I recognized the "not a butt plug", it's a Hawaiian poi pounder. Worth $1800 to $2200 if anyone's curious.
Atrabiliousaurus
Submission by rear naked smooch.
"Do you see the perpetrator?" "Yeah, I'm right here."
That's way too coherent, I'm thinking it'd be more like this but more discordant and interminably longer.
With sound, everybody can choose an instrument and place a note on an orchestral score and OH THE CACOPHONY! MAKE IT STOP!
A lot of fruits are closely related, like, oranges are actually a hybrid of mandarins and pomelos, so maybe explore a few fruits from different types. If you like nectarines maybe you'll like peaches and apricots. Raspberries/blackberries etc.
Not sure where you live but there are some great tropical fruits, pineapples, passion fruit, lychees, mangosteen, star fruit. I'm biased towards lychee cause we have like 20 trees and they're tasty.
I'd just find a good grocery store produce section and check out different fruits, go by smell, maybe ask if they'll let you sample some. Sounds weird but I worked in a Safeway produce section for a while and the managers encouraged us to cut samples for people.
You're a good writer, I read that 3 times. Very evocative, well-paced, humorous.
Interestingly, Jesus probably heard about this disaster. Woulda been a current event for him.
Huh, works for me rn. The sordid tale of Kentuckians with an unidentified artifact of unknown origin made of volcanic stone, its purpose shrouded in mystery. Is it a pestle or something far more sinister? Perhaps some kind of pestle for pounding taro root into a glutinous paste?!