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Relationship Advice

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I broke her heart and she didn't deserve it (self.relationship_advice)
submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by Repentant to c/relationship_advice
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Before I get into it, I apologise if this is the wrong instance for this post, I'm pretty new to Lemmy and I haven't managed to find something for break-ups.

For a bit of context, we met in February of this year on OK Cupid. We hit it off, chatted for a few weeks, then met up for a date. Things have been lovely with her. She is smart, funny, caring, compassionate, gentle, pretty, coquette, witty, and the list can go on. Bottom line, I really liked this girl and it wasn't at all hard to begin to fall in love with her right from the start.

I'm in my mid 30s, she's in her late 20s (6 year gap between us), we've had some minor moments of misunderstanding, we discussed things calmly and openly each time and reached mutually beneficial solutions, it was great overall. The only major aspect was the fact that she'd been sexually assaulted by past boyfriends. But we discussed this relatively early on as well, I told her I have no problem with waiting and I meant it, and we agreed to take it slow and just get to know each other. We went on to date at least once a week ever since. I had an awesome time with her, every date was enjoyable and I could feel us becoming really comfortable around one another.

But something started feeling off 3 months in. The dates were still awesome, I still enjoyed spending my time with her, but I started feeling awkward when kissing her, like I didn't really want to. I chalked it up to a rough patch in my own life which left me pretty tired and decided to try to fix things on my end before acting on it in the relationship. I tried to play it cool because I didn't want to worry her. A couple of months passed, I started getting back on track with things, but the awkwardness persisted. It got worse when we decided to go on a vacation together later this year and I realised while buying the plane tickets a week ago that this may be when she'll want to open up physically and that I feel the same kind of awkwardness. A couple of days ago I understood that I loved her deeply, but as a friend, a sister. I don't understand why this shift happened, as I was attracted to her at the start. I thought it may have been because I imposed it upon myself to not give off sex vibes around her so that she won't feel pressured in any way. I just wanted her to be able to feel safe and comfortable around me. 

I realised it would be unfair to her as I would basically be stringing her along in the hopes that something may be reignited, and she deserves much better than that. We had the talk yesterday, she was a bit blindsided by it, even though she said she felt that things were turning platonic, too, but didn't say anything, and that she had this happen before in past relationships, but was as sweet and kind about it as ever. My heart was breaking as I was breaking hers. We both cried a lot, she asked me if I was sure just once, I told her yes, hugged her tightly, and left. 

I feel like a monster. I feel that I've messed up both a great relationship and a wonderful person. I can't even express the remorse I feel about hurting her, I haven't stopped crying since. I am so sorry I hurt her, but I really don't know what else I could have done.

Is there anything I should or could have done differently? Is there anything I could do to make it better now? In the past, every breakup came with a solid reason, like abuse, major lifestyle differences, things like that. But this time it was just breaking a wonderful person's heart because things died down in me for whatever reason. I hate myself because of this...

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[–] breadsmasher 30 points 3 months ago (1 children)

If it wasnt right for one of you, ending it is the right thing to do. The alternative, like you mention, is stringing someone along. The longer that goes on for, the worse break up - especially if the other person feels things are going great

[–] Repentant 10 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Thank you, I keep telling myself this over and over again, but it feels like trying to douse a house fire by pleading with it. I truly do feel heinous to know this is the conclusion to all of the appreciation I felt and feel toward her. She may have been the all-round nicest person I've met to date, and I ended up doing this to her...

[–] idiomaddict 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

…which is better than not doing it. Dating sucks, but it sucks less when people are honest about their intentions.

[–] Repentant 1 points 3 months ago

I guess that's why they say that the best decisions leave everyone unhappy...

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I personally think you’re in mourning. Love, whether it’s platonic or romantic, is a beautiful thing. Losing it, no matter the reason, is like losing a part of yourself. I think it’s clear to you and to everyone reading that you did the right thing by not ignoring your instincts. This truth does nothing to salve the pain of loss, however. I think you’re crossing the wires of responsibility to yourself and to her with the pain of this loss, hence the feeling heinous. You did what was right for both of you. Unfortunately, that meant leaving behind something beautiful. In the long run, this will prove to be the right move, albeit bittersweet. Process the pain but do so without the punishment!

[–] Repentant 2 points 3 months ago

Thank you for your insightful comment, I am, indeed in mourning. I may not have felt the full palette of affection toward her, but what I do feel is huge in and of itself. And while my rational side is aware that this is the best decision I can make with what I know right now, I still can't shake the guilt of having hurt a person I appreciate so much.

This is more of a personal "issue," I'm very strict with myself around the pain I cause...

[–] VubDapple 11 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Maybe you have felt platonic towards her because of her past sexual assault? As in wanting to protect her from your sexual interest? It might be too late now but if so the thing to do would be to talk about it with her in a very open manner to see if the issue could be overcome, your fear of harming her and whatever fear she might have.

[–] Repentant 3 points 3 months ago

Thank you, I thought about this option long and hard, but I honestly don't know if things could be turned around in me. I haven't been afraid of harming her, only of pressuring her in any way. I even asked her from the start to point out anything unbecoming from my end, without hesitation, but she never had a reason because I tried as best as I could to not give her one. I always default to gentle and attentive when it comes down to the physical part of relationships and I know that I could have taken it as slow as she would have needed.

To add to this, I really don't want this to turn into an off-and-on thing, I've been through several of those and they are horrid...

[–] FarraigePlaisteach 9 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It’s confusing the first few times this happens because as you pointed out, the different types of love seem similar, and it seems as though they change from one to the other.

I know exactly how you feel, from the confusion to the self-directed blame. Please, don’t. You don’t deserve it. Society doesn’t prepare us well for these nuances and you describe it well.

The Greeks have seven words for love for a reason.

[–] Repentant 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Thank you for this. Oh, God, I hope I won't have to do this to anyone else ever again...

[–] FarraigePlaisteach 5 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

You didn’t do anything “to” them. You were as blindsided as they were. But I know well that grief-stricken feeling in this situation. Be kind to yourself and try not to persecute yourself so much. 🙏

[–] Repentant 2 points 3 months ago

Thank you for your kind words, sincerely! This will haunt me, though...

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Sometimes people move at a different pace. maybe there wasn't any common grounds that made it work for the both of you. But the way you phrase it, I'm not sure if that's it. Nonetheless it was the right thing not to pressure anyone. And it also happens to people who are in a relationship for way longer, that love gets lost somewhere on the way. But there are lots of reasons why there might be an initial spark but things might go a different route. It's a common thing and happens.

If you say you love her as a friend/sister... That's super difficult to pull off... But you might want to consider following up on that. Let some days pass and talk (like adults) if you both want to stay friends. But there is a super big caveat: You're kind of past a romantic relationship. She's not. If she agrees to regularly meet you because she still loves you, that's bound to be super unhealty for her. Either she also arrives at a point where she genuinely doesn't want you as partner anymore, and you can both move on to a friendship without other feelings involved.... Or going seperate ways is the proper thing to do. At least for some time.

[–] Repentant 2 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Thank you! There really were no reasons I could point to as the cause for this, we got along really well and the relationship was healthy as far as I could see and experience it. I'm not even entirely sure when the shift started happening. All I know is that one day it started feeling like I was kissing my sister. I didn't tell her this specifically, though.

Oh, no, there is no intent from my end to pursue a friendship with her unless she is absolutely sure it won't mess her up even more. That's why I only told her that I'll always be open to her, but that she should give herself as much time as she needs. I didn't specifically mention a friendship at all. I've been on the other end and I do not want to be one to encourage this kind of slow and sickly grind. I genuinely do love her a lot and I want to do absolutely anything I can do to minimise her pain.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Hmmh. There is a line somewhere between ghosting someone after a breakup and having unhealthy contact. Or doing silly things like a on/off relationship. It's certainly not easy. And I don't think there is a rule that applies to all people. It has to be judged on a case by case basis.

I'm really not an expert on these kinds of things. My observation is, people usually talk to close friends after a breakup and that helps to cope. At least a bit. If she has some best friend, maybe talking to them is a way to process things. Get some reassurance and not feel alone with that feeling. Usually people can relate because it happens to most of us. Breakups really suck big time. But there is no proper alternative to moving on (after some time). And as the ex partner you're usually not the correct person to help them move on, because you're too involved and part of the issue.

Another idea for you would be to talk to her best friend (if she has one)? You can ask them how things are going. And ask them if there's anything you can do. If they talked, the friend should know what kind of distance is right for her and if she expressed some request that you can fulfill. In the end you sound like you value and respect her. And you're willing to think it through and do the right thing. That's a good start. It doesn't guarantee anything, since you're only one part in the puzzle. But I think that's a good approach and way better than lots of breakups I've seen. But it's just a difficult situation. It doesn't make it better that you're missing a tangible reason for why it doesn't work... It's easier if one person would be an asshole for example and you have a proper reason to split up. But feeling something (or not feeling something) is equally as valid. (And *why* you feel something is kind of secondary anyways. It helps to process things and get an answer. But ultimately if you can't change the way you feel, the answer also doesn't really change anything. And feelings don't have to abide by logic or be consistent. Just make sure she knows she isn't the cause. That's an important thing to know. But you already said you did that.)

[–] Repentant 2 points 3 months ago

I haven't had the chance to meet her friends so far, all of our dates were just between the two of us. She does have a lot of friends from what she's told me, so I hope she'll be able to find some comfort with them and with her family.

Right now, I wouldn't dare try to contact her, I don't want to make things any more painful or complicated than I already have. I'm keeping my door open for her, however, if she'll ever feel that she can talk to me without it tearing her apart.

As for telling her that she had no fault in this, I did. Repeatedly, obsessively, almost. I got really emotional when seeing her so hurt. I kept saying it to her because, if nothing else, I wanted her to walk away with that knowledge for whatever it's worth.

[–] arin 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I don't understand why you two can't just be friends then?

[–] Repentant 5 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Thank you for bringing this up, I honestly have no issue with maintaining a friendship, but I don't know if she could take it emotionally. She looked distraught yesterday, which told me things were solidifying for her as they should have for me. She may have even confirmed that she was thinking of trying to be intimate during our vacation, but it's honestly just a painful blur right now and I'm not sure.

I didn't even mention this possibility, I thought it would be cruel seeing how badly she took the break-up. I just told her that I am not closing up toward her and asked her to give herself time. That's all.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Give her a few days but I do think you should reach out and send a message along the lines of

“If you would like, and only when you’re ready, I would still like to be your friend and in your life so long as that doesn’t cause you pain. I won’t bother you with more messages but please know you can reach out to me if or when you would like to.”

A side note, I had platonic feelings grow for someone I met and dated many years ago and we remained close friends for years but then a few years ago those feelings shifted back the other direction. We’ve been deeply in love and together ever since (and the foundation of friendship has been incredibly powerful with enabling us to have a very healthy, communicative, and honest relationship). Feelings are complicated.

[–] Repentant 1 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Thank you, I'll give this some thought. I'm very reticent about contacting her again so soon, I really don't want to mess her up any more than I already have...

[–] peregrinetech 1 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

It's clear that you made the right decision by sharing your feelings. You shouldn't try to force anything. And don’t be too hard on yourself, this happens in many relationships. What you do afterwards is what matters.

When I was younger, I had platonic feelings for someone I dated, and I ended the relationship because of it. Eventually, I reconnected with her, and we became friends. I thought that having her in my life as a friend was exactly what I wanted since my love for her felt purely platonic. But I was wrong. Feelings can change and it's easy to get them mixed up. She got married, and I went on to have a few relationships, but I always felt like something was missing. We stayed friends, and after she divorced, I confessed my feelings. We decided to try again and see where it goes. It's now been almost a decade since we got back together and we are very much in love.

Every relationship takes effort to keep the spark alive. Feelings are complex and passion also fades. There are other aspects that are more important. In your case, I think you're imposing this on yourself to avoid hurting or putting pressure on her. Referring to her as a sister might be your way of protecting her, perhaps from your own sexual desires. It seems like you turned off your sexual instincts out of respect and fear, which might have led to your relationship becoming platonic. Maybe your relationship could work if you're both open with each other and work to break down the barriers you've put up out of fear, yours of pressuring her and hers of intimacy. Sometimes a break and a fresh start might rekindle the connection. After all, a strong friendship is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and it's harder to build than attraction alone.

I just hope you don't go through the same thing I did, because it's terrible to be haunted by what if's for years. At the same time, it's not healthy to force something or someone. But love, in any form, is beautiful. It's hard to find it and even harder to find a wonderful person to share it with, so don't let that be wasted. Whether you stay friends after she heals, or you give it a second chance, I just hope you'll be in each other's lives cause you both seem to truly care.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago

Didn’t feel sad. This is honestly pretty perfect. You both felt platonic and can now remain friends. I think you approached things with style and grace and you get an A+.