this post was submitted on 09 Feb 2024
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me_irl
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I'm in a DINK couple (just to be clear) and one thing people often don't speak about is the negative aspect of that choice when we get older. You might do whatever you want while you're young, odds are that if you need care when you're old, your only source of help will be professional, not personal.
Let's not pretend nothing positive comes from having kids, especially not on a platform where people keep complaining about being lonely.
Heck, go volunteer in a long term care facility and tell me there no difference between the amount of care that people with and without a family receive.
Relying on kids for care is like breeding servants.
Let them live life by their choices. They owe you nothing.
Exactly, I’m not here to take care of my parents lol
So your parents call you and say "I fell down the stairs and I've got a hard time walking..." and your reaction is "Ok, good luck at the hospital!"
I know it sounds awful, but yes. It’s really all I can do thousands of miles away.
Ok so you're a specific edge case and the fact that you wouldn't help them is related to your geographical situations. In most families living the same thing you do, just being able to talk to each other is a form of support that people without kids don't have when they get older.
Holy crap you guys...
It's just something that naturally happens with most families and I never said it's the reason why people have kids, I said it's one advantage about having kids vs not having them. In the majority of cases it's not an obligation people feel and I'm sorry if you had to have it imposed on you, but you can't use your anecdote to make a general opinion.
You're in the right here. These people are selfish ingrates who have no family values, and no appreciation for the gift of life and sunk cost of those before them so that they could have success. We all stand on the shoulders of giants.
I love my mom with all my heart and hope I am successful enough to give her back all the care she gave to me out of GRATITUDE, not obligation.
This is an emotionally difficult subject that stems from deeply held personal beliefs about the meaning of life, parental relationships, and the responsibilities associated with them. Castigating blanket judgements and reading evil intent into people's choices helps no one.
I'm truly happy you have a good relationship with your mom and have a desire to take care of her when she gets older. I once planned to do the same, and still mourn not being able to have that kind of relationship with mine. She did sacrifice a lot to raise me and gave it her best effort and honestly did great in a lot of ways.
Unfortunately, at some point this idea of "gratitude" became a way to exert control over my life. At some point, it became less about respecting the gift of life, and more about holding me accountable for a debt I never asked for and guilting me into following a path she felt would reflect well on her. I'm sad to say, but there's absolutely no way this would work out if I tried to take care of her later in life. Expecting direct control over my life due to the debt from just existing would not lead to a stable environment and she is therefore much better off with professionals.
This is not an unempathetic or easy decision, but it's the best one. Because sometimes relationships are hard and painful and don't work out like how "family values" tell you they're supposed to go and all the gratitude in the world can't fix toxic relationships. People are more complicated than that.
I remind them where their gun is and tell them we don't call 911 here 🤠
"I left the Glock on the first floor just for this reason. Do the noble thing and don't burden the tribe with your frailty"
This isn’t fair. If you invest properly in your children, they become your friend as they age (from the perspective of a son who became friends with his parents)
I'm not saying you force them to help, I'm saying it naturally happens in most families and I'm sorry if you wouldn't be there for your parents when they're old, it must mean you have a bad relationship with them.
In one case you only have one resource that can help you in case of need, in the other there's two.
Or you could also have a kid, and they may end up being special needs, which, depending upon how bad, also can't help you. Or you have a kid, and they end up being terrible to the point that your relationship fails when they get older and never want to see you again once they leave.
Having a kid doesn't necessarily mean you're guaranteed anything either. At least in your situation, you have the ability to plan ahead starting early as well as the extra income to throw at whatever solution you find.
Sure, in the majority of cases that's not what happens though, most families care for each other.
My family has been caring for my bipolar brother on and off for over 20 years since we discovered his mental illness around the age of 18. I wouldn't say it destroyed our family, but it's put us all through an extremely stressful existence--and it's not something we can ever expect a permanent solution for. The toll it's had on my parents is staggering. They've been depressed pretty much since he flew off the handle and it's never really gotten back to 'normal' since.
So yeah, having a kid isn't a guarantee of a happy or purposeful life either. Guess we're just in the 'minority of cases'?
I refuse to bring children into this world for numerous reasons--and that right there is a big one. I don't know if it's genetic, but I'm not taking the risk of bringing another bipolar person to suffer in this world.
Guess we're just in the 'minority of cases'?Eh... Yes, as a matter of fact you guys are? Don't know why I need to debate the principle of anecdotal evidences in this discussion 🤔
You could also talk to experts to determine if there's increased risks or not in your specific case. My mother has 6 siblings, one of them had one kid who's schizophrenic, that's one out of 15 kids between my mother and her siblings, nothing hereditary about it (not on our side anyway), shit just happens sometimes.
I've met plenty of others that have seen mental illness wreak havoc on their families. Sure my experience is anecdotal but wtf else can i draw experience from? Make all my decisions based on probabilities and just hope for the best? Congrats on having a bunch of normal functioning family, sounds nice 😊
wtf else can i draw experience fromGuess you never had stats explained to you?
My first message was general. It doesn't apply to your case? Fair enough, you're in a minority. It doesn't make me wrong and it's not an attack against you and you can push the reflection a bit further and tell yourself "Although it's not the case with me, most people are close to others in their family so I guess in most cases it's a form of support when aging that people don't get if they don't have kids."