this post was submitted on 09 Oct 2023
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Autism is a disability. A person with an IQ of 50 simply isn't going to be able to understand War and Peace; you can't dumb the book down sufficiently for someone to understand if they're going to struggle all their life to be able to put on shoes that lace instead of using Velcro. People with dyslexia can listen to audiobooks; there's no audiobook version of deep, fulfilling friendships and social support networks, because people on the autistic spectrum are going to have a hard time offering neurotypical people the what they need. A person that's on the autism spectrum is never going to be able to have social interactions in the same way that neurotypical people can, and those social interactions are necessary to being able to function in society. Some people on the spectrum may be able to appear normal on a surface level and will be able to get by, but it's fucking exhausting. People that have the misfortune to be lower functioning than I am may not be able to mask effectively at all.
That's without even getting into constrained interests, difficulty with coordination and forming positive habits--I still struggle to remember to brush my teeth daily in my middle age--or executive dysfunction.
I never claimed autism wasn't a disability. The fact that autistic people are disabled in some ways isn't in question. But its neither just a disability or - like all disabilities - something that isn't disabling by virtue of the world its part of rather than its intrinsic nature.
For example, you say an autistic person cannot experience social interaction in the same way as a non autistic person. True. But the non autistic person can, with very little adjustment, be aware of that. My kids have good relationships with NT friends and whilst they might not experience them in the same way as NT friendships, they still find them fulfilling.
Those people are likely your kids' best friends. Your kids are likely not their best friends.
Aside from marrying someone that is also neurodivergent, it is unlikely that your children will ever be the best friend of another person. They may be the friend that offers the most help, the person that always shows up to the party with lots of food and a keg, the ones that are always there with tape, boxes, and a truck when someone needs to pack up and move, the one with a spare couch when someone needs a place to stay for a couple days. ...But not the best friend. If they're very, very lucky, they'll end up married to someone else that is also neurodivergent; otherwise, they may end up married to someone that is neurotypical, and will be taken advantage of and/or abused by their partner for their entire life.
That's what you're missing.
Social interactions end up being lopsided, and can never be anything but.
There's a possibility of all that, sure. But there's also a possibility of none of that. My autistic kids relationships with their friends is different than my non autistic kids relationships with their friends. I'm not sure I'd describe it as lopsided but I see what you're getting at. Be that as it may, neither of them, as far as I can tell, are unsatisfied or unhappy with their various relationships. And certainly not to the point where either they or I would describe their lives as 'ruined'.
I didn't start to realize how lopsided it all was until I was into my 20s, and then started to realize how much I was missing in life because of a disability. If your kids are younger than, say, high school, it they probably haven't come to that realization yet.
My best friend in the entire world is autistic, as am I. We don't talk as much as we used to, now that I'm in college and he has a job, but we do emotionally look out for each other, reaching out and being a shoulder to cry on when the other is going through a rough patch. I can't say for certain that I'm his best friend in the whole world, especially considering that ever since he went off to college, we no longer live in the same time zone, and I wouldn't blame him for making new friends closer to home, but he's made it clear I'm still in his top three. Besides, I've met his new inner circle both in person and through online videogames, and if even half of them are neurotypical, I'll eat my hat.
Regardless of whether he considers me his best friend or not, your statement that an autistic person cannot be the best friend of another human being, or worse, anything other than the one "friend" who everyone only keeps around because they are useful, is simply false. I am deeply sorry that your experiences thus far have been so awful that they have led you to believe this, but I assure you, they are not universal. There is hope in the world. And I truly believe that even at your age, if you go looking, you'll find plenty of people for whom being autistic is a bonus in a friend rather than a detriment.
Read what I actually wrote:
The probability is that an autistic person is not going to be the best friend of a neurotypical person, which is what I was arguing in the original comment.
And my point is as follows: So?
Who cares if most people don't love you for who you are? Heck, in my book, if they do, you're doing it wrong. Making yourself inoffensive enough that more than 50% of the population is willing to be your friend and having any sense of individuality are mutually exclusive.
So WHAT if you're weird? Plenty of people are. Why care what the people who don't like you think when there are plenty of people who do? Why settle for hanging out with neurotypical people who only put up with you because you bring snacks to their DnD games when you could hang out with people who are just as weird as you and like the same things you like in the same moderately obsessive way you like them?
I just can't stand the idea that you'd treat autism as a disease that should be wiped out because neurotypical people find it annoying.
Given that the overwhelming emotion that I've seen expressed by most other people that are also on the autism spectrum is loneliness, I'd say: most people. You don't feel lonely? Good for you, I'm happy for ya. Most people that are high-functioning autistics--formerly Asperger's--express feelings of isolation, of loneliness, of wanting to have some kind of romantic connection. Not being able to find people that care about them for who they really are is a serious problem.
I'm going to make a guess and say that you've never had the moment of realization that you cared deeply for someone, that you loved someone, but that they simply didn't feel the same way about you. ..And then repeated that experience countless times.
It's like, if you're straight, then roughly 48% of all the people that you meet are at least theoretically in your dating pool, because right around 48% of people are the opposite sex and are also straight. If 1:1000 of those people would be suitable a suitable romantic partner for you, then there are roughly 163,000 suitable romantic partners in the US for you. Heck, roughly 8, 500 of them would be in metro NYC alone. So, in theory, it's 'easy' to find a potential romantic partner. If you're gay or lesbian, that drops to roughly 2% of all people to start (roughly 4% of all people are gay or lesbian, and it's a roughly equal split by gender), which means that your potential nationwide pool is 7,000. If you're trans? Well, that's even lower then.
If you're on the autism spectrum--which is about 2.8% of people in the US--you're going to have a much, much harder time finding people that you can connect with in the first place, just because you're outside of the acceptable range for friendship for most people. Yes, there will be some people, but far, far fewer, and consequently harder to find. If your constrained interests are not a 'popular' one with people that are on the spectrum? Well, good luck then; you may never find someone that you can share a deep connection with.
So, yes, if I had been given a choice to have been born neurotypical, I absolutely would have taken that.