Yup, there's a part of me that can't let go of the old version of me. It's as if I don't want to abandon that person because once I do, then they're gone forever, and no one else has ever gotten to really know them. It feels like a loop of grief, anxiety, and regret.
this post was submitted on 04 Jul 2023
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This is the feeling. I have one more thing in the loop tho - spark of reform: like okay, let’s do something about it. It fits in right before anxiety.
Agreed. There's also a thought experiment I think of a lot with regards to this feeling. It's about the Ship of Theseus: a mythical ship that last centuries but with all its parts and crew replaced over the years, for maintenance. Once everything has been replaced, is it still the "Ship of Theseus"?
That opens a whole existential can of worms - what makes me me, what am I outside of these things, what do I want?
I need to figure out my core being, but how do I do that?
I genuinely don't know. Personally, I vacillate between thinking of myself as a continuum (past-present-future me are all linked together and so I exist throughout time as the whole collective), or "I" don't really exist (I've always been different moment to moment, so there's no real me, so what really matters is focusing on what's happening right here, right now).
Granted, a lot of the time I'm just anxious and I'm not really thinking about it philosophically. 🤷🏻♀️
Post divorce me is a different person than pre divorce. My results in court were pretty good for a man, but I was dragged through it and all my ex's bullshit was taken very seriously. I am much less trusting now and generally think people suck. I have much less patience for bullshit.
Yes, every single day. It's stifling sometimes. For example there are career routes I wish I could have gone down. I wish I had that on campus experience. I wish I could have met more people or traveled. But I can't now.
For me, it's a bit different from regret. It's things - like hobbies, games, physical objects, habits, etc. Sometimes I look around and wonder what happened to the me that loved such things? Am I still in there somewhere? Is it just the repressiveness of life that keeps me from enjoying what I used to? Or are these things distant from me now? Am I a different person now or was I stuffed into this mold and I can fit the things I used to love?
Yup. It's part of growing older. All the things we couldn't do then, all the stuff we put off, and never do. The only way to break the cycle is to consciously stop yourself from planning for the next day. Expect that each day of drudgery and tedium is your last day on Earth and be satisfied with that. Don't plan on things. It's a hard thing to do, and breaking the cycle of "tomorrow" is a hard one. There's a lot that I'm trapped by - some related to my circumstances and due to my choices and actions.
I've learned to accept that this is the best that life will ever be. This, and no farther. That's the only way to acknowledge the chains and not regret their formation.
Start small with the process. Start getting a big picture of all the issues, little by little.
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