this post was submitted on 22 Sep 2024

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rejection anxiety and real pain (self.adhd)

submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by Mighty to c/adhd

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Hey there. I am incredibly sad, downright depressed and mentally exhausted.

I wanted to celebrate my birthday yesterday for the first time (maybe ever?) with lots of nice people. I invited about 30-50 people. Some, I invited personally, some just casually through groups. Lots of those people I thought of as somehow close and friendly.

I exhausted myself in the effort of preparing the party, I rented a room, I prepared photos, activities, food, music, and just put a lot of mental energy into the planning. I have been planning it for about 2 months, invited those who were most important to me back then even.

5 people showed up.

I am devastated. I was always so anxious about my birthday and never celebrated it. I think I removed myself from groups a lot in my life. And only the last two years, I've started to understand my diagnosis and how to communicate with people. This throws all my anxiety and pain back into my body and brain.

I don't know how to deal with it. Especially I don't know how to interact with the people that were important to me and who didn't show (or those who didn't even cancel). My past behaviour was burning down all the bridges. I don't think I should do that. But I also don't know how to pretend like it doesn't hurt....

Any advice about rejection anxiety and ... well, real rejection?

Thank you.

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[–] Mighty 2 points 1 month ago (2 children)

I didn't ever have close friends. There's never been anyone. I go to parties by myself. I turned 40. There's not much cool to my life. This was my first attempt in long time to not be by myself. I cannot scale back. The 5 people who showed up where my partner with her partner, my former partner, one guy from my dance group (where I invited a lot of people), and a friend who I don't see as much who's 20 years older than me. I cannot scale back.

[–] Thrillhouse 6 points 1 month ago (1 children)

It sounds like you might not know the people who bailed enough to invest that much emotionally into them.

If you thought you did and now you’re not sure then it sounds like you can now have some clarity that they might not be as close to you as you feel to them. Time to pause and question why you’re putting emotional energy into people who aren’t invested.

I’ve been working on this a lot myself. I kind of realized that I was investing a lot of time and energy into friends who live a 5 hour drive away and it’s really convenient for them to have me always drive there. On the flip side none of them have ever made the drive to come visit me. So instead of rearranging my whole life to make a weekend work with them and expending great energy and effort to do so, I started bowing out more often. It’s been better for my peace. Love my friends but I don’t have to run myself ragged visiting all the time because they certainly aren’t doing that.

I put together a huge birthday party for my sister including this whole group. My birthday came around? No one did anything for me and they were all busy, even my sister. That’s fine, it’s telling me I don’t need to make the effort in the future.

[–] Mighty 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

So what happens then? You don't put in the effort and then what?

I can just accept this. None of these people live far out, I even have to work with some and see some of them weekly in a common space. So I can accept that I'm not the priority and then what...? Then I accept my loneliness and try to convince myself that it's better that way? Feels like that's what I've been doing the past 25 years and it's gotten me nowhere.

I need to somehow make connections to people and they don't all have to be super invested. I don't think I invested emotional energy into the people specifically, but more into the planning and the group...

[–] Thrillhouse 4 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I don’t put in effort to the extent that it bothers me about it. If it’s convenient sure. If not oh well next time.

One of our friends used to get all bent out of shape because she would prepare all of this food for a party and no one would eat it. I was like girl, stop preparing food then if it’s making you upset. If people get hungry we’ll order pizza.

Sometimes the things you think people will be into are not the things people want to do.

Scale back. Neuroboring people don’t put as much effort into coworkers and social connections as much as I think ADHD brains do because I don’t think they think about it that hard. I learned this when I invited coworkers to my wedding and 2 showed up for like an hour - and I’m pretty sure one of them dragged the other.

People with kids are super flaky too.

I’m just saying yeah you aren’t the priority to these people. Find people who will make you the priority. Keep looking. These connections happen slowly and change over time.

[–] Mighty 2 points 1 month ago

Thanks. I'm not sure what to say. It's the last sentence that gets me. I cannot hold these connections seemingly. I don't have the social stamina to keep in touch with people. And if I scale back my efforts, I don't think I will form any connections at all.

But I appreciate you taking the time to write to me.

[–] RBWells 1 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

It is kind of tough to make friends as an adult. My kids tease me that I have a husband and relatives and coworkers but not friends. That's not quite true, I keep up with one former coworker by text and occasional visit, and a couple of coworkers are friends, like we go to concerts together, they come for Thanksgiving. But really, two "sticky" people in so many years and one of them is just really good at making friends, that's not me, he collects people. I do have an enormous family though, and only so much bandwidth.

Are you lonely in fact, or just feel some sort of pressure to have a large group of friends? To me it sounds exhausting, I am happy with having a very small set. Friends who come from former lovers are real friends, I don't think you need to qualify that. If you feel understimulated but not lonely, just saying yes to things and extending some offers works pretty well. 5 people is a good gathering as long as it's what you were expecting, though I do think 30 would have been fun in a different way (we have a massive chaotic Thanksgiving here and I love it) and understand that's disappointing.

I think we each have some limited capacity for close relationships, I really had only one close friend from middle school and one more from high school, and now a husband, my attention seems to be good for one close relationship only and I'm ok with it.

ETA: the one event I can reliably get coworkers to is a happy hour after work on a Friday. My house is near the office so we have had them here, I can even get them to invite their spouses and girlfriend/boyfriend/close friend to those. Partly because I make absolutely delicious drinks and they know that, but also the convenience.