I've been slowly, but steadily collecting more and more people to miss, Watching my finances get worse and worse. My body is starting to fall apart. My life is boring, lonely and grueling. Every time I take a step forward in one area I take a step back in all the others. Therapy has been worse than useless, loved ones stop caring eventually, casual friends just disappear into the ether without a trace.

I wish I hadn't gotten "lucky" during my previous suicide attempts, because I definitely can't try that anymore. I wish someone could just do it for me, without me ever expecting it.

But your 30s are supposed to be easier. More stable. It's hard to believe that'll be the case for me, going into them with no connection to my past, no money, no marketable skills.

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[–] grayman 5 points 1 year ago

Yes. Like is harder but definitely better. It sounds like you're in a positive feedback loop. Only you can change your life. I suggest you focus on helping others somehow to break the loop. Feed the homeless. Volunteer for habitat for humanity. Anything. There are many volunteer boards on the internet. Your life will not get better until you take action to accomplish some goal for someone else's benefit and then do another after and so on.