Selfhosted
A place to share alternatives to popular online services that can be self-hosted without giving up privacy or locking you into a service you don't control.
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It will never meet the WAR. Just put it in a closet somewhere where the wife can't see it.
I would like to give it a go anyway even if it'll end up not meeting the WAR! I quite like the idea of having it all in an enclosed and tied up space..
To satisfy the WAR condition, you also may want to consider an outer shell. Like a side table or something "furniture" adjacent. Cut and drop in a couple well-placed vents (and/or silent fans) and hide it; which is what she wants.