.

I definitely wouldn't say I'm actively suicidal, but I imagine I would be if that happened.

[–] Kyrgizion 2 points 1 year ago

So much this. I have to restrain myself daily from hanging myself like my father did but there is no way in hell another living soul is ever getting that outta me non-anonymously, for the exact reasons you described.