I've been slowly, but steadily collecting more and more people to miss, Watching my finances get worse and worse. My body is starting to fall apart. My life is boring, lonely and grueling. Every time I take a step forward in one area I take a step back in all the others. Therapy has been worse than useless, loved ones stop caring eventually, casual friends just disappear into the ether without a trace.

I wish I hadn't gotten "lucky" during my previous suicide attempts, because I definitely can't try that anymore. I wish someone could just do it for me, without me ever expecting it.

But your 30s are supposed to be easier. More stable. It's hard to believe that'll be the case for me, going into them with no connection to my past, no money, no marketable skills.

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

I'm sorry your life has been so rough for you. And like someone below already wrote, you're not alone even if I'm just some random internet stranger. ( Thelsim, nice to meet you, maybe a little less of a stranger now )

I'm in my early forties now and had my share of ups and downs. At my mid-twenties I was at my lowest point, depressed, completely listless. I didn't have the energy to do anything to change my life. I got stressed out so much that I just buried my head in the sand and waited for fate to just end it for me in one way or another. In the end I got lucky and my mother managed to get through to me. I got some more lucky and managed to land a job that I was actually good in and which helped me grow confidence in myself.
It was a combination of luck and a hard push to do something that improved things in life for me. I wish I could say that it's possible for everyone, but I don't want to sound like some kind of self-help book. The one thing I can say is that gaining self-confidence matters a lot, it will shine through in all aspects of your life. Find something about yourself you can feel proud of, a skill, achievement, or just an impact you leave on other people's life. A sense of self-worth has been a lifesaver for me.
As for things getting easier when you're older. In a material sense, if you're on a decent career path, yea I guess. But in a psychological sense? Not really, I can still be massively insecure and am often searching for validation. Imposter's syndrome will always haunt me. The only difference is that I know myself better and can stop a little faster when I'm heading in the wrong direction.

Anyway, that's just my life. It pales in comparison to the hardships you and others have endured. But I still wanted to share my experience and I hope it helps a little.