Right now, my wife is finishing up her last day of work at her current job. Her boss has been on again/off again toxic and she had enough. She’s got another job lined up right away on Monday.
The past two weeks since she put her notice in, it’s been nothing but a torrent of praise of all of her contributions. Every day she’s been emotional about someone telling her how much they value her and are going to miss her. Taking her out to lunches, numerous emails and texts of positive affirmation.
Her new job comes with a HUGE sacrifice on my end. Not only do I have to do school pickups for our four kids, I had to forgo my remote days (2x a week), so I can depart an hour or so earlier to be the one to pick them up every day. Now I also have the sole responsibility to bring them to appointments.
Now, here’s what falls on my plate:
- Morning school prep (Make Breakfast, Lunches)
- Pickups
- if children are sick, I have to be the one to work from home/PTO
- Dinner, given she will just be getting done at work
- Homework supervision
- Bedtime routines
- Cleaning
On top of this, she wants more things off of her plate, like playdate organization and activity planning.
I’m super hurt by this. And she thinks I’m not supportive of the job change for her. What she doesn’t realize is that my anxiety is through the roof of managing even more things while being the primary breadwinner.
It’s so unfair.
She gets complimented for everything she does. No one ever thanked me for my time at work, usually just a brief “see ya”.
She gets less and less on her plate, pretty much by brute force. “About time, husbands don’t realize how good they have it.”
She gets everything she wants. Time, space, possessions. She’s the gatekeeper of our intimacy and doesn’t desire me.
I’m always concerned for her, and compliment and reassure her of any insecurities. She will not even flinch if I have an anxiety attack.
I just want to scream.
My little brother's wife had little interest in raising kids so it all fell on him. Without him, there may have never been love felt by his child. Her only interest was her career and living the high life. Having kids requires so much sacrifice which can make it very challenging when only one parent accepts the sacrifices. But he's reaped the rewards. His wife doesn't have much of a relationship with their child now that they're an adult. And she's kind of okay with that. Right now. The future has a way of biting us for the sacrifices we chose to pass on to others. I imagine as she ages, she'll have regrets that can't be walked back any more.
If you put in all the effort, the kids will remember. The future you're sacrificing for may bring greater value than what you sacrificed. She may even see and hear about all you do together as a family, minus her, and want to become more part of what she'll be missing.
None of that makes it easier now, and not having any free time to decompress really sucks. With all the micro time management you're going to be doing, hopefully you can find time for yourself to fill your wants and needs.
If your spouse doesn't appreciate you or consider your needs, that's another issue to find a solution for that kids certainly complicate. Relationship issues are tough to work through and if either or both people don't look at themselves in a mirror it can be insurmountable for the time. Then your choice becomes going into a holding pattern or finding someone else who can fill your needs you spouse won't fill, or last; walking away which won't make anything easier even if it can solve a problem