The Onion

We are also hustling to streamline and reduce redundancy in how Americans’ privacy is violated. Experian breaches, dark web data brokers, unregulated social media, Chinese PLA hacking? Who has time for it all? Now, we can get this done in one fell swoop by putting every US citizen’s Social Security number on a public Google Sheet administered by the nineteen-year-old who programmed Grok’s sense of humor.

Ugh. Isn't satire supposed to be different from reality?

Edit: picked my pull quote too soon:

I promise, America will soon be the Cybertruck of countries—uglier than you could have imagined, built for rich chuds, borderline inoperable, and on fire.

Those assholes are at NOAA now. People could die if they stop their tornado predictions

:sad reality sobs:

It’s been obvious for years that the US system was declining with great waste and sluggishness. For example, did you know that before DOGE came along, government spending was influenced by an ad hoc network of billionaires behind campaign contributions, dark money groups, and shadowy think tanks? It’s far more efficient to reduce redundancy by placing the entire US Treasury under the centralized control of just one billionaire private citizen (me).

Pretty sure this is literally what he's thinking.