Trans

I came out to my grandma on Friday. Went through every scenario in my head beforehand (mostly bad ones) and had to stop on the way to her to gather myself but in the end all that panicking was for nothing as she is completely fine with and just accepts me the way I am. 🥲 I love my family

I went on a trip and almost everyone there was transphobic :c

As part of slowly replacing gel with injections I took my first shot a few days ago! It took several attempts and a couple of needles to actually have the courage to do it, but I'm feeling rather proud of myself

Played cards against humanity with parents and family friends on the 4th (that was a lot of fun), realizing a lot of them are very LGBTQ friendly

People will not STFU with the fireworks, it's been ongoing from like, 7PM to 1AM since the first of the month

I came out to my religious trumper parents via email on Wednesday and they haven't responded yet lol

It's been a rollercoaster. I ran out of hormones, panicked and avoided calling the clinic, felt like shit for four days, cried to my roommate about conservative bigotry, went to my follow-up appointment, couldn't get my hormone labs done, got my refill, took my meds, and now I'm lying in bed feeling pretty alright.

The week started rough, had a bit of a breakdown early on because of the supreme court being shit, the ‘debate’ being shit and a real chance tRump is elected and feeling lost in transition. But then went to fireworks and presented fem the entire time, had people call me my chosen name and it was wonderful. Everyone was really lovely! Capped off the week with beers with a good friend.

Things were good for a few months, and now they're as bad as they've ever been. Worse, for having been plinged back down. Almost started writing notes a month ago, and while I'm more stable now, it's still just as bad. Who I am is a rickety scaffold built over a black hole that is the ADHD need for constant stimulation and novelty and I hate myself for it. I tried dating and hooking up, trying to date went miserably and I regret trying, and I feel stupid for ever thinking that I could handle a close relationship with someone, let alone that that someone would want to date me, and also guilty because dating just feels like trying to trick someone into caring about me. Had hookups with 3 people, caught herpes and I just feel so gross and disgusting. There's no way I'm ever going to feel comfortable dating or being intimate with anyone ever again, I'm never going to be comfortable with the "oh btw I have herpes, are you ok with that" talk and even if it happened and they were I'M not going to be ok risking giving it to them. One of the guys I hooked up with I saw a couple times, and he made me feel attractive and cared about and I'm so much worse off now for having felt that way because now I know what that's like and it's not something I'm going to have again. Between physical and mental illness work's been going badly, which isn't a big surprise because I've been nothing but a dead weight to my coworkers for a while now, those who I'm not close with dislike me because of it and those I am close with are frustrated, because they know I want to kill myself and feel like they can't talk to me about what a shit job I'm doing without making me feel worse. I'd gladly gracefully bow out of existence, grab a helium tank and a gas mask and rig up some connections with a one way outflow valve on the mask, snuggle up with my stuffed animals on the couch, and finally not have to deal with any of this shit, except I'm held hostage to existence because people care about me and I'm unwilling to hurt them. I'm well past the point of giving up, it's like I'm already dead, I'm going to be walking around for another several years, probably. I'm so stupid for pretending anything could ever get better. If I'd just stayed hopeless, it wouldn't hurt so much right now. I've spent the last 15 years strangling the life out of the part of me that wanted/needed romantic and intimate connections, then for a few months I revived it and now I have to start all over stomping the life out of it again and it hurts but I know in the long run it'll hurt less. Fuck.

Objectively... quite good? But I feel terrible. The dysphoria is strong and I feel like I'm faking it.

• Told my wife explicitly I'm transgender. "Oh yeah," she says, "you always had that kind of an air about you." Now you tell me! Haven't talked about transitioning yet.
• Since my egg cracked the desire to stuff myself full of junk food and get drunk has just vanished. I'm eating healthier and WAY less.
• Tried putting on makeup; just copying tutorials so far, but apparently I resemble my mother. Was aiming for something a bit younger though :(
• Bought a BLÅHAJ. If I'm going to jump on the trans bandwagon I might as well have something to hug.
• All the clothes in the women's section are for people 20cm shorter and half my weight
• But I did find a cute hat. My face looks stupid beneath it, but I'm going to wear it anyway.
• I painted my nails, and I can't stop staring at my hands. Awww yeah :3
• Noticed that I actually have quite feminine fingers (and incidentally a noticeable cupid's bow). Win, I guess!
• I want to start HRT.
• Kind of hoping someone will call me a good girl?