So I started talking to this guy in November. I really like him and he says the same. We are long distance of 7 hours so it’s not so so bad and we see each other here and there when he’s down here for work. Anyways… lately I’ve been feeling self - conscious and scared of him being bored / abandoning me. I had a bad past with my ex (he would compare me to other girls towards the end of our relationship and tell me he’s watching twerking lives to my face). And I’ve had anxious detachment relationships with my dad as we used to fight and not talk a lot so these feelings stem from trauma.
Anyways long story short. I obviously looked through his following. Nothing bad. He was following this one Instagram famous girl who post like thirst pics and whatever (boobs popping out, tongue out, etc) super gorgeous but the photos know what they r doing lol. Anyways, she was live and I joined and I said haha my man follows you. Take in, he liked her picture 2 days ago and it upset me because I don’t look anything like her and he wasn’t even liking my own stories. How do I have other men liking my stories but not him?! Lol. Anyways, I told her that she’s like oh eww girl lemme block him for you. I was surprised and I’m like sure lol. I told her if she can just remove him from her followers list and she did. She and her other viewers were telling me to see if he follows her back because then he’s noticing it. I feel so toxic that I’ve done this and so grossed out from myself. Oh btw, she said he would always text her and send her memes and say she looks good. But she said the last time he did that was November which is when we started talking so it’s fine I guess. But I don’t follow any men who post stuff like that so I found it so annoying that he liked the picture when it should’ve reminded him to unfollow her lol. Maybe I’m just mentally ill.
We also haven’t been talking as much the last couple days because when I found out I felt so gross and then I broke down to him (I didn’t tell him) about how I’m scared of the future and what will happen (I’m seeing him in two days and he said we will talk about it in person) but not texting all day until night (work stuff for him lol) is taking a toll of me . But it’s only temporarily as he’s down here for work but whatever. I get people have lives.
I just feel like I give so much of myself and my happiness, even faking it all the time, to not feel it in return. It feels like men r so interested at first but then they think ur so wrapped around their finger that they can start showing u less attention.
But he is a great guy and he hasn’t done anything wrong except that unless im just crazy. But he does treat me good. I might’ve got too vulnerable with him, he got me flowers and I cried like…. And when he told me to my eyes how much he loves spending time with me and it makes him happy i cried too because im not used to those things and hearing those words. Maybe that was a mistake
We all watch porn, instagram is softcore that is public for all to see so it makes it weird. He'll do what he wants to do and it's up to you to set boundaries for yourself, make him aware and if he respects them too - you are good, move forward, multiple conversations are needed here.
I'm sure you find other men attractive, but those are just thoughts, women make a living of showing off, men can only do it through other gay men as women don't pay for porn as much as men.
It's unrealistic for you or him to not watch porn in this day and age, so yeah you are being over the top, especially if you didn't make it obvious before. I would think liking pics/videos is fine, anything more than that is pretty bad, men have types, but some days I love redheads with huge tits, other days it's dwarves dressed like characters with huge butts - so I wouldn't read anything more than that into it.
Just work on believing and making sure you look like the baddest bitch possible version and it will improve your self confidence. Also I do find it weird you don't think other guys liking your stories/pics, dm-ing you is not triggering the same type ot jealousy for the other side.
I know. I watch porn too. Idk why but the thought of him getting off to other women or whatever makes me physically ill. Like thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Ughhhhh
Sorry, not going to mince words: That's hypocritical as fuck. You can ask him to keep it private (off instagram or other social media), but you get off to other men too.
How would you feel if he told you that made him sick to his stomach?
You can't just handwave this away as "lol idk why I feel this way, but it's his problem to deal with!" No. Stop. Bad. Don't make me get the spray bottle or the rolled up newspaper.
This is something about yourself and your own feelings that you need to sort out, for yourself. I don't mean "just get over it, lol". I mean that you need to figure out why you feel this way. If you bring it up to him, you need to have specific actions he can take to assuage your feelings. You need to decide how important this is to you, and accept that it may be a dealbreaker for you or for him. And most of all, you can't be a hypocrite about whatever you ask of him.
So far, he's not done anything disrespectful to you, because you haven't communicated your wants about this to him. I would feel uncomfortable about hearing that my partner was DM'ing a thirst catcher especially while dating, but as you say: he stopped when you two got together.
Honestly, it sounds like you've got a lot of yourself to sort out for yourself. Don't feel bad about it, that's super normal for your age especially, and normal for almost any age. Figuring out why you feel certain ways, deciding if it's reasonable or not, if things are a want or a need. But try to work on figuring yourself out for your sake. It's a lot easier to have a relationship when you know yourself well, your own problems, and your own needs.
One more thing, I feel like the fact he doesn’t like my stories but gave her picture attention is what gets me. I mean he likes my Posts but not my stories. Idk. I like him a lot but sometimes I think I might not be ready for a relationship with these jealousies lol
Stories are lame and I literally never watch them unless a sexy woman is involved
If it really matters to you then just say "Hey babe, I notice that you never watch my stories, but you're on my mind when I make them"
Don't make it about comparing. Just make it about him meeting your basic expectations of a distance relationship. If he continues to come up short, well... Life is too short to be seven hours away from your partner. I'm sure there are plenty of available folks in your area
And yeah, just don't sweat if he's got some thirsty follows. It's similar to porn so maybe find something you can both enjoy together 🤷🏻♀️ or maybe get him to talk about it in a non-judgmental conversation
Yeah, I’m gonna monitor. Maybe bring up lack of attention when I see him tomorrow. I know I can find someone else but everyone just wants to have sex and it’s disgusting. He is the only one who genuinely cares and doesn’t care for having sex and stuff. I’m his first and stuff so that makes me feel good but ur right. I mean, the girl is unfollowed and that was my ONLY issue with him. I guess I wait and see if he follows her again? If he does I’ll bring it up I guess. Very embarrassing on my end.
You want a guy who's not interested in sex? Have you considered just befriending gay men? Or dating a guy closer to 50?
Seriously, almost guy your age is on the prowl...
No I definitely do. Ur right.
Or looking for asexual men! Not all asexual men are aromantic, which sounds to me like what you're looking for - someone who wants a romantic relationship but not sex. Or maybe someone demisexual - interested in sex, but only with someone they already have romantic feelings with.
That sounds weird to me. As in, why does it bother you? It's just Instagram, you have an actual connection, I'd probably feel more weird if my long-distance partner likes my online stuff than if they don't.
As in, I want them to like me in a proper way, talk to me, open up to me, want to be with me, desire me, that stuff. I don't need the fake validation that is online +1's from someone I want a genuine connection with, and while I don't truly mind them honestly if I had to choose, I'd prefer to do without them.
That is to say, my partner sometimes comments on a status I post or so. But unlike randoms and aquaintences, they don't do it by replying to them, they tell me about it in a voicechat. That's the meaningful connection, and why would I want both.
Maybe, maybe not. But don't let the doubt eat away at you either. It's a learning experience, and it's an important one to have. Now mind you my ability to truly give advise will be limited (I'm twice your age 🙈 ). But in my 20s I was far more unsure about what I wanted, what I can do, what I cannot do and what works for me, too. It took until my late 20s and with my then-partner asking for whether they can have a side-piece (wanting to try sex with their own gender) and oddly feeling... entirely okay with that... to truly understand that there's nothing you should never talk about in a relationship, it just has to be an open, non-judgement and non-confrontational discussion, based on the truth that both parties in a relationship never stop learning about both themselves and the other.
We talked about it. A lot. About what we'd do if they found a person they like more than me, etc. About what our boundaries are. About whether we want to try stuff together, and if yes, what. And honestly, that was a huge learning experience for me, nowadays I have an FwB, am into various kinks quite openly, and for example my partner being non-monogamous would really not bother me, as long as enough trust exists in the relationship. But this would have absolutely killed me back in the days.
Sorry, long way to say: Talk more about it. Posting here isn't a bad step, but we can only help you so much as like +1's you get on the internet, we're not "real" connections of the type where you should be discussing these things. Your partner is a very good one, OTOH. Your closest friends might be. Can't judge that very well from afar, sorry.
That’s true yea.. I mean the girl said he used to message her sending her memes and saying she looks good but if he’s with me I’d expect him to atleast unfollow her?? But at the end of the day, she’s famous and she didn’t even follow him back so I shouldn’t think too hard but I feel like I’m so turned off for some reason now. And yea I mean I still watch porn lol but that’s not a big issue to me. He has problems getting hard when we do it which makes me question if he’s thinking about something else but he gets mad when this happens to him lol.
Holy toxic Batman!
It could be him not being present/thinking of someone else, or it could be any of a wide number of other reasons. Shit happens and sometimes people's parts don't cooperate.
You should be aware that there are many reasons why a guy cannot get hard. Being dehydrated, for instance, makes it really difficult to stay erect. Many guys can get pretty insecure about it, so his reaction sounds about right.
I would recommend that you not blame him for not getting hard. It just happens sometimes and that's just something that you two will have to work around
No no I don’t blame him. I don’t really care. I told him I don’t care and I don’t mind at all. And that I like it soft 😭😂 he understands that I understand and that is the least of my worries. I just have to focus on stopping being so jealous. I haven’t felt this affection towards someone since my ex that’s why I’m so triggered. I had a FWB before him and we would see other guys too because we weren’t dating but I never felt this way(jealousy) because I didn’t like him on that type of level
I mean, if it's a typical account on the web, it's more like a performance? Much like any porn actress (these accounts are ultimately softcore porn wanting to sell you their hardcore stuff) it's an act, it's in the name.
Comparing yourself with an actress never sits quite right with me. Plus we only ever see the small acting part of the person. If you listen to podcasts, Holly Randall's interviews with various porn actresses and actors has some fascinating insights into the parts we don't see, and like and actor or actress they're not at all the people they appear to be.
And I gotta ask... if it weren't softcore porn, would it be weird for your partner to be following an actress, and/or being acquainted to them?
This is something you need to talk about. To guys it can be utterly damaging to their ego, it's less about being mentally not there, but about discussing openly why it happens. After all, it could be anything. It could be nervousness. It could be that he enjoys things differently, and maybe you do, too. It could be medical. It could be circumstantial (e.g. my current partner cannot become horny after dinner for a while, that's just how it is 😅, body too focused on digestion).
It's impossible to say, but it's also really not something to sweep under the rug or belittle. And this is not meant to sound accusatory, it would not be something to sweep under the rug if it's on your side either.
Talk about it. Discuss sexy and non-sexy things. Details. Kinks. Planning out sex feels weird at first, but it's sooooo freeing when you openly know every little detail that gets your partner hornier, and you can totally play them, and importantly you also know they'd let you know the moment they want something different.