Mental Health

I have this as well, although maybe not as badly. It comes in goes in waves and depends a lot on my current self perception. But there is also this general anxiety thinking, that clings on to every possible way something could turn out wrong. It's exhausting, but it did get better over the years. I have also learned to live with it, when it's bad.

The first thing I want to recommend is therapy. That helped me a lot. Hearing a professionals perspective on my negative inner dialog, helped me view it with a little more distance. I see now that it's my brain trying to help me, trying to protect me from bad experiences, based on past traumas. Unfortunately this self protection mechanism often goes wild and hurts me in the process.

To get a grip on it all, I like to imagine my brain as a sand hill and my thoughts as marbles that are dropped on the top and then roll downwards, leaving channels in the sand. The more marbles run along a similar path the more likely the next marbles will follow them. That makes it so hard to change your thoughts, because you have to actively fight against your neuronal pathways that have been established by years and and years of this thinking. In the beginning this thinking was probably very useful. That's why the channel grew so deep, but now it is too deep channeling too many thoughts that way. So, when I realize my thoughts keep running down the same track, I stop them and force them towards a different outcome: What if all went well? What if it's all a misunderstanding? What if it happens, but it's actually not bad at all? I consciously think of various ways that contradict my negative thought patterns. It is a lot of effort, but honestly, thinking of all the worst outcomes is as well.

I have a couple of mantras, I like to remind myself of ideally every day, to program them into my mind:

• The best thing I can do is just be myself (I noticed the more I overthink something, the worse it gets. Often the best thing is just to be my honest self instead of playing 4D-chess with myself to play around every possible way something could go wrong)
• Be Authentic - Surrender the Outcome - Do the Work (You can only control yourself, you have no control over the outcome. So do your best and then let go)
• Nothing lasts, nothing is finished, nothing is perfect

I also feel like meditating and reading or listening to Alan Watts and Ram Dass helped me get a different perspective on life. Instead of holding myself to my own impossible standards and then be disappointed with myself, I realized that we're actually not that important and there is no ideal or right way to live. Life isn't there to be perfected. It's to be lived and enjoyed! In Ram Dass' words: "You can do it like it's a great weight on you, or you can do it like a dance."

Regarding mistakes: It's alright to make mistakes. They are actually an essential part of life! There is no getting around them! It's kind of a framing issue. A mistake is just something you learned how to do better after doing it. But we got told to feel bad about them often enough that we took it to heart. We are often way too hard on ourselves! Way harder than we would be with anyone else. Sometimes it helps to step back and talk to yourself as if you were your friend. And why wouldn't you want to be a good friend to yourself? In the end we're all just kids in the inside that want to be valued and loved. A part of my therapy was to talk to my inner child, tell him that he is loved and safe.

I've also heard it helps to give your negative inner voice a name, like Steve. Steve wants to do everything right and is afraid of everything. He can be a real drag, but he just wants to help. Tell your Steve to shut the fuck up and relax a little.