Off My Chest

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Want the freedom to be able to die (lemm.ee)

submitted 3 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/goodoffmychest

9 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Posting from a throwaway. [TW contains a little bit of internalised ableism and touches on Suicide and Firearms]

I’m heavily disabled. Like can’t move or get out of bed type disabled. And sometimes lose the ability to communicate.

Anyways most of the time I’m happy to be alive. But the fact I couldn’t kill myself if I wanted to really makes me feel trapped. I take medicines given in a daily pill box, I’m IV fed water and food, and I can’t get out of my bed. There is literally no way for me to end it.

All I’m doing is laying here draining my family’s resources. I love learning, and most of the time that’s enough. But when the pain get’s really bad, or my disease starts to progress or worsen. I just want it to end. And not even having that option, or being able to communicate it, is terrifying. Like I could be stuck in an endless cycle of pain and suffering and not be able to let go even if I wanted it.

At the same time, in better periods I’m glad I’m alive. And if I did have a gun on my bedside table, I can remember more than a dozen moments I’d already have ended it. It’s like I only need to feel suicidal 1% of the time for my life to end if I have access to a weapon, so the other 99% feels glad that I don’t.

I don’t know what I want from this post. But I guess this is my message in a bottle. I needed to get this out there and throw it away.

If you’re here, thanks for reading. I hope your day went well. Peace.

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[–] jaggedrobotpubes 2 points 3 weeks ago

Yeah when your situation undeniably implies a reality that's darker and shittier than they have the balls to acknowledge, they wince instead of seeing it and do something reflexive.

Maybe the kindest interpretation is they saw as much of your situation as they had the strength for, and then they had to push it away.

❤️❤️

For what it's worth, Thich Nhat Hahn has some lectures on YouTube and if all you did for the next 50 years was practice what he teaches, you wouldn't run out of stuff to do. Good option to know about, at least.