/c/Vent: Vent about your life here

It sounds like your entourage is causing you suffering, it might be beneficial to distance yourself from them to some extent.

You don't need to share your hobbies and endeavors with said people, just do your thing and publish them using an anonymous persona online.

For example we would never have known that you were a person of color if it weren't for the fact that you mentioned it in this post.

If disconnecting your creations from yourself is the key to saving your sanity, then you should already have the means to do so:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pen_name

A pen name may be used to make the author's name more distinctive, to disguise the author's gender, to distance the author from their other works, to protect the author from retribution for their writings, to merge multiple persons into a single identifiable author, or for any of several reasons related to the marketing or aesthetic presentation of the work.

I've read your post a few times. The phrasing is a little confusing to me, but I think I get it.

First off, you're not alone in feeling this way. Maybe not the specifics, but I feel like the core stems from some sort of self-hate. If that's true, there are a LOT of people who feel this way and you may never know it.

Second, regarding the people who appear to be the source of your frustration, there are good people out there, but they're usually muted by the rest. It takes skill to see them, but once you do, you'll see that they were always there.

Finally, if you're really feeling like ending it all, find some help. Probably a therapist. If it doesn't work, find another. The good ones are out there, but they're usually all booked up. Maybe find one of your same race and gender because maybe they'll understand more deeply what you're experiencing.

First, I’m not a counselor but I highly recommend one. It is so useful to sort things out with someone. It sounds like you are conflicted between two bad options: conform to fit in, or be patronized. Those both suck and I can see why that can cause anguish.

Is there any way you can be around people that dont fit those two categories? Someone that you can relate to and feel more like yourself?

And some of what youre describing sounds similar to the Black exploitation in the film industry. People described their experience that they needed to act a certain way to “be Black” or they were not accepted. Just an idea, but could you put your art out there in a more anonymous way? The feedback you get might be more authentic, if that’s what you are looking for. Ideally you wouldnt need to do this, but unfortunately it is what some authors and artists have done to navigate the race-based treatment.

I hope the best for you. It’s a shit world sometimes.

Now that I think about it suicide is easier to consider since I won't be creating those things at all anyway. If I can distance myself from family enough to have my name on my death certificate that would be better.