ADHD

So I don't normally reach out to a group of strangers for emotional support. I worry about failing to communicate my views and I'm pretty "sensitive", but I don't like to be coddled either. But I've been lurking here and, while there are many viewpoints and voices, as a whole, I see this community as being considerate and supportive.

I had my first appointment with a mental health professional yesterday. This is after a year or so of realizing that I might have ADHD. I went down the rabbit hole for a couple of months, talked to my primary care and got a referral and everything! Heck, I even followed up with the clinic when they didn't reach out to me as they said they would (gasp!). I occasionally display a moderate level of adult proficiency and sort of need to as a middle aged man.

The practitioner was lovely and she did her thing. I work in healthcare as well, so much of the structure was obvious even if the specifics were outside my field. She sends me the screen and gets the office to call me to schedule a follow up.

And I feel myself stalling again. If I look-feel at myself, I feel anxiety about being labeled. I personally don't think it's a bad thing to get a diagnosis; however, there are those who say it doesn't matter, but they aren't aware of their feelings enough to say otherwise. Sorry for being cryptic. In particular, I worry about future job prospects if needed. I always want to perform my job at the highest level I am able to and it would suck to have something that should be seen as just neutral become a liability.

Second concern lies with family members. I have a loving family, but some of the older generation view mental health conditions as a personal failing. It's funny because we have members of the family in the generation below me that have an ADHD diagnosis and there is a loving acceptance of that fact. However, being a grown, I suspect that they would see it as character flaw and a personal failing. I've soft drop the idea that I believe that I have this condition.

The next thing I was hoping to hear about is people's relationship to masking and choosing not to mask. For years, I've accept that I'm a bona fide weirdo. Many love and accept it even if it's a bit too much at times. But it's sort of unfamiliar to be my weirdo self and realize that I spend a lot of time keeping it at bay. Heck, writing this message makes me wonder if I'm masking or leaning into my over-explainer self. (For the most part I'm enjoying the process, so I'll keep on keeping on).

Finally, I didn't follow adult ADHD screening sent to me my the mental health practitioner. It was emotionally difficult swing from "Holy shit ... I know that." to "I know that and I a fucking failure". The shame and depression is real and I've struggled with it for years. I only hinted at it in the interview with the practitioner. As I gain trust in her skill and competency, I imagine that I'll share more with her.

Oh and meds! I'm glad to hear that meds have helped so many! I tend to be medication hesitant in general. I can see it being part of a management regime. However, I lack the clarity to contextualize its role in a long term strategy which is seated in a long term goal. If you have been medication hesitant, let me know what helped you decide one way or the other. And if you use the meds, I'd love to hear if you situate it in a long term goal and strategy for managing the condition. Sorry for the big ask.

Geez. ... I guess the last thing I hate is thinking that I can't just be me for everyone. I have to have zipped myself up in a certain way and even use meds to do it. I think this is the rawest thing that I'm feeling. Apologies if I come of as prickish. I think I need to wrestle with this more and find loving acceptance for society and myself in society. I am generally a fan of doing what you have to do to be in this world. Be kind to yourself. Be careful not to hurt others.

Alright. Preachy oversharing done. I know this needs a proofing and am tapped out. Cheers!