ADHD

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How to plan something with someone who doesn't have ADHD? (self.adhd)

submitted 1 year ago by Relic5646 to c/adhd

14 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I have ADHD and my partner does not. When we were planning our wedding it was really difficult because she would do most of the planning (because I wasn't doing it and someone had to and she loves planning), but when we needed to plan anything together it was like pulling teeth for me. I wanted to help out but it was always so difficult to get myself to actually do anything.

The same thing happens with vacation planning. Even planning a trip to somewhere I want to go can feel about as fun as doing taxes. We're currently trying to plan a trip overseas that's just in a few months, and my partner really wants to book hotels (I totally agree) but any amount of planning feels like I'm being punished, and I don't know why. I don't have any fun and my mood tanks and I just get quiet and a little irritable.

Anyone else experience this and have any suggestions? I hate leaving all of the planning to my partner, but planning on my schedule has lead to us missing things in the past.

Random thoughts, feel free to ignore: I wonder if it's partly because it's not urgent (as in what we could plan today could just as easily be planned tomorrow) vs importance thing? If we planned on "my schedule" we'd be doing things way too close to the actual date. If we set a date to vacation plan, when it comes I just treat it like a todo list item I just need to finish up so I can get back to whatever I want to do instead.

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[–] [email protected] 30 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

My best friend has very severe ADHD, and his partner does not have it.

How they do planning is his non-ADHD partner (who happens to have a very good planning brain) will basically defines a series of questions that only ever address a very small portion of the task at once. So instead of phrasing open ended questions like "What time do you want to go meet Ryan?", they'll ask things like "Do you want to meet Ryan at 1pm or 2pm?". It a very small change but it helps him break down the decision paralysis that ADHD creates.
It doesn't necessarily address the feeling of letting the other person do all of the planning though- to some degree, that's going to have to be something your partner is comfortable with, unless you yourself can find ways to break down your own decision making into those tiny bite-size chunks.

[–] MrClayman 8 points 1 year ago

My girlfriend has ADHD as well and planning times for things is extremely difficult. I’ll try out what you said, thanks!

[–] seaQueue 7 points 1 year ago

This is really, really good advice.