The Onion

CLEVELAND—Debuting what the company described as a completely-new way to enjoy the brand’s signature boxed dinners, packaged food product mainstay Hamburger Helper unveiled a line of erotic casseroles Thursday that is intended to be eaten off naked bodies. “No date night would be complete without Hamburger Helper’s new sensual, savory blend of powdered cheese and spices, specially formulated to be licked clean from your partner’s chest, thighs, or…anywhere your desires may take you,” read a press release from parent company Eagle Foods, which went on to state that in only 30 minutes, consumers would be lying down for an intimate meal of elbow macaroni, ground beef, and rehydrated onions ladled over their lover “from head to toe.” “While Hamburger Helper remains America’s favorite no-fuss, one-pan dinner for the whole family, the all-new Hamburger Helper Pure Ecstasy is meant to be enjoyed by consenting adults 18 or older. These steamy, sizzling-hot casserole blends come in classic flavors like Deluxe Beef Stroganoff, Cheesy Italian Shells, and Cheesy Ranch Burger, but with seductive new pasta shapes chosen with the sexy curves of the human form in mind. Plus, no dishes to clean afterward—only sheets.” The press release confirmed the erotic casserole’s box would include step-by-step instructions on how to blindfold one’s partner and titillatingly dribble hot grease on their chest.