Transfem

I entered the late egg phase about 3 years ago, had my "holy shit I'm trans" moment 1.5 years ago, came out 1 year ago, changed pronouns with people I know a few months after that, and started HRT (after the classic "am I trans enough to take HRT?") 8 months ago.

Early transition I was wondering if this was a mistake, because I didn't feel happy presenting as a woman, but that was just dysphoria. Now I feel that a lot less and I'm just happy and woman, but I can still get dragged into boymode by dysphoria. I'm closer to the woman I daydreamt of than I ever thought possible and I'm still becoming more like her every day.

I realized I was a woman and wanted to transition at the very end of 2014. I took beginning steps January of 2015, telling my therapist and getting a referral to a psych. I saw him like 2 or 3 weeks later and he diagnosed me with gender identity disorder and I got a referral to an endo. I started experimenting with names and pronouns in January/February. I think I told my closest family, my grandparents, in March or April. I saw the endo in the middle of May and he gave me prescriptions of Estradiol and Spironolactone which I started taking that day.

This was during an interesting time when the process was pretty streamlined and gatekeeping was relaxed a lot. It was worse before and has become worse since then. So, from realization to taking my first dose was a period of ~5 1/2 months. I had just turned 18. But I had had dysphoria since I was a very young child. I'd already been to the therapist for years. There was a long history of me having gender problems. No one ever told me I could transition, though, and I didn't know much if anything about trans people. I knew that trans women existed, but I did not know about or understand reassignment surgery or hormone replacement. When I discovered what HRT was I very badly wanted to be on it and did as much as I could to push for it.

I didn't go full time and come out at work until I had been on E for a couple years. It's normal to do it in stages. I even detransitioned briefly early on due to self-doubt. Stopped taking hormones and everything. It's okay to not immediately be 100% sure.

I realized I was actually trans in the summer of 2022, and I started on HRT in December 2022. I had to take a break from HRT tho because my sister needed a place to stay and I didn't want to have to hide things, and then of all the worst timing, I lost my job. Once I found a new job and stabilized my life again, I started back on HRT in June of 2023 and have been on it since (so 14 months).

My wife started using she/her pronouns for me right away (at home) and I came out to my friends in April, and finally my parents and mostly everyone else including work in July.

I started my transition as a minor, and unfortunately my parents were unsupportive of me getting HRT at the time, but I probably would have started it about 1 to 1.5 years in from my egg crack. I didn't get it until about 4 years in, and that's also when I decided to fully socially transition, because estrogen gave me a lot of confidence. I did partially social transition about 6 months after my egg crack, where I was only out to my family. I would be getting other things like hair removal and etc, but I can't afford them at the moment.

Also the day before my first appt for HRT, I was very nervous and somewhat doubtful, but I went in and I was so happy walking out of that appointment. Now if any doubts wiggle their way into my mind, I just remember how happy estrogen makes me, and how happy I was to get it.

My story so far...

For context, I finally came to understand that I'm trans in my late thirties. With the benefit of hindsight, I can clearly see that before then, I'd been an egg my whole life (although that wasn't obvious until several months into transitioning, after much reflection and remembering different long-forgotten things). Became aware of trans people in the authentic, non-stereotype sense somewhere around 2014, seriously wondered if I might be trans starting somewhere around 2019, but didn't manage to properly crack until September 2023. Highlights from that point on:

• Week 1: Soul-searching and binge-reading. Came out to two friends who happen to be trans, who helped me sort out what I was feeling and remove some doubts. They continued and continue to be a huge source of help.
• Week 2: Came out to parents and siblings. Started looking for a therapist.
• Week 3: Started ordering things online to experiment with and identify what would be euphoric (clothes, wig, jewelry, shaving equipment, etc.) to nail down what my gender even was. It quickly became clear that I am a lady.
• Week 4: Started therapy.
• Month 2: Tried breast forms, which immediately led to seeking a physician to pursue HRT. Couldn't decide what to do about hair and settled on doing nothing (i.e., not cut it, but not style it or anything either), which persists to the present day.

...

• Month 4: Started HRT. Began to gradually come out to friends one by one. Attempted a name change with immediate family, but it didn't stick. Tried pronoun change, but it was too awkward and confusing for me to have different pronouns in different contexts and with different groups, so I held off on it for the time being.
• Month 5: Tried makeup and determined it was way too much effort for my level of executive functioning at the time. At some point by this time I'd also dabbled in voice training and arrived at the same conclusion. Both situations persist to the present day. This was also around the time that I gave up on shaving body hair long-term due to the amount of effort and rapid regrowth, and resolved to shoot for permanent removal once I no longer had to be coy about it.
• Month 6: Started experimenting with name changes among friends in limited trial runs. At this time I also started occasionally requesting that friends use she/her in private, but not in public, also for limited trial runs.

...

• Month 9: Got really sick of coming out to people one by one and being secretive. I started making plans to come out at work so I could be fully out and update people with broader announcements instead. Started looking for a place to do laser hair removal and going back and forth with my insurance company over coverage. The latter situation persists to the present day (but I finally made a promising appointment just today! Things are looking up!).
• Month 10: Came out at work and in general. From this point on, consistently using proper pronouns everywhere except in legal contexts and a chosen name everywhere except work, legal contexts, and where impractical. Still haven't decided on a long-term name, but trying a few out.
• Month 11 (present day): Presenting authentically in public. Given the body hair, lack of makeup, being early in HRT, and the fact that I still haven't really figured out feminine clothes I'd be comfortable wearing in public (and therefore continue to mostly wear my old clothes), I probably don't read as feminine. Thanks to that and HRT having blessed my chest, I probably mostly give off "unkempt non-binary" vibes. But it still feels good to make no effort to disguise anything or worry about anyone noticing anything.

And that's about it to date.

Since you mention having doubts, I'll add that I find the most valuable thing you can do is experiment. Try things and see how they feel, even if you expect a certain outcome. For me, at least, some sources of dysphoria don't become apparent until I experience the euphoria from addressing them. Even when you do already know, it can help you become more confident or to prioritize things if you get a better idea of just how much they will affect you. So don't be afraid to get your feet wet. Fuck around and find out!

I guess I've been having thoughts of "if I was a girl..." or "if I was trans..." for as long as I can remember. Definitely had a few times of "please let me wake up as a girl tomorrow" when I was 12/13 or so, but I got quite good a suppressing that. The "if..." thoughts were fine, of course, since I clearly wasn't trans or a girl...

Fast forward to about six weeks before my 40th birthday; following quite a few trans women online and starting to question my gender. But since I'm perfectly happy being cis, that's fine, no problem. I'll be an Ally.

Two weeks or so pass, start looking at egg_irl. A day or two later, everything comes crashing down and it's panic time. That lasts a few days and now I know: I'm a trans girl, and I want to transition. Came out to my family, started growing my hair, painting my nails, buying neutral-to-fem clothes etc. Stopped wearing obviously masc-coded stuff pretty much right away (even when going out). Made appointments for laser and HRT consultation.

About six weeks later, research indicates the doctor is probably going to make me wait 6 months to a year for HRT, so I order DIY. That arrives two weeks later (yesterday), and here we are.

Not using new pronouns or name yet, but I feel that might happen fairly soon.

Entered late egg stage at 15 I kinda knew then, I repressed from 17 to 18+1/2, after that I started exploring my gender again (stuff like shaving leg, epilating, etc...) and eventually realised I wasn't living for myself but for others when I was 19 (2-3 months away from turning 20) and decided then and there that I would transition, I came out to my parents a month after and tried to get HRT immediately, at the same time I changed my pronouns and my name with them as well, it took me nearly five months to be able to start the treatment (had to store my sperm). I was 20 and now I'm 7months on HRT :)

I understand not feeling valid enough for HRT the best way I can put it is: put aside the validity of your trans identity, do you want all the effects of HRT despite the "downsides"? you don't have to be trans to get HRT.