Drivebyhaiku

I feel for both you and your friend. Over the last while with trans stuff being in the news so much it does feel like being constantly under fire with a lot of hope for things getting better like they were even five years ago going by the wayside. I have a friend who has struggled with BPD on top of being trans and it has been kind of hard telling her that she actually is being a little too sensitive and assuming way more hostility than she's actually receiving from people in her life by "mind reading" intentions that are not there.

As one of the few other trans people in her life it's really hard being her reality check. When we queer folk have community we do a better job of keeping each other grounded and advocating for the general intentions of cis family, friends and romantic partners and give them grace to be imperfect allies. We can acknowledge when things suck because of a lack of understanding or because someone is still hurting us despite not wanting to... But that's not always based out of transphobia. The world is imperfect and sometimes that means we don't always have our cake and eat it too.

... But you still charge everybody into debt bondage for saving their lives. Here I do not pay for health insurance and have never walked out of the ER with a bill. I legitimately fear my American friends getting hurt in a way that simply does not apply to my domestic friends because I know that their lives won't be impacted financially long term. From what I have gathered from information about their wait times for surgery there isn't that much difference except for joint and mobility related stuff and even then it's not that far off.

The fact that employers are allowed to control what healthcare you receive and coerce you into staying with them or else you enter a dicey period where you have to cover you or your family yourself in any way just seems fucking exploitative and bonkers from a Canadian perspective.

It may seem like a pedantic difference but you are missing a key part of what's going on here. Nobody is challenging that gender dysphoria is a bad thing to experience... This policy is saying it's kosher to proclaim "transness is a mental illness" which means in effect that encompasses gender euphoria and all expressions of gender incongruity as symptoms of a mental illness. It's a subtle linguistic difference but one makes it possible to publicly derride trans people as being delusional or harmful to people around them or dangers to themselves and push for "curing" all transness by approaching being trans as a failure state.

The whole thing with trans health is that being trans is not considered a mental illness but gender dysphoria still has a diagnostic rubric and has health problems associated. So saying trans people who have transitioned aren't sick anymore isn't quite accurate because they were never considered sick in the first place. One of the ideas behind this way of thinking is a trans person's issues aren't caused because they are trans, it's caused largely due to the lack of acceptance and support in the society around trans people. Framing transness as a mental illness also ignores the flipside of dysphoria - gender euphoria which is a very specific joy experienced by trans people expressing themselves healthily, it's not simply from lessening pain around dysphoria, it's basically something mostly unique to the trans experience that is overwhelmingly positive.

Also there's not a one size fits all response to dysphoria. Some chose to physically transition and others choose to use other management techniques to help. There isn't a "cure" to gender dysphoria. There are limits to what can be achieved through physical transition even if one goes all the way. One can have dysphoria around stuff like not having periods and child bearing capabilities even if they are fully transitioned or there are things that are irreversible if the transition happens too late. Being trans can be a kind of complicated state of being where one needs to learn and implement how best to be supported. Framing it not as an illness removes the stigma of looking at the experience entirely clinically as something to be solved. The fix isn't to be "less trans" as it is when one approaches something as a disorder to be removed and minimized.

Regardless of how much misery it might cause the parents to relinquish the baby in a humane way, it's still on them to do so. I'm running out of ways to say this. You all are wild.

You are talking about a group of people who are angry at the state for ruining their lives by becoming parents not as a matter of choice but under duress. Abortion having legal consequences and surrender oftentimes saddling these unwilling people with lifelong consequences due to the means of tracking and investigation available there isn't really an "out" here. So these dumpster kids to their parents at birth become incredibly personal symbols of oppression, pain, removal of autonomy and one's own life losing value. It's very difficult to ask someone to value a life when they feel their own lives have lost value. Accepting a harder but more moral path is more likely to be followed through when you feel like you have something worth losing. The discarding of life can be seen as a form of reciprocated violence by individuals who feel like they themselves were discarded.

It may even be instinctually sourced. A lot of mammals placed in a position of extreme stress will kill their young. From what we've witnessed throughout history Humans are no exception.

If you got a foot fetish sure. But in bible foot or feet is used so many times for dick it is decently unlikely. "Foot water" is my favorite biblical euphemism for piss.

I recognize that speech is never free when the place it is conducted is owned by shareholders.

It may sound odd but this could actually be a sea change moment for a lot of people. Having been stuck around far right coworkers enough a lot of them have hung their hats on the whole "free speech" lynchpin. That's the thing they condemn leftist spaces for doing, that's the hill thwy will die on. Their sycophantic love of Musk is bound up in the idea that he's some kind of champion of free speech. This likely is the rude shock some of them might need to realize that was never true.

Is it going to get them to revisit their whole worldview? Probably not. But it's a crack in the facade.

If you like that then you might enjoy the funny possible euphemism of the whole "washing of feet" thing. It could be read as the actual act of washing feet but there's some places where it's definitely being used as a euphemism for getting your dick wet.

That slight ambiguity could mean that the last supper included an orgy with a lot of same sex pairings - which to be fair is pretty in keeping with the MO of a lot of other cult leadership throughout history. Most of the prudish sex negative stuff comes more from Paul's additions than directly through Jesus. But hoo boy do Christians get real mad when you imply this as a possibility.

For me I had to make a value judgement in regards to transition because my partner's got phenotype preferences that don't match where I would like to go and ultimately I had to break ot down as to whether keeping him as my romantic partner or transition would bring me more net happiness and chose my partner. It's still a struggle because all that dysphoria doesn't go away I just have to feed it different things to placate it enough to function.

I have a weird relationship with a lot of photos of myself pre social transition. Any photos of weddings or big family events where a dress code prompted me through soft pressure to try and "clean up" is sort of just interpreted as me being in drag but I never look happy in them. My Mom ended up taking down a bunch of family photos where I am so dressed because she started interpreting me as having "dead eyes" in them and they make her feel weird.

I can't really erase all existence of my past self as I feel that's kind of unfair to the other folk who were there with me at the time but we've definitely had conversations of "hey, using my old name and pronoun set to describe past me isn't cool, please don't." but stories where the tale's context involves me being interpreted as my birth sex by other people still feel bad. It doesn't feel like a clean chapter break. It feels messy and threaded with compromise like I made some kind of fairy bargain- rewarding true love in exchange for staying the frog and never becoming the prince but I make it work. At my worst I feel like I stuck in the middle of a story. If my partner ever dies or leaves me then there's a whole heartbroken third act that could kick off but as is I feel like I would still take a bullet for him any day of the week so this could just be the end of the tale. My relationship with act one is as compassionate to all involved as I can make it. It happened. It sucked. If I could go back and do it all over again from scratch I would have to know for certain that I would end up exactly back where I am now to not make different choices and as precarious as that is it's enough.

Honestly there's not really a way to know short of them telling you. There's a difference from folk just not liking the gender box people put them in and rejecting all the cultural trappings of gender (being a tomboy or a femboy) from them being trans. Transness goes a little further than just cultural markers, it's a reaction to one's body. Oftentimes that struggle on the outside just shows up as them not flourishing... And sometimes you don't recognize what them actually flourishing actually looks like because they never did until after they changed.

I grew up in the 90's and from sheer lack of exposure just didn't have words for what I was going through. I was aided by being fairly androgynous but really didn't talk to anyone about how good it felt to be read by strangers on occasion as my gender. I relied on gender neutral nicknames. I starved myself or overexercised to stay lean at points to keep myself from putting on weight that would go to areas that would outwardly show my body through clothes and avoided mirrors while naked but none of that clicked as me being trans until when I was 21 and living abroad in Japan where basically everybody read me as being what I was, either assuming me as a trans man or reading me as a cis man. None of this really caused me to self reflect until I was near the end of my visa and realized that going back to all my friends and family whom I loved dearly was a double edged sword. I would be locked back in to where people would enforcing my gender, lightly mind you. They weren't trying to force me to act any way at all but there was a gentle tyranny just by them correcting people who "got it wrong" or using my name or by men I saw as friends and peers treating me as a delightful oddity like I was some sort of ideal romantic though not nessisarily sexual conquest because I liked hobbies and masculine dominated spaces that few women participated in which in modern context would probably outwardly make me appear as some kind of "pick me". This realization that I didn't want to go back cascaded into me crashing hard up against all the novel fantasies I had neen distracting myself with that I would somehow go through some kind of magical event and instantly change body type and all my friends would just have to except me because "oh well magic..." I never believed this would actually happen mind, I wasn't delusional but I would amuse myself while walking around with these little daydreams. All at once though I realized that that was never going to happen. I was gunna be in this form until I died and I broke into a full on dispair. I didn't even know trans men existed and my only experience with trans women was representation where they were ridiculed. I backwards engineered that trans men must exist because that was the only thing that made any sense.

I stuffed it all under my hat for another 10 years, growing more distant with old friends and not making new friends. I read a bunch of feminism and chased out my internalized misogyny thinking that was the problem. It muddied the waters awhile but I couldn't shake that no matter how I told myself that being a woman and being a man were value neutral it didn't shake my feelings like I was playing out Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis and all people saw was the roach. I tried non-binary pronouns and a name change more or less as proof to myself that I was okay without and discovered the opposite.

My mom took me coming out hard only in the way that she felt she should of seen it sooner and it threw into sharp relief all those times where she'd tried to pressure me in little ways to be more fem. I don't begrudge her any of that. She says it should have been obvious but really no. If I had known that there were options I could have asked instead of hurting myself the way I did and struggling with the isolation then I might have. But I lived in a conservative town where just growing up in an agnostic household had seen me get literally have neighbor kids throw rocks at me growing up. Even if knew my friends and family were cool, there were medical options that would reduce all the regrets that I have now I might have buried and denied my needs anyway. My family had kept me alive by being awesome in other ways and I always knew that me dying would have destroyed them... And that's really all you can do. Let your kid know they are loved regardless of anything and let them sort themselves out. No need to brace and seek the signs one of them potentially trans, just let them know that you love them and if they are then you will still love them and want to do right by them.