this post was submitted on 29 Feb 2024
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Hyperfixations. Simultaneously the worst and the best. (sopuli.xyz)
submitted 9 months ago by [email protected] to c/adhd
13 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Context:

For the last month I’ve been on an absolute tech binge on reading up and tinkering with hacking ps vitas and other general computer faffing about.

This has lead me to not only purchasing not one, but two ps vitas in the last month, and spending basically every waking hour reading documentation, looking up new homebrews and plugins, and actually working on getting these things implemented.

Additionally, carrying around a tiny baby console has reignited but also a impulse purchasing a new handheld gaming pc. Now I already have a fairly decent one, an aya neo 2021, so 16gb ram, a 4800u processor, 1tb storage, etc. This baby’s literally been able to handle everything I’ve thrown at it, with the exception of Baldur’s Gate.

But now I’m really getting bothered by how heavy and big it is. So what do I do? I buy a GPD Win 4 on an impulse because it’s only a little bit larger than the vita, but has many many many pluses compared to my current pc (32gb ram, a 34% faster processor, 2tb storage, an on unit keyboard, a mini mouse trackpad, rear buttons (honestly one of the main things I miss about the xbox pro controller), etc). I’m still going to use the aya, I’ll set it up as a pseudo desktop of sorts probably, or use it when I do want that bigger screen.

But man I feel absolutely worn out from this. It’s been a ninth of just solid obsession and being unable to think about anything else. Not to mention the money I’ve spent that I really ought to be saving. And the worst part is I know there’s very little I can do to break out of it.

At least the comp I know im going to be using, the vita I think the fixation will die out once it’s all set up and configured... I think I enjoy the tinkering more than I will actually using it.

Does anyone else feel the same after a hyperfixation binge? It’s gotta be similar to stims making us tired right? Finally found something that releases the dopamine, and now it’s a tidal wave. Not to mention just the go go go go obsessive thinking 24/7. And it certainly doesn’t help that being so focused on this instead of literally everything else means I’ve missed my meds more times in the last few weeks than I have actually remembering them. Gotta love a self fulfilling prophesy eh?

Anyway, anyone else have a similar hyperfixation story they feel like sharing?

And I fully accept this is far too much to read lmao

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[–] PsychoNot 18 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I used to keep fish. I loved learning about the nitrogen cycle, setting up the co2 diffuser, balancing tank parameters, designing the filtration system, researching, purchasing, and acclimating exotic fish. Fascinating, colorful and compelling. But once the set up was done and I had a mature tank I was bored and dreaded basic maintenance. The fish didn’t deserve a subpar home so I did my best, but when we moved and sold the set up, I never went back.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 9 months ago

Oooo that’s gotta be a tough one. I’m glad you did your best for them though! And it’s great you actually knew how much work it is / would be, many people think of fish as a ‘starter pet’ and they’re usually one of the more complicated and time consuming ones. Just a shame the interested failed, you would’ve made a lot of fish happy :)

[–] Bluefruit 14 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Oh boy the ADHD is strong with this one.

Yea before meds, hyper focus usually came in small bursts but there was a whole 2 weeks and i do literally mean 2 weeks where i spent every waking moment trying to make a jellyfin server work. I worked night shift security at the time so it was wake up, work on the servwr before work, go to work, look up docs and videos, go home, sleep, rinse, repeat for two weeks straight.

I was new to Linux (and still am) so it took me so fucking long and i ended up doing it on windows in the end anyways. But yea after doing almost nothing else for two weeks, i was a liiiiittle burnt out.

My advice if you wanna play with tech but dont wanna spend the scratch, ask friends or family if they have old laptops or pcs they dont want and use those. Ive gotten 5 laptops this way.

Or ebay and other marketplace sites. Old hardware is still fun.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

Reminds me the week I did nothing but play Dragon Age Inquisition for literally 10 hours a day lmao. It was literally sleep, play, maybe eat, sleep, repeat.

Yeah old hardware is definitely neat! Luckily the vita’s weren’t too much. The screen on one of them (an OLED) is registering touches that it shouldn’t (the bottom bezel that’s definitely not part of the screen, the select button also triggers it inexplicably). I think my next project will be to replace that front unit. I’ve already taken it apart once, so if I can get that back to working properly with a new module that would be awesome

I have no regrets on buying the pc, tbh. With the keyboard, it means I’ll be able to do some coding with a lot less setup investment, which is usually my main de-motivator. I have a few projects that I’m working on already, so at least new ideas won’t be needed lol

I do have an ancient Macbook that I don’t really use too much anymore, maybe I’ll wipe that and do a Linux install :)

[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I don't think I have ADHD (so this may be more of a SzPD or depression thing), but I often hyperfixate on things until I just decide to drop the idea (or at least lurk on the idea indefinitely) due to complexity/poor-results/cost. And the cost doesn't even need to be that high, I try not to buy things.

I've done this mostly with programming and game stuff, where I want ease and performance plus something polygonal (eye.mp4). I actually have the pieces, but they don't really fit together (at least not where I'm at, someone better might make it work). Either that or I'd need to make some major concessions (beyond the ones I initially planned for) or have a completely different workflow that will likely also be more difficult (like 3D).

Similar to your story, I heard about PS3 homebrew being better/easier and decided to dust off my PS3 (actually, compressed air) which last-I-used-it was not reading discs. Seems that was only a temperamental thing, got some info, fixed up controller a bit, played some games. But I didn't actually bother with the homebrew stuff yet because I do not really have even a loose plan on the reasons to do so yet. Playing an old game I had bought long ago was one reason, until I remembered it was a PSP mini and I can just play it on my phone.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Interesting! That’s so similar but very different. Like I can’t help myself when it comes to hyperfixation stuff, either buying things or just straight up moving all the furniture in my house or spending days and days just stuck on it. That definitely seems similar, just with impulse control / more cognitive intent

Thanks for your take! Definitely very interesting

[–] [email protected] 2 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

I don't think I would frame it like that. Intent isn't quite a stretch, but I'd say it's more like recognizing my wheels are spinning (but going nowhere) at best and early burnout at-worst. And when money is involved, aside from my lack of it there is also previous purchases that I regret. One is a 3D printer that I bit off more than I could chew with an upgrade and ruined it for myself (well, that on top of not really liking the design/iteration process for extrusion).

Some of this may just be an issue of lacking context, as in anything can seem like a fixation (or easily be one) when I don't really have any regular hobbies. And with tons of free time I can watch hours of video or do strings of searches for something that ultimately won't turn up with what I'm exactly hoping for. Or with the PS3, requires more downloads (or other motivation) for reasoning.

In some cases I suspect I may be wrong in my motivations. Like wanting performance w/programming before I've had any real projects, though I also don't think wanting my code to utilize more than 1/16th of my CPU's capability (particularly if it's performing bad even for that) is such a big ask. Is that an anti-fixation?

On another note, I was fixated on an ebike for a while and then slept on the idea when I couldn't fine one I liked. Eventually I did find exactly what I was looking for (cheap+small/light+has-gears) and I bought it and everything worked out great until my local trail closed (~6months ago, still closed). So that should say something about external factors.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 9 months ago (2 children)

Fascinating. And I’m sorry I didn’t mean to interpret and put words in your mouth, that’s not the right phrase for this I don’t think but hopefully you understand my meaning

Is it similar to a sort of perfectionism? Like if it’s not going to be 100% exactly what you want, there’s no point in even starting? I just find that so interesting, cos for me, even when I’m fully aware I’m hyperfixating and I’m making terrible decisions, I can’t help myself and I just throw myself into it

[–] [email protected] 2 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

Is it similar to a sort of perfectionism? Like if it’s not going to be 100% exactly what you want, there’s no point in even starting?

I would say the issue is not being imperfect, but that it's not even going to be a C-. Something you know is not the right fit/function/compatibility/ease etc on top of the learning curve that will delay even sub-par results beyond a sustainable motivation loop.

There are things I have tinkered with before stopping. Lacking ideas for potential avenues of learning projects (particularly when it comes to creating further content) is one common issue, for instance with programming I did make a simple adventure book reader prototype but did not care enough about writing to develop it further (also aesthetic issues like no auto-scaling text for more legible unicode characters 🔍🕵 or text in general). For a game engine, the option that has a better art feature (eye.mp4 mentioned before) isn't merged yet (and might not perform well enough for actual project-wide usage) plus that major version doesn't have bindings for the language I want to use still (and likely won't for a while). I tried a framework, but I found myself making my own polygon loader (format) that I didn't even finish because I wasn't sure enough on actual usage (2 polygon formats, loading/storage etc.) and I didn't want to keep going out in-the-weeds like that to make my own stuff.

Or there's other toe-stubs like that. For instance I've carved a few things with a rotary tool and I wanted to try whittling so I could do it in my room without creating dust... and when I did the wood was so seasoned I could barely get the bark off (and I probably don't have great tools for whittling). On a similar note, I also tried a small log and was only able to put a slight bevel on it with a (cheap) power-carving disc in an angle grinder (again, seasoned wood from the wood pile).

Wanting to create things that are directly useful/interesting to me is another layer of difficulty/limitation as well.

That and these are not things I do normally already so there's a lot more resistance to starting things than there is to just not do it. Even when I was doing things, there were usually factors I took into account.

Maybe it's less a hyperfixation and more of it being one track that runs without distraction unless I find it inconsequential enough to let the track fall out-of-view, likely in favor of a literal distraction.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago

Very interesting. Thank you for your perspective!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 months ago

Hey, there was some federation/stability issues on my instance so not sure if you saw my other comment (it took more than half-a-day to show up on your instance). Fine either way, though. EDIT: Nevermind, 14 hours later and this comment didn't make it through either but I can see your reply on your instance.

[–] SidewaysHighways 3 points 9 months ago (1 children)

We're like twinsies!

Hacking everything I can get my hands on till I'm hecking TIRED of thinking about switch payloads or wiiu hard drive formatting options ( so that the hacked vwii also has all it's games (and Nintendont for GameCube)) or why I can't unlock the bootloader on my old LG phone to turn it into a media player. Or why I haven't figured out how to mount storage in proxmox for another node to use it or why docker didn't like the permissions blah blah

Yeah. I've got a pile of 10 year old subwoofers sitting in the garage from when I was gonna be slinging speakers.

I don't have the attention span to finish this comment

[–] [email protected] 1 points 9 months ago

Big mood, fam. Big mood.

Luckily now that I’ve got the second vita all hacked and my new computer is in and mostly set up the absolute constant thinking about it’s subsided a little

Those all sound like awesome projects though! Us adhd-ers would really be unstoppable if we could actually control our focus lol