Curated Tumblr

Admittedly I have made and make the mistake mentioned a lot.

I do try not to assume it's about me but when the majority of input from complete strangers (never from anyone who actually understood me like family or friends) in 2017 seemed to be criticism about me and believing so destroyed my life it's hard not to be bitter and simply say...

"I don't even care whether it's about me or not, because you are all telling everyone via everything from Gravity Falls and Once Upon A Time to Changeling: The Lost 1e to Homestuck and Undertale to Calvinism and a certain rant by a certain lolcow coughRobert Pellonicough that they have to 'grow up' without giving even the slightest reason other than 'childishness is true evil' (yes, it sounds insane but that's the message you give when your hero's greatest foe is always a child who is basically the devil) so I am right to actively resent society itself for telling me that being yourself is invalid if you're a childish person" because at the very least I was not a bad person."

I didn't let my youthful inner POV make me insufferable (I've done my best to fix that since 2015 as well as accepting that basically every Discord writing server is permanently off limits to me, and nobody is calling me a hassle IRL right now) or bratty or like a spoiled rich idiot, but thanks to the above shit I went through I now have actual PTSD and I don't even know what the trigger is, just that I seem to have some and certain things set it off.

I had ONE dream, to be a writer, but now that is impossible because I am unable to think of my audience as anything but a crowd of adversaries willing to read my work only to attack whatever I wrote because nobody believes in technology or happy conclusions or that killing actual child characters JUST for shock value means you are not a writer but a goddamn marketer and you should not be writing stories because it is extremely disturbing to be three episodes in when Travellers drops the dead kids bombshell, instead of the first episode so that at least you know what you're getting into instead of feeling betrayed.

I know it's not always about me, but why is it NEVER about me, not for even just a little while? Why does everybody else get a fucking soapbox on the internet and I'm the exception only because I don't have a social trend to back me up? I'm not going to take your soapbox, but you won't let me have one and until you do I will resent anything that - if reapplied to me - makes me feel like you think my very soul is invalid just because my way of looking at the world is so different from literally everyone on the fediverse it seems.

I say nice things and I do mean them. I just need you to all know I do it because the internet was my life and now I have no life and even when I spent the past 8 years trying to rebuild my life, circumstances mean I was doomed to fail and this? This is like breaking someone's kneecaps and then telling them they need to get over it and start walking again.