I don't know what to say to make you feel better, I'm just an internet stranger. I want to say two things though,

One, this internet stranger cares about you. A lot. I truly hope you get a better life and have a brighter future. I hope for your suffering to subside. I feel the same for every human, to be honest. I think we're an amazing species, capable of great things (good and bad), with so much potential for good if only we had better lives. I believe badness comes from broken humans. If they weren't as broken, their goodness will dominate. So, i care about you. I love you. And I'm sending you a virtual hug.

Second, i had a friend that killed themselves. Their death broke me for a while, and forever changed my perspective of other's private lives, and their sufferings. I did know he was suffering. And I'm hoping now he at least gets to rest and not suffer anymore. I loved him and seeing him suffer was bad. But now I'm seeing the other people in his life suffering from his loss. I do wonder what if. What if his life did improve if he didn't kill himself? What if that's a selfish way of thinking and i should be happy he's finally resting? What if his suffering just transferred to others and the sum total is just the same as before, but even more because his absence creates more? I don't know. All i know is that i miss him and I'd give anything to go back in time, and just use it to spend more time with him. Help however i can. Regardless how he chooses to continue his life.