Autism

I somewhere along the way I came to identify as a ‘music scene’ person and do genuinely like live music during the part where the music envelopes me and makes it impossible to perceive the “noisy bar” surroundings. I’ve also always used substances as coping mechanisms - constantly drinking, immediately running out for cigarettes between sets to avoid awkward, unintelligible conversation. Now that I’ve learned how my brain works, I’ve started the “unmasking process” and am realizing that I actually feel so mentally exhausted after a night out at a bar and so drained by hanging out with drunk people who make no sense to me. I started not drinking and asking myself during and after events: am I having fun if I separate my experience from the way people around me seem to feel? Is this something I’m genuinely enjoying on the whole? I haven’t been back to a bar since and am still trying to figure out how to go enjoy live music without needing to drink or being overwhelmed by the social / sensory surroundings in between sets.

Find new friends

edit: added better paragraph breaks

Tips:

-Bring ear plugs with you. Try a few kinds to figure out which work best for you. Put them in before things get loud or overwhelming, and take them out after you've left the noisy space. You can get concert ear plugs that still allow you to hear conversation but cut some unnecessary background noise. Shooting ear plugs turn down the volume even more than that.

-If the lights indoors bother you, wear a hat or sunglasses if socially appropriate. Or be a weirdo and wear these things even if it's not socially appropriate.

-Arrange separate transportation home, and give yourself permission to leave early. If you are no longer having a good time, say goodbye to your friends and leave.

-Give yourself breaks. E.g. : Go to the bathroom. I think you commented that you don't smoke, but you can still try just stepping outside to take a moment. If your friends are cool with you being a little bit different, they won't mind you going outside for a bit of quiet. Smokers outside, I imagine, would be understanding of you going outside just to get a moment of peace and quiet, since smokers will often take smoke breaks for the peace in addition to the nicotine.

-During your breaks, check how you are doing. Evaluate yourself for signs of stress. Are you having a good time? Would you prefer to be at home? Are you getting the good parts of socializing still? Do you have enough energy in reserve to get yourself safely home, and do whatever you need to do to set yourself up for success the following day? If you are overwhelmed, or on the verge of expending too much energy, make a plan to go home- for example paying your tab, saying goodbye to your friends, and accessing transportation.

-Before you go, make a plan for when you will leave, in terms of time and energy expenditure. I assume you get enough positive social time with your friends to make hanging out with them in a loud place worth it- for a while. Since your friends like bars/pubs, I assume they have a higher tolerance for loud, stimulating spaces. Don't try to compete with their stamina! Go based on benchmarks that work for you. Become aware of signs of stress and sensory overwhelm for you. Since loud and overstimulating spaces are inherently overwhelming (for us), you will likely be experiencing some stress from the start. So, you want to look for the point where you are stressed, but not so stressed that you are having a horrible time, and leave before the deep overwhelm sets in. Make this plan beforehand, e.g. " I will leave at (certain time), or when I get a mild headache, or when I'm no longer having fun, whichever comes first." Since you will have a plan beforehand, it will be easier for you to take your exit at a point that is good for you, rather than being overwhelmed, shutting down, and staying until your friends leave (which would result in you having a good time until you get overwhelmed, and then having a bad time for the remainder of the time.)

-When planning whether or not to attend a social outing, check your calendar first. Evaluate whether or not to attend not only on whether or not you have the time, but on whether or not you are likely to have the energy. For example, it might help to try to arrange your schedule so that you have a less intense workload on a day of the week when your friends regularly hang out. If you have a lot of tasks in a day that will be overwhelming, you might plan to leave the social situation earlier since your social battery may be lower. Or, if you are so overwhelmed that you will not enjoy being in a bar/pub even with your friends and self-administered accommodations, you can choose not to attend.

-Be aware of peer pressure. If your friends pressure you to do something you don't want to do, like stay out when you want to leave, make a joke and then do what you want anyways. Socialize based on meeting your social needs. Don't stay in situations where you are uncomfortable and gaining no benefit from being there. Good friends will respect your boundaries.

-When you return home from socializing, do activities to help you recover from the stimulating environment and social situations. You can think of it like an athlete who needs to hydrate, eat, and rest after working out in order to maintain the benefits of the workout. Socializing takes energy, and so does dealing with a stimulating environment. If you can, set yourself up for success in transitioning from social time back into your regular life by doing things that will help you maintain your energy throughout the week. Examples: Drink water or have your favorite hydrating drink ready in the fridge, have clothes laid out for the next day so you don't need to do it late at night and can sleep in later, wear noise canceling headphones in your home to help you recover from the noise, even if your home is already quiet, have an easy snack available when you get home, and arrange to have all high priority tasks for the day finished before you go out to socialize, so you don't need to do any mental heavy-lifting or planning before you go to sleep.

-Another possibility is to look for activities or events that you'd like to do with your friends, and ask them if they'd like to go with you. You can intentionally choose activities and places that are less overwhelming. If they want to do these things with you, great! And if they don't want to, that's fine too. The point isn't to immediately make a large change in their behavior, it's to see if they're interested, and take the pathway if it appears.

-Another thing you can do is gradually seek different friends, spaces, and communities that are a good fit for you. You don't need to drop your existing friend group to do this. You can just go out and do other activities on your own and see if you connect with the people there. You might find it's easier to socialize with people when you're in an environment that's not loud, crowded, and overwhelming. And, since you already have a friend group you can fall back on, you don't need to feel desperate when talking to others/ seeking connection, as that can be a turn off. Over time, you may be able to build different circles of friends with different interests and social activities, so when you want social time you can choose which group of people and activities to turn to. By keeping yourself spending time with each group at least occasionally, you can maintain the social connections and stay friends. People have busy lives, so you don't need be pressured to hang out with your friends each time they hang out. Center your social life around your legitimate needs, not around the social life society thinks you should perform.

tldr: Ear plugs, hat/sunglasses for sensory needs, take breaks, evaluate your overwhelm level throughout the evening, plan when to leave ahead of time depending of overwhelm level, leave before you are having a bad time. Recognize that your social battery and ability to deal with overwhelming surroundings vary based on other circumstances in your life; factor these things in when you make social plans. Be aware of peer pressure- humor is a good way to deflect it while still staying friendly, and good friends will respect your boundaries. Plan recovery time and activities after socializing and being in stimulating circumstances. Suggest sensory friendly activities to your friends, but no need to panic if they don't want to do those things. Try finding sensory friendly activities and friends in addition to your existing friends and activities. Socialize based on meeting your actual social needs (not the social needs society expects you to have) and maintain social connection in groups you want to stay with.

Good luck!

If you don't like doing it don't go. I used to drink, too much, so once I quit I had no interest in going to these loud depressing places. They're too much, I can't handle them sober, so I don't go and I'm better for it.

I have a fidget spinner ring that's kinda discreet so I can stim. Maybe you can get some loop earplugs to dampen the noise. I also used to bring this tincture and put a few droppers full into water and drink that. Kava is in it and that specifically can soothe your nerves and is known to help people loosen up/be more sociable, but you don't get drunk or high, it's just an herbal tincture. Its a very...strong taste though lol. Or maybe, it could help if you could find a bar arcade, play pool, or do some kind of activity while out with them at the bar. being able to focus on a game or task might help everything else to feel less intense.

Also, there is nothing wrong with just going for a short time and leaving when you know you're at your max!

It helps if you can find a place that has the least negatives, like maybe it has some seats that are usually free and not too close to the music, or a place that has some noise absorbant wall coverings. Maybe if you can do some scouting or ask friends for help selecting a place?

Don't go to the pub 🤷‍♂️

Get some "calmer" ear plugs to help with the treble sounds.

A drink or two usually helps me. I don’t really drink except socially so I’m enough of a lightweight haha. I do smoke tho which helps me tremendously. A plus is that you can always tell your friends you’re stepping out for a quick smoke and no one will think anything of it, in fact one or two might join you outside for some “fresh air” which is a nice change of pace.

Uhh you can also suggest a pregame at your place or a friends’. About half the pregames I’ve had just turn into a kickback at home naturally and it’s also way way cheaper lol.

Exposure therapy is also kind of useful in this case. If you’re more familiar with a few songs you can bop along. I think people tend to focus more on the basslines at the club rather than the music, so that could be something to try.

I hope you are able to start making bars a more positive experience! I really don’t like clubbing either but it can be fun once in a while. Good luck!

Drugs /s

Kidding but sober I can't really stand it for too long if it's loud and crowded, no matter how. I would suggest finding different friends, but I understand that this might be too extreme.

Well, one solution seems fairly obvious. Have a drink or two to lower inhibitions and loosen up but be careful with that one. Super easy to overdo it.

What about having a get together someplace more private? Your place or a friend's.

I'm with you tho, bars suck.

Try darts or pool on your own for a bit

Suggest something you like before they get a chance to decide to go to a bar. e.g. "Let's hangout at (place) and do (activity)." My friends liked BBQs. We'd BBQed at my parent's place or at one of theirs. Other things: board games/tabletop games, LAN party, hanging out at a park or beach.

But yeah, I get you. tbh, I just didn't go to bars, but they still did enough non-bar things that they considered me part of their group and invited me to the other things.

Yeah, I haven't been to a bar/pub in about 20 years. People eventually stopped inviting me, because I would just be super-glued to the 1~2 people I actually knew to limit sensory stuff and (often embarrassing) social interactions.

Either that, or I'd be hanging-out in the darkest corner closest to the exit, and invariably, someone would ask if I wanted to dance.

. .. ...

Yeah, I never understood why, either...lol

I would laugh out loud and snidely ask "Seriously!? You see where I'm sitting...oh yeah, I'm just RARING to 'get jiggy wit it'!" (it was the early 2000's lol)

This all took place MANY years before I knew that I'm autistic.

Get yourself some headphones. They'll help you avoid the noise of the bar a little, plus you can put your own music if you don't like the bar's.

I smoked/vaped for a long time just for this reason. It's a great way to put a little distance between you and the environment.

I'm not suggesting you do this, but I am a bit older now so I don't know how much the ice breaker activities have changed. Perhaps there are other less harmful options? Even if not, you can pal around at a safe distance.

A gigantic point of assistance is having someone who can help you as a sort of social ambassador. Having someone around who understands but is better equipped to help is a godsend.

Personally, I like getting together at someone's house, play some games, have some music (more as background noise most of the time) and maybe some drinks, though I prefer to stay sober and able to think straight.
I usually decline going to a bar, unless it's some special occasion, and then I'm mostly glued to some wall near my group while trying to maintain some form of overview of the situation.