this post was submitted on 22 Oct 2023
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The Monkey's Paw

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Want to make a wish? Just ask the Monkey’s Paw! No strings attached.*

Just create a post that starts with “I wish ___”. Other users will then grant you the wish, and probably not how you intended.

^(*)^ ^Strings^ ^definitely^ ^attached.^ ^Satisfaction^ ^not^ ^guaranteed.^ ^Wish^ ^will^ ^likely^ ^backfire.^

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[–] [email protected] 14 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Very well... But they're all only half-popped and have rock hard kernels.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 11 months ago

And if you eat any, they will give you those "popcorn splinters" between your gums and teeth

[–] [email protected] 0 points 11 months ago

I love the half popped ones. I’ve debated trying to figure out if I can make only half-popped kernels with a sous vide.

[–] DocMcStuffin 12 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

Granted. You feel something on the palms of your hands. You look at them and see small golden brown blisters that are growing. They continue to grow until they reach the size of a popcorn kernel. At which point they pop into popcorn. It's the the most delicious buttery popcorn you've ever had. But the blisters don't stop appearing, and now they're starting to get painful.

[–] voodooattack 4 points 11 months ago

You monster. I hate that I love this.

[–] MisterNeon 7 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Granted. You're given a bag of popcorn kernels. It's not microwavable.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 11 months ago (2 children)

It's actually pretty easy to pop those. You just need some oil and salt and voila! Homemade Popcorn

[–] MisterNeon 3 points 11 months ago

Oh yeah I do it all the time. It's a low pendulum swing on this wish, they didn't ask for anything large or vague.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago

They didn't wish for a heat source.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Granted. Corn stalks begin violently bursting from your father's mouth. His hand reaches out as you back away. He falls to the ground, endless corn kernels pouring from his open mouth.

"Pop?" You whisper through the tears.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago

Oh man so underated!

[–] Inucune 3 points 11 months ago

Popcorn field caught in wildfire causes chaos in local community.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 11 months ago

Granted. I hope you like your new braces. They are permanent.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago

Granted. The corn was contaminated while in storage, and now you have dysentery.