Autism

It's not the easiest solution, but I have a prescription for a small amount of diazepam to use as needed to "abort" meltdowns, although it's officially for "panic attacks". Obviously that requires the insight to see them coming which isn't always possible.

You might consider avoiding the situation entirely, at least while they're still too young to understand how to accommodate people. Was there some particular reason your outing needed to be in a space where supervision needed to be constantly immediate? Consider the park, a playground, somewhere w little rough and tumble is expected where you can withdraw into your mind a bit as necessary, where the only source of light is the sun, and sounds don't echo off walls and stuff. A nice open space where you can sit, and they can run.

That you're suffering is a sad thing. That you're looking for the solution is commendable. You good people, fellow dad.

Unfortunately, I can't provide any lasting and good solution, since I have been experiencing meltdowns so powerful, that it almost ended bad for my kid. Almost. No way to solve, no way to avoid that will work 100% on the spot.

Instead I practice daily meditation, usually prior to going to sleep, and the one I'm using makes me less stressed out the next day. It takes a strong mix of problems for me (exhaustion, stress, hunger, bad weather conditions, fear and more) to get close to explosion.

In addition, I'm trying to avoid self-flaggelation with times I screwed up. I'm a parent. I'm struggling for her. I fail. I fail her miserably. But I get up and try again to do things right this time, knowing that when I failed the last time it wasn't my choice to be a bad parent.

It helps. Not much, but it helps.

Goodluck out there and never give up.

I am suffering mightily right now myself. I am about to go on short term disability and choking back a full on meltdown. Hang in there brother.

I'm a few years past the situation you find yourself in. You should have a talk with your kids and explain your sensory issues. They can probably be more accommodating than you think if they know what's going on with you. You don't have to be super man to be a great dad, and the only thing hiding your issues will do for them is make them ashamed about their own when they develop. And everyone developes some issues at some point. That's about all I can say for the in the moment issue.

Except... have you stopped caffeine? Are you getting enough sleep, or at least high quality sleep? Do you have unaddressed allergies? Do you eat food that doesn't agree with you? Are you getting regular bereif but intense exercise to burn off stress hormones? Sock seams that bug you, but only when you're in a bad mood? My point is the more stressors you can remove, the more you'll be able to take without it being a problem.

Think of it like a bucket you're carrying around. All the irritations pour in some water, and you probably don't notice until it's just about full. Then it sloshes out and you have a problem. The good news is your bucket is probably way bigger than you thought, but you have to empty out the things you can control so you can accommodate the things you can't.

And your kids will get older and easier to deal with, and you'll continue to get better at parenting, and it'll all be way easier. I know how overwhelming it can feel, but you can almost definitely get some improvement in the short term by meeting your own needs better, and in the long term it will tend to get better on its own.

Our stories sound similar. Calm, relatively stable upbringing and then mostly self isolation leads to symptoms being unrecognised until children and other stresses build up and the symptoms are no longer under control.

The best suggestion I can give you is learn to accept your limitations (I'd say that to anyone, really). Managing two children is stressful for most people, for you even more so. That's a fact and it's OK. You get overwhelmed when there's too much going on. That's a fact and it's OK. Sometimes we aren't going to be able to cope in life. That's a fact and it's OK. So in this situation, you now know that you will find it too difficult to manage your kids where you are without support from your wife. That's a fact and it's OK.

Maybe you could arrange to take them somewhere else that has less sensory stimulation next time, or you agree with your wife that she has time to do things like shopping when you are at home with the kids. It's difficult to give suggestions without knowing where you were, but hopefully you get the idea.

Depending on how old your children are, speaking to them to ensure they know not to run away without you (and reinforcing the boundary when they do run away from you) can also help. (Most) Children like having responsibilities.

Mostly forgive yourself for not being able to cope in that situation. Modern life doesn't allow any parent to be perfect, but we can aim to be good enough and that's even more the case for neurodivergent parents. Give your kids a hug and tell them you love them then accept their love when they give it back. I definitely struggle with that but recognise how important it is.

It isn't a fix for everything but I find loop earplug really help reduce getting overstimulated by kids. You can still hear everything, just loud and high pitch noises are dulled enough that they aren't painful.