this post was submitted on 26 Nov 2023
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Autism
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Smart kid and polite kid. My daughter's 13 and it's hard to get her to say thank you to a human!
I think I had a hard time as a kid/teen with saying thanks and then sometime in my late teens/early 20s, after I wasn’t getting reminded all the time, it was like some switch was flipped.
I don't think she does it when she's selfish, she just never thinks about it. Part of her social anxiety, probably. I don't mind reminding her, but it does irritate me a bit even though I know it's probably not something she's able to help right now. Parenting is a minefield of emotions.
For me it wasn’t that I was selfish or anything. I just didn’t think about it and therefore didn’t remember. She will probably have a light switch moment sometime in the future. We all grow and evolve afterall. Even autistics.
Edit: was => wasn’t
If she doesn't, it isn't the end of the world. And if I'm around, I'll remind her.
As a non-parent I always wonder what’s the point. If the kid doesn’t feel thankful, making them say the words isn’t going to make a difference. And if the kid does feel thankful but forgets saying the words over their glee, isn’t seeing a happy kid thanks enough?
Politeness is the point. In my opinion, a civil society needs to have basic etiquette.
Based on my childhood I would not suggest that you worry too deeply about it. Instruct her, but don’t make it a big deal. Like “don’t forget to say ty” vs “what do you say”. One comes off harsher and while autistics can be dense on somethings, not everything. Anxiety can be reinforced by having to much pressure on people in general. Autistics often need more time to adjust and adapt.
If you are a polite person she will learn by your example afterall.
I suspect my husband is autistic. He's in his late 30's and I've finally got him to understand why saying "please" and "thank you" is important, even if he isn't feeling like saying it at the time. Sometimes he still doesn't, but he does say it when he remembers to (unless he's focused on something else in which case it's "yes" "no" or silence if I ask if he would like something from the kitchen)
I think it's helped with his work relationships as well.
I think you're doing the right thing
Thanks. I think as long as I just remind her and don't push her, she'll hopefully get it eventually.
Consider that kids develop habits in childhood that will carry into adulthood. It benefits the kid to understand the basic rules of politeness. Otherwise, they might wonder why someone else got that promotion, even though they work just as hard. Or why that one co-worker won't talk to them. Or why that girl/guy they were interested in suddenly isn't interested in them anymore
Being polite is a way of signaling that you are willing to follow certain social rules. This is important so that communication can happen. If I follow different rules than you do, it could result in conflict, confusion and misunderstanding